Just a little self-pity...

I feel almost ridiculous writing this since I've felt the best I have in probably 7 or 8 months. My LS pain is barely registrable, and my vestibule pain is far better than expected during this time of the month. And yet I am so frozen with fear and anxiety, my vulva is all I can think about. Constantly worrying about when the next flare up is going to come. Worrying that the diet changes that I think have made a huge difference are nothing more than a coincidence. Is my relief all just a pleasant side effect of the steroid cream? One would think that I would just be happy to have the relief, and although I'm grateful, I'm terrified that these conditions are out of my control. They are going to be the one thing I haven't been able to "cure" with food or lifestyle changes. They will truly be lifelong and only manageable.

I have found relief from mental health struggles by indulging in as many whole foods as I care to eat. I've healed the chronic inflammation that plagued my sinuses for almost a decade by eliminating processed candy. I've given my skin peace from inflamed painful body rashes and hand blisters by avoiding chemical-laden new clothing. But this...this is escaping my grasp of understanding. "Give it more time" I hear you saying. It is true that it took me many years to find the solutions to my other sensitivities, but I just don't know that I have it in me to fight for another decade to figure this one out.

I often wonder what I must have done in a past life to deserve all of the suffering throughout this life. Many people suffer far worse than I do, and I rarely would say they had done anything to deserve it. However, when the constant struggles are in our court, it's hard to not contemplate the spiritual implications.

Who on earth did I wrong, and how the heck do I make amends?

Of course you're anxious, you've been through something physical that will have affected you psychologically. Don't be hard on yourself just because the physical pain is feeling better. Your mind will still be in pain for the months of what it has endured. I know it must be incredibly difficult to focus on the positives, but there are positives. At the moment, your pain is low. None of us deserve this, you don't deserve this. There is no point looking to punish yourself with those thoughts. On good days pain wise, I tortuee myself mentally with anxiety over another potential flare. It will take time to mend the psychological damage. Be kind to yourself x

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have managed to hold back tears for quite a few days, but for some reason your message brought me to tears (a sigh of relief kind of tears). Sometimes all we need to hear is that this isn't our fault, and it is okay to feel these feelings. Just knowing I'm not the only one with these emotions on low pain days makes me feel a little less ungrateful.

Thank you again!

You're very welcome. Wishing you many more good days to come. Sometimes we need a bit of a cry to pick ourselves back up again.