Sex!

I haven't had it for absolutely ages without having to stop or my boyfriend making sure it's fairly quick if you get my drift.

Last night we tried again and used a bit of lubricant for foreplay, and had to stop almost immediately.

The noticeable bad thing about it was that my boyfriend thought I had been making the pain up.....

He said he thought he had been 'doing shit' or that I wasn't interested in him.

Although it upset me that he thought I was using my pain as an excuse, I realise just how much it affects him too, especially when it comes to sex and his own insecurities about it.

He apologised for implying that I was using my condition as an excuse, and to be really honest I did get quite upset about it (crying in bed is always a mood breaker I find)... but I just don't know what to do about it.

I had my biopsy at beginning of June, phoned the hospital to get my diagnosis as 'vulvodynia' and have been waiting for a letter from the consultant for ages and ages now.. and until I get that sent to my old address and forwarded up to me so I can show my new GP I can't start on amytriptyline, I'm still on damn dermovate cream which I have reduced as instructed by my consultant!

Sorry girls, that's my rant over, but I'm really finding it difficult when it comes to sex as I (usually) enjoy it so much and it's having such a negative affect on my relationship, and I feel really helpless as there is nothing I can do to even change my medication, let alone know if it will work even in the short term!

How do we all cope?
xxxxx

Julia I can't help you about the sex thing, I haven't been able to even contemplate it for nearly 8 months now but I can tell you that you don't need a letter confirming you have vulvodynia to get Amitriptyline! Any GP can prescribe it, and they frequently do, for any kind of pain so I suggest making an appointment quickly. Just explain what's happened and I'm confident you'll get started on at least the minimal dose. Please don't think you can't ask your GP for pain relief without a consultant's letter because you can.

I dont cope really! I kind of plod along and try to make plans, at least something nice once a week so its something to look forward to. relationship whys... if I would have stayed with matt (realised I didnt love him enough and hes a right plonker!) I knew I would have to really try to help him understand it wasnt him doing anything wrong. Do you think you could try the therapy with him? see somebody that does sexual counselling? Its just that if a third party was there and you can talk it through he might have more of an understanding? Ark at me...im not even in a relationship and im giving advice thats most likely a load of pants! sorry!

Its sooo hard to even get a nice sexual thoughts when ur in pain and sex is a major cause of ur problems (mine was anyway with yeast infections etc etc). I feel like im in a bubble now regards all that, like no interest in it and no interest in finding a boyfriend anytime quick....unless of course Brad Pitt decides hes fed up of Ange and wants to start a celibute tantric (sp?!) affair with me, but I kinda doubt it

I know Im probably repeating advice but what about that numbing gel? Ive never tried it as im so raw physically. Whats it called again folks? i forget.

And girl....rant as much as you darn well like! I know this sounds v disrespectful but I find this site to be like a punch-bag!!! you get stuff off ur chest and there are girls out there that know exactly where you are coming from.

EFFING VAGINAS...I'D LIKE TO TRADE MINE IN PLEASSSSSSSE!!!

Lidocaine is what it's called, works for some and not for others and definitely not much pleasure involved for the lady, just numbness.

ok..here comes the sex expert( ha ha). but..a repeat of info. my doctor suggested we use K-Y Intrigue. it is in a small purple box...it is water based and good for lubrication. now of course, that may make things a little easier. it won't take away pain. once you get some meds that reduce the pain a bit, sex may be easier. now remember, sex is not just intercourse. i have generalized Vulvodynia so i didn't want to be touched anywhere. now that i have meds that help, i do have sex regularly w/out pain including the following day or at the moment. sex can also include hands, mouths (yeah..yuk :-) etc. i would agree w/ the sex therapy...it can be stressful for the man who doesn't can't see the pain. my hubby was willing to accept other forms of sex from me..(imagine that!). there are times when i don't want to be touched w/in miles of my la la (that's for Naomi). IT WILL AND CAN GET BETTER. get into a doctor immediately for medication...it's true, you don't have to wait for a letter. you have pain and it needs to be gone. we have to push and advocate for ourselves w/out doctors and health care system.

oh and lidocaine did not help me at all. it burned me. it may be different for you though.

thanks for your advice guys, I'll try lidocaine and KY-intrigue.

The sexual counselling/therapy route I'm sure isn't a go-er unfortunately. I am up for that kind of thing, but even when I suggested trying to do things off the internet that we'd found about helping sex along, he wasn't game. I also suggested giving it some time every day to try things, but he doesn't want to plan it.

We tried again yesterday, but he told me that it didn't look like I was making any effort or enjoying it
- I was, and was hoping it was all going to be ok! But then he told me that 'he wasn't in the mood' anymore. Gutted.

Maybe this is more of a psychological problem as well as my own physical problems?

To be honest trying to have sex when you know it's going to be painful is likely to make things worse, it makes the muscles tense up in anticipation of pain and as we vulvodynia sufferers already have issues with the pelvic floor being tense that's not going to help you, it's going to reinforce the problem. Couldn't the two of you find other ways to have sex? Like oral sex etc that isn't going to make things worse for you. Let's face it knowing it's either going to hurt at the time or afterwards isn't going to make you look like you're enjoying it is it?

I don't mean to be harsh but your partner isn't really helping your state of mind by making such a big issue out of something you clearly can't help! I know sex is part of a relationship but I suspect us ladies would make less of a fuss if it was the man with a problem and we wouldn't expect them to do something that would create more pain. There are other ways to have "sex" without making things worse while you sort out what to do about your vulvodynia.

Sarah and jules you both make really good points about trying to find alternatives.. even if he uses fingers/mouth sometimes it hurts, so I think I'll have a bit of a research for some fun ideas to try as alternatives and see what works there.

I have a feeling that it might be making a bigger impact on our relationship in the way we treat each other when we're out of the bedroom, it's hard to tell if it's vulvodynia or other things too sometimes when you're in a relationship and you're having problems - so confusing!

really appreciate the support

Hey, i forgot. my doctor also prescribed a muscle relaxant to help w/ the tenseness of the inside walls. i'm suppose to take it 30 mins before sex. i haven't tried it yet. but, i thought it was a good idea.

this is my take on the relationship thing: vulvodynia and chronic pain does a number on our psyche and how we feel about ourselves as women. i get real frustrated when i am in horrible pain and my husband is "in the mood." i get mad that i have to deal w/ the pain and can't have sex. i don't want anything to do w/ sex. i get mad that my husband wants sex and i get depressed that i have to deal w/ this. with all that in mind, it makes sense that this disorder would put strain on a relationship. i totally agree w/ Sarah... it probably is not a good time to try intercourse. your partner may be real sensitive to your pain and we as women feel like we have to perform.

i have a bit of a flare up as a result of working out on Sunday. i start feeling resentful and mad etc. i know it will get better. but, just think of all of the emotions that are connected to this.

take care of yourself. drink lots and then try... ha ha. sometimes that works for me. good luck and keep us in the loop.

jules do you know the name of the muscle relaxant you were prescribed?

Flexiril

I think you should definitely get your pelvic floor checked Julia, especially if you've tried to have sex while in alot of pain, that will have caused some tension there and getting rid of it may well be your solution. You can do a bit of massage yourself to help matters, a book called Heal Pelvic Pain by Amy Stein tells you how to do it. I do a bit in the bath most nights and without fail I've always got some tight sore areas in my pelvic floor.

cheers, i'll see if I can pick that book up... i really think i should do too (see smoking and blue jeans)

Here are my experiences:

1. It is very important to accept this as a physical disease which is seldom but not unique.
2. After this acceptance, do not take it with you into the bed. Some techniques will not work
anymore but there are others. For me the feeling is very important that my wife still
requires sex and orgasm. I do not want to have the feeling to meet an “ill” person. Of course present pain makes this impossible, but after the right medication, those bad days are seldom
3. Easy porn-penetration sessions are gone:-( However, I bought my wife a dildo-(a not looking like the original one and much smaller - so it is still clear who is the boss:-)). With this equipment, there is no need for a penetration in those areas where the pain lives. Honestly I do not miss anything.

Thanks Husband, for your insight. My husband and i can still have intercourse. however, there are painful days i want nothing to do with it. i probably push him away and avoid him more than i should. My husband is very supportive. I don't think i have the horrific pain that many of the other women here do internally. Like your wife, my pain is all over the vulva. sometimes a little on the inside. Ladies if you are looking for a good toy, try the Wi-vibe. You can find it online...none of us want a big dildo inside of us..glad you bought your wife a smaller one..ha ha!

Thanks jwajules; I just orderd the wi vibe ;-)

Ha ha! you two will love it. Let me know how it works out. we have a number of friends who also ordered it. You are a very good husband, like mine. my husband would do anything for me and he has been very supportive when i talk about my pain all the time. he was with me when i had my spinal blocks etc. hope you like the Wi-Vibe.

Not all men are bad, my partner has been really helpful recently and bought me some new trousers for the winter that I can wear in place of my jeans. Very thoughtful and he's also having to regularly help me realign my pelvis as the decrease in pelvic floor spasm is having a painfully negative effect on my wobbly joints.