Easier sex?

Your experience matches mine, though I was not diagnosed for much longer, after I became more communicative to guys I was with and several said that this WAS very unusual; so I went back to the doctors and said there WAS something and I would not be denied or fobbed off, and got referred to a proper gynaecologist and got my diagnosis. It's Vulvar Vestibulitis VVA and sounds like yours.

I had a long-term partner and sex with him was much more manageable as we could fully communicate. Most of this is probably evident to you and your BF but here you go:

1. Know exactly where your weak spots are.
2. Warm up for ages before attempting penetration - build in routines that are outercourse ie frottage (very good and guy likes it), hand, oral if you like, self stimulation for both if you like.
3. Pschology of guy - they get anxty if they don't know if sex is on the menu or not so tell them asap before or during - I think we can/can't have sex tonight. Once they know they relax much more (either way).
4. Make sure you know the guy's favourite second choice if intercourse is not going to be good.
5. Intercourse is very variable - at some times of the month it is more manageable.
6. If intercourse is very slow or almost stationary then it is much better. Not exactly what a guy expects but there are ways of getting him off (eg squeeze, talk dirty etc) without the movement.
7. Sit on him so you are in control.
8. Boost visual stimuli as you are not keen on highly physical sex.
9. Become a star at BJs - try extras like champagne, ice (put in your mouth first for minute or two then remove) to divert from the fact you are not a star at sex.
10. Can't think of number 10 right now but I'm sure you will..................

Have fun
Put in lidocaine afterwards and lie back and relax the area and the pain will subside much quicker.
Remember that although you hurt or even bleed a little bit during sex (I sometimes got a little blood if sex was too fast) but it is not as if you are going to do yourself any real damage it will heal up again very quickly - so try not to be scared.
I don't know about yours, but my VVA was inflamed entrance to Bartholins glands so it was possible to 'bipass' the pain if sex was very slow, but any pulling would open up the gland entrance and then I would get the burning pain. If I gritted my teeth and took the pain then the pulling (even if very lubricated) would sometimes nick the inflamation so there would be spots of blood or swelling up. (I never identified what was happening till after my diagnosis as I really had no idea where the pain was coming from).
xx

Thanks, thats really helped alot. Taking things slowly has made it alot easier and although it still hurts a little its much better since i'm more relaxed than before.
I was wondering aswell if it can get worse? like if you don't try and do anything about it. Because I haven't tried anything since sex is still bearable and its only during penetration that it hurts, but i'm worried that maybe I should....has it gotten worse for you over time? x

I would suggest not taking a birth control pill. I know it sucks and makes things a bit more frustrating, but the pill can stop natural hormone production in some women and can make vulvodynia worse. I'd suggest The V Book by Elizabeth Stewart or When Sex Hurts by Irwin and Andrew Goldstein. It can really explain why the pill isn't good for women with this condition. I don't know if it has anything to do with your pain or not but I know it was a huge factor in mine and I was told to stop taking it immediately.

hello girls,
I was wondering if any of you has tried the lubricant "Yes" and what are your thoughts on it.
Apologies if I'm repeating a topic....

Next month i'm going to see a Gynec in Barcelona, she has writen a few papers on Vulvodynia, I hope she can give more advice than what i received from irish doctors (use cotton nickers and don't use soaps down there.... really?!?!?!?! i didnt know that yet, so helpfull!! and what about sex????)

I'm really frustrated right now, and so is my partner, i dont blame him. Its not only the sex that is bad, is also that i have become this angry lonely woman, i always enjoyed sex, now i dont wnat to even be touched. There's sex on tv, i change the channel. I hate trying new things, i always say no to everything that he proposes... I know it's my head but i dont know how to control it, how to change this mindset. I was reading your post LizLemmony and i was thinking, yeah that sounds good, i could do that! but i know that once i'm there in bed, i'll start getting angry and will stop.....

Hi Layla Hi Joanna

Layla - mine never got worse (got better after I had babies as well).

Joanna - mine is vestibulitis which is not as bad as vulvodynia. So bearing that in mind - at first I didn't get 'angry' because I did not know what was the matter with me and thought it was me or something in my mind - which is what doctors were saying or implying as they could not find anything wrong. So... I had nothing to be angry with. Once I had the diagnosis I did get much, much angrier so I get this.

Also I was lucky to have a very inexperienced partner so he went along with the whole thing and did not feel cheated. When I saw other men they were very put out and although some were cool with the way I needed sex to be I also knew they were thinking this was something they would not have been OK with in a long term relationship. So, again, this is not surprising.

Also I have never had pain-free sex (except as I have described) so have not 'missed' it though often I think about it.

So...... taking it all into consideration..... no wonder you and he are fed up. I think the best way back in is to wait for an occasion where you both want to have sex and agree not to have penetrative sex but explore the other possibilities with an open mind. There are some quite surprising things that guys do seem to like a lot which do not involve penetration. As a result you get turned on by this. It's really not bad.

But also I remember times when we did try having sex and ended up both pissed off as a lot of complex things happen (you don't say that it is hurting; he is trying to find out; he's too busy worrying to enjoy the sex; you are therefore basically faking it; it just gets going then you say you have to stop etc etc). We also had an agreement that we would start sex at the 'last poss minute' so that it was very quick and there was not enough time for me to resent what was happening but I could think about him enjoying it (I could keep this up for a few minutes but then it begins to get alienating).

Good luck in Barcelona!
Liz