New guy looking for help

rejected.803 wrote:She has claimed that she suggested non-intercourse sex, but I refused to hear/listen/consider that option.

Is this true? At least from her perspective?

If penetrative sex hurts, or triggers pain, as it does with most women who have vulvodynia, I think it would take a pretty insensitive guy to still want it.

However, I can also see how being turned down for that could feel to you like rejection. We all enjoy intimacy with the people we love.

The trick I think is to realise that intimacy comes in many different forms. Is your wife's pain continuous or does it come and go? If it comes and goes, does she have a sex drive when there's no pain? If so, does she feel horny at those times? If she does, would she be up for kissing and cuddling followed by you giving her an intimate massage/hand job or oral sex?

At the moment, she might be reluctant to go with that, because she probably fears you'd expect it to be foreplay leading to vaginal sex. But if you made it clear to her that you didn't want or expect anything in return, there's a good chance you could be in there   .

My wife has acute intermittent vulvodynia and I can tell you I've never gone down on a woman as much as I have since we got together. Except perhaps since our son was born earlier this year, as he seems to think he lives in a different time zone than the rest of us so wakes up around 3am every morning then refuses to settle... grrrr!

"Is your wife's pain continuous or does it come and go?"
 My wife's pain is only during intercourse.  

"If it comes and goes, does she have a sex drive when there's no pain?"
  No, she has no sex drive, desire, or interest at all... At least as far as I know based on her actions.

"If so, does she feel horny at those times?"
  I don't think she has ever felt horny for a nanosecond in her life....after we got married.

"If she does, would she be up for kissing and cuddling followed by you giving her an intimate massage/hand job or oral sex?"
   A year or so ago she had the idea that we should experiment and learn to enjoy sex together as long as there was no intercourse.  I agreed to the experiment. She seemed to enjoy it. I enjoyed it. Sure, I still wanted us to Enjoy (I.e., without pain for her) intercourse.   Within a week she changed her mind to never wanting anything to do with me and sex again.
 Like I wrote earlier, she does allow and seems to enjoy some hugging and light kissing as long as we are not in the bedroom. Her stated view/purpose of going to bed is for sleeping only. She does not want anything to do with me in bed. She has been enjoying me giving her some kisses as I leave for work in the mornings while she is reading her netbook. But she doesn't want anything to do with me at night going to or in bed.

rejected.803 wrote:
   A year or so ago she had the idea that we should experiment and learn to enjoy sex together as long as there was no intercourse.  I agreed to the experiment. She seemed to enjoy it. I enjoyed it. Sure, I still wanted us to Enjoy (I.e., without pain for her) intercourse.   Within a week she changed her mind to never wanting anything to do with me and sex again.
 Like I wrote earlier, she does allow and seems to enjoy some hugging and light kissing as long as we are not in the bedroom. Her stated view/purpose of going to bed is for sleeping only. She does not want anything to do with me in bed. She has been enjoying me giving her some kisses as I leave for work in the mornings while she is reading her netbook. But she doesn't want anything to do with me at night going to or in bed.

You wrote that your wife was the one who suggested doing things sexually without it leading to intercourse, and you say that you both enjoyed it. However you also say that you still wanted to enjoy (pain-free) intercourse, by which I assume you mean vaginal.

Did you by any chance say this to her, or even give her some reason to think it? If you did, it's possible that's why she went off the penetration-free sex idea. Remember, it hurts her, and you hinting you want it makes her feel bad, and reminds her of that pain. So don't do it!

If she likes closeness but not in the bedroom, I'm sure there are other places you can find to enjoy each other...

If it's only during intercourse she's a good candidate for the vestibulectomy.  If she has questions I would be willing to answer them.  Best decision of my life!