Don't know what to do.

Hi,
This is my story.
I am 25 years old and never had pain free sex. The first time I tried at the age of 17 I knew something was not right. That relationship ended shortly after because he went to college. I was not in a relationship until I turned 20 and I was totally fine with that because I thought it was easier. I started to date a kid that I had known for years. I was very straight forward with him about my "issues with sex" and he was fine with it because "we are so great together". We get along great, enjoy a lot of the same stuff (camping, fishing, hunting etc...) We have been together 5years now and have tried everything you can think of (positions, numbing cream etc...) It took me a number of Dr.s before I found one that would actually listen to me about my pain. She sent me to a specialist that finally had a clue. Now I just started seeing a pelvic floor therapist who is great. I think that the birth control had a horrible effect on me that I didn't even relize till I got off it. ( was taking for bad periods) Now here is the worst part. I have always had this huge guilt that we don't have sex and feel like such a failure as a women. I should have tried harder over the 5 years but it was fustrating and discouraging and every Dr. just made me feel like I was crazy so I just gave up. We have always had fun doing plenty of other things. I know that my boyfriend would have asked me to marry him if he thought that I could give him a child. (I know that this is a big fear of his and mine) I recently found text messages from him to another girl. He swears nothing happened (it was suppose to happen that weekend) and that he doesn't think that he could have gone threw with it. I believe him I know that he loves me and truly believe that if we just had sex that this wouldn't have happened. Now I don't know how to get passed the hurt and trust him again. I want to so badly, just so sick of feeling like crap. I wanted to go talk to a therapist that is experienced in sexual problems but he wants nothing to do with it. (says he doesn't believe in them) If you love someone wouldn't you do try anything to make it work. Sorry its so long but thats my story

Hey--

First, it really breaks my heart to read about your struggles. Its not easy, this difficult road we are on. But its even harder when youre in a relationship. It complicates things.

I know its challenging getting good medical care. Im on Amitriptyline for the nerve damage. Its doing an OK job I guess, for others its a nightmare to be on.

Theres just so many layers to this disorder. Theres the physical, debilitating pain, but then theres also the emotional strain. Its hard to keep going, when doctors are telling you you're a nut. And on top of that, you gotta satisfy your man so he doesnt go astray. Lots of anxiety and depression, hopelessness.

Its gonna get better. We've all had those dark and isolating moments, when everything turns to shit and we wonder why the hell this is happening to us. Dammit, there are 15 year olds getting knocked up, and here I am wondering if I'll ever be able to conceive properly and carry a child for 9 months.

I could write a novel here. But I wont. I'll spare you my anguish and turmoil.

Just pray or meditate or laugh or read....sometimes when we focus our energies too much on this monster condition, it consumes us. I know I need a vag break. Im gonna take up a new hobby--cause obsessing over this is not going to better my situation.

I hope you have an understanding healthcare provider to atleast medically get you sound. I aslo hope you have a good emotional support system in place. Or maybe you're like me, I dont have one, so I come on here and the fb page and rant and pour out my worries to women who understand.

Girl, you aint alone in this.

You'll be in my thoughts love.

Hi Noni,
thanks for the reply I was very excited to see that somebody had something to say. It is nice to know that I am not the only one with this problem. I just want to have a normal relationship for once. It kills me when I see kids having babys or just how awfull some parents are.
Thanks Again,
So fustrated

I believe him I know that he loves me and truly believe that if we just had sex that this wouldn't have happened. Now I don't know how to get passed the hurt and trust him again. I want to so badly, just so sick of feeling like crap. I wanted to go talk to a therapist that is experienced in sexual problems but he wants nothing to do with it. (says he doesn't believe in them) If you love someone wouldn't you do try anything to make it work.

My fiance and I are getting married in six months. It's been three months since we had one rare, rare, opportunity at pain free sex (everything before and after was painful). But, despite all the excitment of getting married, I sympathise with you. It's really really fustrating dealing with men who are at the height of their sexual curiousity... I'm just never in the mood, and if I do, my anxiety takes over. But he loves me, he's still going to marry me, you just have to have lots of communication and he has to be willing to make it work. There's only so much you can do --- sometimes compromising/coming to a solution isn't about meeting in the middle but meeting at the best solution that is best for the overall health of you.

You should just go to the therapist by yourself. It will help. Maybe, if he sees you changing your attitudes and behaviours he'll jump on board too.

I hate seeing kids having baby --- its worse when you fear that you might never have that opportunity to have that 'accident'. What I hate even more is when you're out with the girls and they start talking about sex, and all the great sex they have, and all the awesomeness, and the fun, and... you just dont have anything to say, because it just sucks.

I understand your feelings when it comes to sex. I dont enjoy being penetrated by a penis. Ive been in a relationship for the past 5 yrs. Im living with him the past 3yrs. He understands my pain and doesnt want to make it worst. Sometimes when Im horney and I ask him to penetrate me he says its not a good idea because I'll hurt. He often asks me to give him a hand job. He's happy with that. I wouldnt be with a man who NEEDS sex from me. I feel if a man NEEDS and still asks for sex from me KNOWING I hurt during sex and HURT A LOT after for DAYS....HE'S A LOOSER and he's selfish. When two people truely love each other they find a way.

Yes I also understand how it feels when your listening to other girls talk about how much they love sex, and how their boyfriends do this and that great. It makes me miserable to listen to it...and I just walk away.