Relationship over

Well, my 13 year relationship has come to an end, mostly because of the lack of sex. Despite my partner getting as much oral sex as he wanted he couldn't deal with no "normal" sex and has found another woman, fallen in love with her apparently (in lust I suspect) and left me. I really thought a 13 year relationship could withstand this kind of thing and I've worked really hard to try and decrease my pelvic floor tension and taken all kinds of drugs with all kinds of side effects but still he obviously didn't understand how difficult this condition is. I've been struggling to come to terms with it after such a long time together and the stress has been really bad for my pelvic floor besides other things. Now I have to try and find somewhere else to live with no income which is proving impossible while watching him being all happy about his new romance and clearly no longer giving a shit about me. He's moved on so quickly and easily and I'm treated as an obstacle now because I can't move out right away. Worse, it was my Mum's house that I am now having to sell and her last wish was for one of her children to live in it so I feel like I've let her memory down too.

Just when you think you're on the right path with this horrible problem life throws even more crap at you.

Hi Sarah, Im soooo sorry to hear this..

Can you not kick him out! sorry to sound so harsh..I take it you couldnt afford to pay for house no your own?

Is the house in both your names?

Do you have any friends or family you can stay with till you can sort yourself out?

Can you claim benefits? or are you already on them?

Sorry for all the questions and being over practical, dont want to think of you with no where to go!!

We are here to support you hun

Keep strong this is not your fault,I do think that a 13 year relationship should be able to withstand this.

Let us know how you are getting on

Sebby
xxx

awwww hun im so sorry to hear this. I havent been on much lately as ive been feeling so shite but i promise I'll log on and be here, will pm you my mobile too.

Its so hard to be practical when life throws you so much crap, how much are we meant to juggle??!

When I was having all the trouble with the gov taking my benefits off me I was in a right old state but I went to the Citizens Advice Bureau and they were so so helpful, they still ring now to see how I am etc. Can you arrange a home visit? at least then they can take some of the more practical things off you like sorting out paperwork, advice etc? they cannot throw you out on the street and honestly the CAB will do everything they can to help.

Its so exhausting keeping a relationship going, they are testing enough even when no health problems are involved!! Us girls seriously deserve bloody medals! I know I cant talk for you but when i split with the ex a few months ago it was the best thing. I was so so upset but I realise I need to concentrate on me, myself and I. I know I was only with him for 2 years and not even living with him but most of the time i was putting on a front, so as not to put him off me. When I finally trusted him enough to show him what it was doing to me he didnt have the substance to even talk about it and mentally support me.

Take this time to to concentrate on yourself 110%. It takes up a whole chunk of energy worrying about someone else and Ive found it mentally easier to be on my own. Maybe in a few months he will realise his mistake and he will see what an amazing woman he has in u. But in the meantime its all about u.

Wish I was there to give you a massive hug hun

like Sebby said - let us know how u get on

xxxxx

Hi there. Sorry to hear your news. Life really can throw yuy a curve ball at times but like naomi said now you can concentrate on you and you only. I am married but there were times when I used to think it would be easier to be single because the guilt I would feel not being able to be intimate with my husband was crippling! I am currently seeing a psychotherapist who has told me to stop feeling guilty and while she hasnt told me to end my marriage, putting the guilt to one side and concentrating on just me has allowed me to start getting to grips with my vulvodynia.
I wish you the best of luck in this next chapter of your life and we are here whenever you need us
Rubina

No I can't kick him out because I can't afford to run the house on my own unfortunately. The house is in both names and because I have my name on a mortgage I can't get housing benefit unless it's sold first so I can't even look for a place until that's done. I don't have anyone I can stay with either, my parents have passed away and my only family is 2 brothers neither of whom have any room at their houses and to be brutally honest my friends have been shit, one is in a new relationship and doesn't want to hear about my problem, another is currently planning her wedding and is too preoccupied to even talk and another is expecting a baby in a couple of months so busy with that. The rest of my friends live too far away to be any help and none of them have any spare room anyway so there's not much they can do.

It is a plus that I no longer have to feel guilty about the sex problem but I just need to sort myself out before I can relax about that. I'm on Incapacity Benefit so about to lose money thanks to the Tories so I'm really stressed and worried about the whole thing. I'll just have to hope the house takes it's time to sell so I'm not rushed into trying to find something else.

Thanks for the replies girls, there's not much anyone can say or do to change it but it's nice to have people who actually listen.

Hi Sarah, I'm so sorry you are having a tough time, you need to get over to the venting page and have a crack at that. Men can be such assholes! I expect he's using "sex" as an excuse for being a twat. It's not usually one thing that is a deal breaker. One of my friends was cheated on while she was on fertility treatment and trying desperately to have a baby. We all thought she had a lucky escape but now she's turned 40, will probably never have children and the wanker has gone on to have two babies with the other woman. GGgrrrrr we couldn't even exact revenge as every idea on the huge list we made was illegal (imagine that) and he wouldn't even settle the matrimonial property without a fight. I'm pretty sure his need to cheat came from just being an A grade asshole.

Would he move out if you asked him too? Could you rent out a room? Sharing your home with someone else probably isn't high on your list but it could give you options in the short term. Don't be in too much of a hurry to sort everything out.

You need some friends to lean on love. Have you tried talking seriously with them? My therapist says I should tell mine how it really is. Do you have a therapist? I found friends online were the ones I turned to when this kicked off for me. Hence I am on here every day now and hardly see my friends hmmmm. So anytime you need a chat

Take care, kia kaha

Hi sarah, how u diddlin??

hope ur ok xxx

like Mouse says- could you not rent out a room? I know its not the nicest situation and you probably wouldnt want to but Ive met some of the loveliest people in house shares/rents. I joined easyroommate.com. Have a look and see what u think. Some people only want the room short term, others just mon-fri. Theres loads of folk on there.

I know what you mean about friends being shite, mine are no better, the longer this crap goes on - the less I hear from them. Its like they forget and put it to the backs of their minds and carry on with their lives. A true friend though would drop whatever they were doing and be there for you (no matter how thoughtless they are, or if they are planning weddings etc). So i'd pick up the phone and lay it out straight to them, and im sure they'll be there for you. And dont ever feel like you are putting them out as im sure if they were in the same position, you'd be there like a shot. So pick up ur phone and dial wedding girl, new relationship girl, preggers girl and get talking!!! (Im not being bossy honest, just concerned).

Always hear to listen hun, take care xxxx

Hi Sarah..you got us girl..and Naomi is right friends should be there no matter what! and Mouse is right too (havent we got clever girls on our forum lol) he is an asshole simples!

It is not usually just one thing that is the cause of the end to a relationship. When I split with my ex it was just the start of the vulvodynia and the sex problems. Even though that didnt help matters we would have split anyway as he was an asshole in every matter! not just that one.

I remember once having a bad reaction to a pain killer and feeling so sick and nearly blacking out. I was laying on the sofa and he was like 'oh I wanted to have a nice weekend and now your sick' well he got a mouthfull!! He did apologise cos I fink he realised he was being an asshole but for me that just sumed up his approach to me in every issue so we soon split up.

In the meantime have you tried cleaning the loo with his toothbrush yet?

Keep strong you have us I will inbox you my number if you ever need to chat

Godbless
Sebby
xx

You girls are just fantastic, it's so nice to have you all to talk to. I've had a bit of a pep talk today from my slightly older but much wiser brother and he's put things into perspective a bit for me. Basically his advice is don't do anything major yet, wait until I'm not so angry and upset so I'm thinking clearly (he knows me so well, I do usually rush into things because I'm annoyed and make mistakes)and he pointed out my ex is trying to wind me up so I comply with his plans and sell the house before I'm ready by blatantly telling me when he goes to see her, texting and instant messaging her right under my nose etc, so don't play into their hands. So I'm not doing anything big yet, I'm calming down and having a think about where I can go and how I can manage this when I'm good and ready and not when they think I should. The new woman has told my ex he has to have everything tied up within six months so my brother advised "take your sweet time and fuck her deadline"!! That cheered me up a bit. So for now I'm concentrating on what I want and refuse to be pushed into something before I'm ready. It isn't a long term plan but it will see me through the next few months by which time I'll be thinking clearly.

Thanks girls for all your support and when I get myself sorted out somewhere you're welcome to visit! Thanks again ladies. xx

Hi Sarah,

You had me in tears when I read your message. I hope you're feeling a little better today. I can't say much more than what the gals have... I think renting out a room would be a great option to earn some income whilst you're still trying to figure things out.

And yes sometimes friends do seem too busy with their own lives to care about ours... but if you don't tell them you're in trouble, how are they suppose to know?

Let us know what's going on in that mind of yours and I'm sure together we can figure out a plan that'll put you a stable position.

*muah muah* and hugz all round

Sue

The awful thing about my friends is that they know what's happened and each of the three mentioned earlier briefly said he was a t**t etc and then just left me to it with no further input or anything so they do know what's going on but choose not to be bothered by it. I'm quite surprised how distant they are all being but I've seen another of my friends today who went through this exact situation (minus all the health problems) a couple of years ago and she said her friends behaved the same way if they were in relationships, almost as though the problem was catching and she'd been surprised by it too. She gave me some good practical advice which I'm going to look into as soon as possible and also said her solicitor had advised her at the time to take as much time as she could when she was in the same situation so my "dragging my heels" plan is a good one to start with. Beyond that I haven't got a clue what I'll do or where I'll go so I'm really feeling like a rabbit in the headlights at the moment.

Gosh, I really wouldn't have expected that either. I'm glad you've at least found one person who can relate to your situation.

OK... well apart from taking your time, I guess next step is to make sure you can stay afloat financially for the next month? I'm not sure what the laws are like over there so I'll just ask... Do you have to sell the house or are you allowed to keep it? Keep chatting to your friend to see what options you have.

Stay strong... I know it's going to be a tough couple of months and don't cave in to any bullying from your ex!!! (if it goes that way). Probably good to keep records of any "negative" interactions you have with him too... just in case... it may come in handy later on


Take care of yourself...

Cheers,

Sue

Hey Sarah, hope you are managing to keep strong..we are here if you need us.

I so love that 'fuck her deadline' advice so if possible you can make that home wreaking bitch wait!! sorry for sounding so agressive but she needs her eyes stratched out!!

Yeah if poss...dont let him get to you with him flaunting it in your face, he is prob trying to do it to get you to hurry with the house selling thing cos she is pressuring him.

As for the friends in relationships sod them they aint mates...grrrrr stick with the good mate you got cos shes a real mate.

I heard on the radio a while ago one of the presenters telling the story of when he was trying to sell his and his wifes house cos they were gonna get divorced. (He had been unfaithful) When he brought round a couple of intrested buyers she opened the bedroom window and started chucking his clothes out the window into the near by tree! The buyers were shocked and as they were forigen he told them it was an English custom to throw your clothes into a tree on a tuesday!! haha they didnt beleive him lol

So thats always an option if your not ready to sell yet..or just breifly mention that the previous owner was murdered there and you still see his ghost walking the hall at midnight! Gosh I am a horrible ex!! but he deserves it!!

Godbless hun and keep strong you will get through this.

This too shall pass

xxxx

How you doing Sarah?

xxx

Hi Sebby, I'm trying not to think about it too much and when I do I'm trying to think positively about how many delays and obstructions I can cause in order to avoid being homeless! I have had some good news today though, see my update on women's health physio post, it's cheered me up alot. I think I can avoid putting the house on the market for at least 6 months so I'm going to use them to try and think of a way to bring in some cash for my future, not easy with all my health issues but I'm trying! Thanks for asking sweetie. x

Great news about your pain reduction!! fantastic!!

Sorry have just replied have been sick with tonsilitus and cold etc ugh! Was so ill, couldnt hardly do anything and then stayed round mates place cos I was in such a state I needed looking after!

Yes keep thinking as positive as you can, glad you have some time to sort things out..Do you get DLA hun?

Also if you need a rant about things, rant to us all if you like!!

Godbless
xxx

Hope you're feeling better Sebby, I've now come down with the cold/sore throat and hacking cough that's going around so I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself right now! Wouldn't you know it the probe and sitting in the car set me off again so I've been trying to get my pain back to where it was before.

I'm not on DLA no as I can walk further than the silly amount they give (about 20 metres or so?) even though I have problems such as if I peel potatoes my hands then don't work to chop them etc but I applied and got turned down. I get a poxy amount of benefits each week which I can't live on, I even saw a solicitor last week to see if she had any ideas to help me and she said basically he'll walk away with a new partner, good health, 2 full time wages between them and a chunk of cash from the house whereas I'll probably struggle to get by for the rest of my life so that was very depressing even though I knew it was true. There's no way this can be turned to my advantage and she even told e he can force me to sell the house as I don't have children so he's got all the cards and I'm destined for a life of poverty.

aww Sarah sod that!! be easier to kneecap him!!

Right I still think you should try to re apply for DLA. Even if you only get a low mobility you may get a decent care part. Keep applying and keep appealing! At the end of the day you DO have a disability and you are entitled to it!

Does your dr and consultants give you good back up?

I often find the forms are quite confusing and difficult and so it helps to know how to effectivily fill them out.

There has to be some disabilitiy groups which can give you some advice on DLA applicatons?

Dont give up hun

Sebby
xxxx

I've already applied for it a couple of times and been turned down, worryingly I seem to have caught the DWP eye recently and have to go to a work focused interview next week which can only mean they are ready to swap me over to ESA instead of IB so I'm about to lose even more money. I hate the f*****g Tories! I don't know what kind of job they expect me to do when I'm only remotely comfortable laying down! It never rains but it pours.

What twats!!

You have various medical conditions! They should be looking at those who swing the led not the genuine sick people!!

Stress to them all the things you cannot do due to your medical conditons!!

I have included some links I have found that maybe of some use..you may know of them already but I did a sweaping google search lol

http://www.turn2us.org.uk/default.aspx

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/your_money/benefits/benefits_for_people_who_are_sick_or_disabled.htm

http://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/

http://www.fmauk.org/information-packs-mainmenu-58/benefits-articles/335-incapacity-benefit-applications

http://www.focusondisability.org.uk/index.html

Take Care and let us know how you get on

Sebby
xxx

hi sarah,

i had a work focused interview a few weeks ago and got so upset with it all (more frustrated than anything) that i spent half of it crying...the poor bloke didnt know what to do with himself, handed me a load of tissues and said he'd be in touch in the new year. Moral of the story...turn water works on and they a) dont want to upset u more b)dont push u into anything.

that was my experience anyway.

Makes me so fucking angry. I know they are trying to get fakers into work but its so stressful for the actual folk that are actually sick

right, bed for me...looking forward(!?!) to my long awaited consultant appointment tomo afternoon, of which they will do sweet fuck all and tell me no more than i already know. I dont know why im getting so worked up really! grrrrrrr. Im going to go down the "im not angry...just very disappointed" route about him not replying any calls or letters regarding my so called "care plan/treatment" DICK! Deep breathes deep breathes!

Excuse my french sorry peps xxx

Thanks for those links Sebby, I'm working my way through them. I'm no good at turning on the waterworks naomi! I've never been much of a crier and certainly not in public, I doubt I could bring myself to do it! The last time I had one of these was a couple of years ago and at the time I still thought my rickety joints might recover so really badly wanted to train in Sports Injury and that's pretty much what we discussed but since then I've been told I won't get better and have had it pointed out to me that dealing with other people's injuries would injure my joints further so I'm fresh out of ideas. I would love to have an income, it's the biggest problem for me since my relationship split and to have some money coming in would be brilliant but what job can you do when you can't sit or stand for any length of time, can't bend or lift and have to lay down several times a day just to prevent joints popping out of place too far. I've come to the conclusion I'll have to work from home but I don't know what to do from home if you see what I mean. I need a home business that I can fit around my pain, exercises, rest and do from positions such as laying. Ideas on a postcard!

Had my work focused interview today and the lady was really nice, she had a look to see if I can apply for any other benefits (I can't) and gave me some leaflets about if I wanted to try a few hours work a week where to get advice about the wages etc and generally it went ok. I'm sure I'll be on the list to change benefits now I've been in but I'm now using the attitude of dealing with each problem as it crops up rather than worry about it endlessly before it even happens. It was a bit of struggle though, because I can't maintain any position comfortably for any length of time except laying down I had to keep fidgeting and standing up etc and really felt self-conscious, there's no privacy at jobcentres these days is there?

Am so glad the lady you saw was sympathetic and obviously realised you couldnt do a full time job with the conditions you are dealing with at the moment.

I think it is possible to do under 16hours and keep the earnings..Im not entirely sure so check it out..thats if you could find something you could do comfortably?

Again keep aplying for DLA pester and pester..you are entitled

Goodluck with everything

xxx