Telling a new man

I was just wondering if any of you ladies have had to tell a new man about this horrible condition? I told a guy yesterday. I really like him and I know he feels the same. I was tempted just to tell him I wasn't interested, as it was easier than telling him the truth. But I did it. I started by telling him I had a pelvic pain muscle problem that was referring pain to somewhere else. I didn't go into too many details. It's a bit much to do that after only a few dates! I told him I was starting physio and said it could take a year at least to see an improvement. Obviously the first thing he said was that it didn't matter to him. But isn't that what anyone would say? I'm just worried that he'll say he's fine with it, because he'll think he's being a bad person if he tells the truth. I really don't want him to stay with me out of sympathy! I don't know how I can possibly tell what he's really thinking about it though! I know he was pretty unhappy in his last relationship, as I work with him, and saw him going through that. I just don't want to drag him into another relationship with baggage! Is it kinder just to let him go? I'd love to hear if anyone else has been going through anything similar? I do think it's different when you are already in a longterm relationship when this happens.

Hi Rose, well done on being brave enough to tell him. I think you just have to wait and see what happens now, the ball is in his court and he may well be ok about it or might not but it's something he now has to tell you over time. Try not to worry and don't feel you have to do anything else now except wait and see how it all pans out. Just focus on enjoying your new relationship and see where it takes you, if he decides it's a problem for him then it's no different to anyone deciding they can't deal with something in a relationship so don't worry about it. If he decides to end it later on at least you were honest from the start and gave him the chance to call it off, if he's had a bad relationship recently he may well be happy to take things slowly anyway. Good luck and I hope it goes well for you.

Thanks Sarah, yeah I was terrified about telling him. I really didn't want to! I know I can't do anything else now, it is down to him to decide if it's something he thinks he can handle. I've told him to take some time and seriously think about it. So we'll see what happens. It's difficult to not worry about it though. I guess if he says he can't handle it then he's not the man for me. I'll try and keep telling myself that anyway!

I think you've really brave, I'm not sure I'd be that brave! Well done you and you're totally right, if he can't handle it then he isn't the man for you. Keep us posted, we're here no matter which way it goes.

Thanks Sarah! Well there isn't an update as such, but he took me for dinner last night. He didn't say anything about what we talked about. But it seemed the same as it was before, we had a lovely evening. So either he's just seeing how it goes, or he's still thinking about it. I'll give it a few weeks and then I think i'll bring it up again and ask him what he's been thinking about it. I am so glad that I told him though, even though it was incredibly hard and it upset me for a few days because I was worrying! At least he knows now, so I don't feel like i'm leading him on anymore.

This is something I worry about constantly. Britain isn't the classiest place in the world, and relationships advance to a sexual stage so quickly nowadays, so I am so afraid of having to talk about this when I meet someone. Well done for being so brave and level-headed about it. I'd say that the recent date is a very good sign.

Thanks! Yeah I worried about it quite a lot too. But you do have to remember that there are men out there for who sex isn't the most important thing. I was quite lucky in that he was only recently out of a relationship when we met, so he said himself he didn't want to rush into anything - before he knew about my issues. I think the key is not to just flood them with too much information at once. As I said, I started by telling him it was a pelvic floor problem. I didn't go into too much detail, other than I made it clear that I couldn't have sex for a while (I said probably a year), because it would hurt me. I don't think we should have to say that we might have this forever, because to be fair, none of know this. As long as you make it clear there isn't a quick fix and there will be ups and downs. I told him I didn't need him to support me, I could do it on my own. I just needed him to know I wasn't thinking of him as someone to look after me!

I know what you mean about worrying about telling a potential man. But I have to say the thought of it was worse when I was thinking about a hypothetical man. Once it was a real man, someone who I knew had real feelings for me, I wasn't quite as certain that it would put him off. If that makes any sense!

I don't know what's going to happen with this, but I'll let you all know. Thanks for the support!

I'm currently worrying about the same thing - just started getting really serious with a guy that I have been seeing on and off for a year but never got totally serious about, now we are getting really close and it feels very right - we have had sex several times, but now my symptoms seem to be coming back quite badly and so I feel I need to tell him so that I don't feel pressured etc to have sex - he knows that I have 'chronic pain' but I couldn't bring myself to explain any more than that, it just sounds so weird to say! And you have to explain a lot quickly to try and make sure that they don't think it's some kind of infection or something that they could get. Sigh.
(By the way, if anyone could, reply to my thread in this forum? Would be really helpful, thankyou)