Dating and Vulvodynia.....??

Hi all

I had a thought while I was up at 3am last night with a bloody cold!

I do want to beat this pain and perservere with treatments and obviously one of the wishes I have, that we all have is to at some point have a sex life again.

To give you some history, I have always found sex painful and never got on with Tampons. I tried tampons at 13 and a few times after and it was too painful a real no go. I was sexually assulted at 15 and this was my first sexual experience. This was terribly painful both physically and emotionally and just made things worse. The police doctor who had to examine me after said I was still sore and raw even after a few weeks.

I did have relationships and sex after this but it was always painful and I was tight..which made me conclude I had vaginismus. I figured I had prob always had this but the assult and made it worse. I now feel I also had the begingings of vulvar vestivulitis as even the attempt at intercourse would cause bad pain and I would burn for days after.

This of course took its toll on two of my major relationships. I would just lose my sex drive..

I managed quite ok in my last reationship but as we only really saw each other on weekends I had all week to get over the soreness! I then developed full blow vulvodynia with constant pain in the last few months of the last relationship and my boyfriend really couldnt have give a shit...when I was in pain and upset he would just get cross with me..I finally learned that I was in an abusive realtionship and confronted him..he ran off in shock!

So do I really wanna bother again? even if I did get some pain relief I dont believe I will ever be the 2 or 3 times a week sorta girl like ever! Well not intercourse anyway..and I feel its useless to date and then have to say 'sorry mate I cant often have intercourse'

I do want love and companionship and I also want a baby one day prob with turkey baster but im tired of fighting this painful intercourse thing. It just feels easier to just say 'forget it' and not have that pressure but I miss dating

I have thought of the Platontic Partners website but am unsure at present..? Its not just for those who are asexual as there are people on it who medically cannot have intercoure. They have a traffic light system with how far you are prepared to go which is quite good...

I also suffer with anxiety and panic attacks so feel very broken both physically and emotionally and I often feel what man would what to bother anyway!

I can prob have intercourse when Im having a good pain day but it will no doubt set of a flare up..and do I really want that? or do I perservere with finally being able to manage intercourse again on a regular basis even if that is only once a week (with out long flare up)

I dunno!!!!

Well my lovely we all want companionship and we all deserve happiness.

This is a crazy F$%#d up situation to be in. Have you mentioned the sexual assault to your physio? Mine was fairly keen to attribute my issues to traumatic childbirth. All three of mine were fairly uneventful and could also be categorised as easy if you didn't consider the size of the head versus the .... well you know. UGH I was also sexually assaulted at a very young age. My therapist has a stronger word for it but I have trouble saying the adult names for things. Apparently the body remembers trauma. I'm working on the courage to tell my physio.

Platonic dating sounds like a great place to start. You could also get hot and heavy online. Why not?

Working towards reclaiming your sexuality could be a good step. Perhaps we could brainstorm and figure out how that works =) Can you have sex without penetration or does that cause pain as well? I'm talking self love here honey. See I have trouble with the proper words.

I think everyone on here wants to work towards having a sex life. I'm sure we can figure it out =)

I guess we all want some sort of companionship...its only a natural part of our existence as humans. No one wants to feel completely alone in life!

But dealing with this V thing has taught me that I need to focus more on myself...so many times in my life it was always about someone else...either parents...siblings...or whoever. Im trying to reclaim myself! Ladies...we gottta put ourselves first for once! This is a pretty big wake up call...helllo your vulva is screaming.

Men, for the most part, are a selfish breed. Count yourself lucky if you can find a man that can empathise with you on this condition...hell, men arent even happy with women who are ``fully functioning`` (sorry about the phrasology...) Im jaded, can you tell? Hahaha.

...now onto some meditation....ohhmmm<<


take care

Thanks for your replies girls

@Mouse - unfortunatly I have not got a physio yet, wrote to two I got the names off in my local hosp and not recieved anything back..fuking NHS!! Well am gonna write to cheif ex of hosp and see where I get..I have spoke about the assult with my therapist and have worked on it emotionally but I think physically it will always have an effect on me. My body certainly remembers the truma..bloody 15 years on!
I have also deff thought about reclaiming my sexuality..more self love for me methinks! Yes it can sometimes feel a little sore but its ok its the penetration thing I have issues with grrrr
I had more of a think about the whole platonic dating thing and dont feel its for me..well at least not yet. Trouble is I may have V and most often my sex drive is in the background but as soon as I see a hot man well it goes a bit crazy!!
You know there are some men..for instance if Robert Pattinson or Gerard Way (singer in My Chemical Romance and also my avatar) came over well Id down a number of glasses of JD and give it a damn good try!! hehe Hmm now im thinking bad thoughts of getting a hot man to run too on good pain days! No strings...ermm im sure he wouldnt mind!

@Noni - yes I have often found men to be extremley selfish V or no V..so yes Im a bit jadded as well. I have found that I have grown in myself whist being single. I think back to the shit I used to put with, with past boyfriends and I wouldnt put up with any of it now! In fact Ive probably become quite hardened..One nasty word of a bloke and I'd verbally rip his balls off! Hence the interesting hot man plan for practise with..a mute one would be good, no bloody whining blah blah blah...

This subject is something that's crossed my mind lately too but I've kind of resigned myself to the fact I'll never have another relationship because of the V and also my other health problems that restrict me so much. I couldn't go through the same thing my ex did to me again which as most of you know was pretend he was fine and understanding about all my health problems then shag around behind my back until I found out then leave me for one of his conquests. I just don't want to put myself in that position again and don't believe there are many men out there who are understanding about any of my stuff. The platonic thing intrigued me but then I realised I'm badly restricted in other areas too so it's unlikely that would work out for me either. Think it's the spinster of the parish life ahead for me, good job I adore cats.

hey ladies, there are good men out there who care about woman as individuals w/ feelings and dreams. my husband is very understanding and empathetic. yes, we are married, but it is obvious he feels bad for me when my pain is bad. he keeps my spirits up when i am down etc. i know there are many other women out there who have partners that are understanding and supportive. i do think it's important for us to focus on "us" and healing or masking the pain as best as we can. I think it's important that we all have close friends, family and/or companions to help us make it through. Yes, some men are dogs, but not all. hang in there...treat yourselves like queens. I remember back in my dating days when i thought all men were jerks. i finally found one that isn't.

hi sebbyface!!

did u have any luck with that non-sex dating website? I still didnt get a reply to join..maybe they didnt like the sound of me!?!

im def up for chatting up la boys but like u all say....WE are the focus of our attentions now as our Lala's are screaming at us!!!

Im concentrating on friends and family and letting the rest slot into place. I do like the odd snog now and again in the club so im fine with that for now. Its nice to have attention and i crave to be loved. If i die an old spinster doing my cross-stitch with a house full of bunny rabbits, cats and my soaps on the telly I will die happy :)teeheee

Going to foster and adopt one day. I too suffer with anxiety and i cant bring a child into the world i dont think...i would be a jibbering wreck!! Maybe if i meet the right man.

Hope you are having good days ladies. Im putting off ringing breakdown call out...my cars buggered big styley grrrrrrrr

@Jules its nice to hear that there are some good fellas out there. I guess its the rejection part that is scary. I have to believe I have tougher skin than that though. I had a chat with mum today and she said 'well if you dont try how will you know?' I guess 20 years down the line I dont wana say I didnt even try even if I do end up with a house full of cats rather than a husband at least I can say I tried lol like the lottery I guess..you gotta be in it to win it!

@Namomi - I didnt bother with the no sex dating one in the end as I emailed them too and they just ignored me so Fuck them or not! hehe There is another one though called Platonic Parnters..not many with pic's though and I wana know what they bloody look like! not that im shallow or anything (I am!)
But I tell you what I could really do with a snog! lol I might even molest some poor fella at the bus stop soon!

I had a snoop on platonic partners last night Sebby! Not many pictures as you say and not many males either, I noticed there was alot more females than males on there. Obviously it does make me sound shallow too but you don't want to end up meeting a munter do you? It's not an option for me because I can't do alot of other things beside sex so I'd be looking for a partner who enjoys every night in front of the TV in their jim jams and that's not very likely now is it?!

If I wasn't limited by my other stuff I'd be on there in a flash, it all sounds like alot of fun with no pressure for sex, brilliant!

jimjams and the telly every night!?!....well Sarah I think we would make a fine couple!!heheee! thats my life! and cross stitch! and facebook! I did manage 2 nights out this weekend with my friends, wasnt up to dancing but was lovely to feel chatty enough...vodka can be thanked for that! although i did cry a tiny bit but it was ith an ex housemate who i have a annoying brother/sister r'ship with and 9 times out of 10 we always bicker

I know what u mean Sebby...Im quite shallow in that department. There wouldnt be sex involved but youve gota fancy the pants of them or its not worth it! I like to feel at little lust

Well anytime anyone wants a good night out you are welcome to Cheltenham! we have the cheltenham races coming up in march....lots of minted irish men to flirt with heheee! always a good night out and the clubs are like big housepartys as they are in the old victorian 3/4 storey houses.

im avoiding going out in the rain to collect my car from the garage...peeing it down and my housemate has my brolly grrrrr