Dating new people

Hi girls,

I was just wondering how do you deal with vulvodynia when it comes to dating new people? Would you be honest and tell them about it on a first date? Or wait and tell them a few weeks/months when it comes to first having sex with them? I've been single for 3 and a half years mainly due to not knowing how to deal with explaining it to a new partner

Hi,

I hope you won't mind me replying, as I'm a guy rather than a girl. Came on here for old time's sakes, as I have this forum to thank for a happy marriage and two lovely kids .

I originally came to this site in March 2011 seeking advice about dating a girl with v. This is the thread. . She was in the same position as you when I asked her out and she decided to tell me about her condition, even before we went on our first date.

Thankfully with the advice and support of people here I wasn't put off, in fact it made me realise how strong she'd been and made me want to go out of my way to be kind and understanding towards her.

From what I've learned from her and this forum there are many types of v, some constant, some intermittent and triggered by particular things, some that can be cured eventually and some that can't. It seems to me that unless it's cured, in almost all cases penetrative sex is painful so you should probably check if your potential date is someone who values that above everything else. If he is, you're better off without him.

In our case, unless my wife is already in pain we can do what some kind people on the forum called 'outercourse' (giving her oral, hand jobs etc) and thankfully she enjoys these things a lot and so do I. Could I live in a relationship with a woman I love without being able to share this kind of pleasure? I think I'd find it hard.

I know there are some women with v that can't be touched down there at all. Again, if that's the situation with you I think you should tell potential dates at the start. Some may be put off, others not. I know online there's a big movement now of asexual people who don't want any sexual contact. If you can't have any genital contact you could perhaps seek out a guy who's like that.

So really what I think I'm saying from a male perspective is that it's best to tell someone at the very start, ideally before you begin dating so you haven't yet fallen for each other or set up any expectations. And ideally you could look for matches online with people who would not find your condition a problem. Good luck, whatever you decide!

lils.panda - I don't have the dating issue to deal with as I was already married when my problems started, but, for what it's worth, my thoughts are that it's probably a good idea to broach the issue fairly soon, however awkward that may be. Perhaps not on the first date - after all, you don't know until the first date is over if there will be a second date and that's true for any couple regardless of any health issues - but if you really hit it off then it may be an idea to mention that you have pain issues in that area, even if in vague terms to start with.

Mark - your story is very inspiring to read. Thanks for posting it.

Hi Mark - thank you so much for your reply. I've read through your thread and wow! Its so nice to know that there are guys out there like you who are willing to try and understand this horrid condition. Your now wife is so brave to have been so honest with you about her V from the start! I think it is a good idea to be honest from the start like she was - I'll have to try and feel more confident about my V and to do this if I meet someone. I'm not asexual - I really want to be able to have full on sex or do other things but as you know the V can make it hard. I've been single for a long time so I want to try things again with someone to see how they are now. I'm thinking about online dating as I never seem to meet anyone in person so do you think it'd be best to tell someone before meeting up with them about the V? Was your wife very upfront about it when she first told you? I have no idea how I would even tell a guy about it! I really hope I meet someone as lovely as you Mark! Congrats on getting married and having children too!

Thanks PainBlogger for your thoughts too

Hi Panda, Thank you for posting this. I have told partners early into the relationship. Waited to see if I felt that they'd be compassionate and if we were a match. I've only told two boyfriends since I've had vulvodynia. Both were understanding. The one I broke up with because of unrelated reasons. The other- we were together for four years.

I am dealing with the dating situation again. And I feel like you again, Panda. Afraid to bring it up. I am seeing someone now, but I told him I wanted to start out as a friends, so that's where we are. I haven't decided if I want to tell him or not. I will wait and see how things progress. If it doesn't look like it's going anywhere, I am not going to say anything.

Obviously, if it does, I will tell him.

I hope more people reply. And thank you Mark for your reply.

I am in a similar dilemma, Panda.

I have been in 3 relationships since dealing with my issues and I have to say telling your partner is definitely nerve wrecking. My V problems developed a year into my first relationship so we went through it together and he was totally supportive. That relationship lasted about 4 years but it was my first boyfriend/high school situation and we grew apart. Second relationship I told my boyfriend early on in the relationship and once again super understanding. My current relationship is with a man who I have loved since we met. We were best friends all through high school and after and have the most amazing relationship. We have been together for about a year and I actually only told him a month ago (pretty much because I had been symptom free for the entire year!) Now since I have been flaring up I have been open with him and he is absolutely amazing. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND! If you are with or meet someone who makes you feel bad about your condition, then move on! This is not easy but it is also something that is not in our control. I battled for so long feeling bad for my partner because i felt unworthy due to this condition. We are not unworthy. If someone truly loves you, this is a hurdle that they will be willing to take with you. I have had pain free days that turned to over a year so I know I can get back there. We just all need to be positive, and with a good support system we can get through anything. I hope this helps

please look at my post MUST WATCH. It's about dating with vulvodynia, but the commentators are insensitive. I think it's important that some of us speak out. and flood them with comments.

I logged on to post a question about dating with V and saw this one. Good timing! If I should post it in a new thread just let me know.

If you've dated with V how did you tell your partner? Did it come up in conversation or did you plan a time to talk about it? I'm chatting with some guys though online dating sites because I want to date again but every time I get to the point of meeting someone in person I get really nervous and back out of it. I know I have more to offer than my body and that there will be guys who understand but when I think about meeting someone in person I feel guilty and broken and unworthy. I don't want to put some guy through that or lead them on. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I haven't even told my friends or family about it so its even harder to imaging telling someone I don't know that well. I'm ashamed of it (I know I shouldnt be). It's so depressing.

Unlike some of this women on the forum, I actually have periods of pain free sex and am only in pain when I am in a "flare" My specialists is certain that my burning, stinging, pain etc.. have to do with hypertonic (tight) pelvic floor muscles from an injury when I was younger. So when telling my boyfriends I was very upfront about the situation but I am able to have sex when Im not in pain. Sometimes I am in pain for months however, so they have all been understanding. I fortunately have had periods of I guess when can call it "remission" where I have had a year of great un painful sex. My situation is a bit different because prior to being in a relationship I didn't tell any of the guys I had been casually dating because I knew it wasn't going to get to the point of us having sex AND because I wasn't in pain at the time. If sex was always painful I guess I would have to approach it a different way and be open about it from the get go. Ugh I wish I could be of more help, but there are MANY women living with this condition who are happily married etc. that have gone through the experience of talking to their partners about their situation. It won't be easy, but the guys/girls that are worth it will be understanding.

miss.panda wrote:I'm thinking about online dating as I never seem to meet anyone in person so do you think it'd be best to tell someone before meeting up with them about the V? Was your wife very upfront about it when she first told you? I have no idea how I would even tell a guy about it! I really hope I meet someone as lovely as you Mark! Congrats on getting married and having children too!

Thanks PainBlogger for your thoughts too

Thanks for your kind comments . Actually, I think if you're nervous about telling a guy about v, online dating could be a great option for you, because you could either put it in your profile or mention it to someone via messaging if you like each other. It's maybe easier than face to face.

My wife is one of the most honest people you could ever hope to meet, and brave too. So her approach was to tackle it head on. I'll never forget what happened. I'd recently started a new job, seen her around and thought 'wow!', bumped into her a couple of times and had friendly, flirty chats. After a few weeks I'd plucked up the courage to ask her out (she's way out of my league), which I did one lunchtime.

She said something along the lines of, 'Wow! I'm really flattered! I'd love to go out with you, but there's something I need to tell you about first. There's a bit of a catch to going out with me. When I tell you about it you might decide to take back your lovely offer. Can we meet up for a coffee after work and I'll tell you about it and you can decide if you're still interested?'

I now know she'd been hoping I'd ask her out for a while and dropping the odd hint which I hadn't picked up on. And also planning what she'd say if I took the plunge. So I thought she was kind of happy but also nervous, putting on an air of breeziness, when she said what she did. She has told me since it was an OMG moment, as in OMG that new guy just asked me out, but also OMG, I'm going to have to tell him about my condition.

So after work we went to a coffee place round the corner that's packed at lunchtime but pretty much empty in the evening. She was obviously nervous and was looking into her coffee most of the time while she explained to me about the condition, how it affects her day to day life and how it'd ruined past relationships. I was quite upset, almost teary I'm embarrassed to say. I held her hand , said something like 'You poor love' and then kissed it. She said that wasn't quite the reaction she'd expected, so said 'Does that mean you still want to go out with me'.

I said yes, of course, but I'm ashamed to say I wasn't entirely sure. I knew I had feelings for her, stronger than before, but also wondered what it'd be like to date someone with the condition and wanted to know more about it and whether it would be possible to have a proper relationship. That's what made me come to this site and ask for advice. I also asked her as much as I could think of but it'd come as such a surprise I probably screwed up that bit.

Because we're talking about a male-female relationship and problems with someone's ladybits, it's too easy to think of the condition just in terms of sex. But I know it's a lot more than that, it's things like not being able to book a holiday ahead of time because if she has her pain it would be agony for her to be trapped in a seat on a plane and it affecting her moods, even practical stuff like what she can and can't wear.

What I learned on this site is that no two women's experiences of v are exactly the same. Triggers, symptoms, severity, prevention, cures are all different. So I think if you tell a guy upfront, you should tell him everything as it affects you, and not just the name of the condition. Some guys may run a mile. It's their loss. I have an amazing wife and two perfect children, a lovely home and a better life than I could have dreamt of five years ago, all because some idiots who keep their brains between their legs treated a beautiful woman very selfishly and unsympathetically, wanting vaginal sex despite knowing it'd cause her agony or cruelly dumping her or cheating on her. But there are plenty of others who will love you and want to make you happy all the more because of what you have to go through.

So good luck, and don't be afraid to follow your instincts and be upfront about your condition. It's only a small part of who you are!

Mark thank you for your reply on this forum.

You have given many girls on this site a lot of hope. I appreciate your honesty and you taking the time to tell the whole story.

I have to say that when I googled dating and not being able to have sex, I only found this video. Just THIS.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9EL0G58OP8

Please watch. It has made me very depressed. I am urging women and men to contact the network or better yet, the NVA. www.nva.org The contact person is pmate@nva.org. Please watch the video above (How to date if you can't have sex), and then write to pmate@nva.org... tell her how you feel about this video. The National Vulvodynia Association is our only support group in the US. They need to know how many of us are upset about this vid. They have publicly commented about other programs on vulvodynia and yet they remain silent on this one. Perhaps because they don't know it exists.

Tell them about this video. It must be removed. It's made me nearly suicidal.

If you care about women with this condition, you'll take action.

Please. IT is a demeaning video and the comments below the video are disgusting and misogynistic.

We won't make any progress, if videos like this continue to influence the public discourse. Basically, women are vaginas and if their vagina doesn't work, then they are useless and unfit for a relationship. WE must fight back. It is denigrating.

Sadone, that's a terrible video. Shocking that a woman would have any part of it. And it insults men as well as women. We get most of our sexual pleasure from pleasing our partners, because women's orgasms are more intense, longer and more plentiful than ours. So there's more to a man's sexuality than wanting to stick his penis somewhere. And as for women, pretty much the whole female body is an erogenous zone. When my wife's too bad for oral but not so bad she has no sex drive, she can climax from just an erotic massage, no need to touch her clit at all.

I think if my wife had seen this video when she was single she'd have been very upset, especially after some bad experiences. I'm not American so I don't know if the NVA could complain on my behalf. But I definitely hope that video can be taken down.

EmmieMe wrote:I logged on to post a question about dating with V and saw this one. Good timing! If I should post it in a new thread just let me know.If you've dated with V how did you tell your partner? Did it come up in conversation or did you plan a time to talk about it? I'm chatting with some guys though online dating sites because I want to date again but every time I get to the point of meeting someone in person I get really nervous and back out of it. I know I have more to offer than my body and that there will be guys who understand but when I think about meeting someone in person I feel guilty and broken and unworthy. I don't want to put some guy through that or lead them on. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I haven't even told my friends or family about it so its even harder to imaging telling someone I don't know that well. I'm ashamed of it (I know I shouldnt be). It's  so depressing.

I know how you feel EmmieMe maybe start by telling a close friend or family member? I recently told a few close friends which I was so nervous about but they were all so lovely and understanding which has made me feel a bit better about telling a potential partner in the future. From what Mark has said it seems its good to be honest about it from the start which I will keep in mind with dating. Its a good first step that you're talking to guys online - I'm too scared to even do that at the moment! Having V makes me feel pretty low about myself but I do have other various problems which make me have a low self esteem anyway. I really hope I can meet someone nice one day

Thanks for your posts again Mark - they are so useful to read and they give me hope of being able to have a proper relationship one day and that men can understand it and work with it