spouse of vulvodynia

My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married nearly 7. During all of this time she has had vestibulodynia (until recently). It started on Valentine's Day a few months after we started dating. We were making out and I decided to reach downstairs to see what would happen, when she turned to stone and eventually said "ok, i'm done. can you remove your hand please?" I should have known not to continue with the relationship then. However... we now have two kids and I quite love her. So who knows, would it have been better to end the relationship before it got serious and avoid all the hardship for both of us?

In the early days of our sex life, she actually did make an effort to keep a sex life going. Having sex multiple times a week despite the pain. We both always assumed she was simply nervous or not horny enough. Eventually we got married and it became clear it was a problem, not just for our sex life but for her daily comfort levels. She sought the help of many doctors, who obviously had no idea what they were doing, and eventually landed one who actually knew about the condition. He started with interferon injections, which helped the daily pain a lot. No more flare-ups. Sex was still painful, unless we used lidocaine. Using lidocaine, we were able to conceive our first child.

The doctor had always recommended surgery to correct the vulvodynia, but my wife was always... hesitant... meaning she would have a vestibulectomy when hell froze. I pushed and pushed for her to seek treatments, or to actually follow the doctor's treatment plans for using the dilators to widen the vulva (turns out it doesn't help), or having non-penetrative sex. Most importantly I pushed her to do the surgery. Finally 2 years after the birth of our first child, she had the surgery done. The recovery process was awful and she ended up with a cyst because a stitch popped out before it could fully heal.

Sex was much less painful after the surgery, but still painful because of the cyst. We were also trying to get pregnant again. She was reluctant to have the cyst removed because "like hell he's going to cut me open again". We continued having sex and eventually got pregnant. We had sex once during the pregnancy, and two times since she delivered in January.

What's so hard now is that she has NO interest whatsoever in sex or intamcy, and YET the vulvodynia is gone. The 3 times we've have sex in the past year were the first times she's had pain free sex. Actually what's really difficult for me is realizing under what circumstances she has sex now: either when we were trying to conceive, or before a doctors appointment so she could tell the doctor about any progress.

I don't know what to do any longer. She hates making out, treats any kind of sexual interaction as a chore, or just says there's not enough time... even though she can find plenty of time for facebook, etc. Obviously she's avoiding it because of her past experiences, but she can't even admit that she's avoiding intimacy. She continues to refuse treatment. I decided to go a therapist last year and it took so much convincing to get her to go... and she only went twice and said "everything's fine" during the sessions. Discussing sex with her is like arabs and jews discussing religion, it always ends in an argument.

I'm stumped as to what to do, and I'm miserable. I find my wife so attractive and want to spend time with her and be intimate, and I can't. I want to do the one thing with her I can't do with anyone else: be intimate. She just doesn't get it. The condition is gone and she finds excuse after excuse not to have sex. I'm not even picky any more. I happily beg for a handjob from her once every two weeks, and even then I do most of the work as she falls asleep. I'm so miserable and have clue what to do.

Hey there,

Wow you've both been through a lot!

I think you will find most couples with two small children would struggle to have sex regularly. You have the added complication of years of painful sex and invasive surgery on your wifes most private parts. Your wifes sexuality is probably on a remote island somewhere.

Needing to be intimate with your partner is a huge part of a relationship. Try not to make it the focus. It's great that you have had therapy, do you still go? What does your therapist say?

I would think building a strong relationship outside the bedroom would be really helpful. Most of us who have lived with this chronic pain feel any contact be it kissing or a cuddle is an indicator that our partner wants sex. Why don't you try dating your wife. Getting some face time across a table at a restaurant, it's much nicer to see someones face rather than sitting next to each other on the sofa watching the tv. Open some communication. Maybe make a pact that you won't pressure her for sex for a certain timeframe, find out what her boundaries are, focus on being intimate and building some trust around intimacy.

You're obviously committed to the relationship. Try having a really honest chat maybe write it down if you have trouble getting it all out without the defenses going up.

Living with constant pain is debilitating, you say your wife is healed physically now it's probably time to work on the emotions. You can help a lot! Give her time to enjoy herself. Maybe time with her friends, some girl things anything that makes her feel good about herself. Compliment her on her parenting, how she looks etc. Think of all the things that attracted you to her initially.

You say things like "actually made an effort" and "The condition is gone and she finds excuse after excuse not to have sex". The condition hasn't gone for her. It's all very clearly documented in her head. The body remembers pain and what causes it. The constant frustration all of us suffer in this group is that we've had a long journey, we've been ridiculed by medical professionals who say it's all in our heads. We've had a long road to diagnosis and an even longer road to finding solutions ....and the solutions have often caused more pain. We've let our families down because constant pain has ruled our lives. Believe me if she is actually making an effort it will feel like making an effort! You don't want to have sex under those circumstances. You want a wife who is fully engaged and enjoying herself as well.

There are a lot of resources and really good books written about regaining sexuality. I've posted a link to a really good website where you can ask questions and get some great advice. It covers everything so don't be frightened off.

http://www.a-womans-touch.com/sex_counselor.php

Good luck.
Vicki

You have to understand the complete emotional devestation of feeling intense pain where others feel pleasure, and being expected to endure it constantly because it's apparently either all in your head (doctors can't find a physical problem) or your own fault (you're not relaxed, you're not lubricated, you're not turned on enough).

I don't mean to criticise you, as it's clear you care for her a lot, but you say that during the early stages of your relationship you had sex frequently despite her pain. I'm sorry to say it but this was probably very damaging behaviour. Even if neither of you knew she had a legitimate physical condition, to have sex with her whilst she was in pain probably led your wife to think that you don't care about whether it's comfortable for her or not, and that sex is more important to you than her feelings. I am absolutely not saying that this is true, I'm sure you care about her feelings a great deal, or you wouldn't be here, I'm just trying to explain to you how the mind of a vulvodynia sufferer works. We live in a society where we are bombarded by sex every day -- in movies, in tv shows, it's even implied in commercials and ads. Sex is the norm. And we are led to believe that men think about sex all the time, and that this is all that they want. Although we know this is not logically true, when you suffer so much pain in your most sensitive part, it can lead to all sorts of irrational and unpelasant thoughts about men.

Try to understand that for your wife, sex=pain, and after years of being with you she thinks that physical contant will always lead to sex. You should work on building your physical relationship from the very foundations, with just cuddling. Your begging for handjobs is not helping things either. If you want her to trust you with her body again, you have to make it clear to her that you are not seeking your own sexual release, and that your only goal is to make her feel comfortable and loved. Make sure she knows that cuddling/kissing is where it ends right now, and that it won't lead to anything sexual. She is only avoiding this simple imtimacy because she believes you want the night to end with sex, which is something she can't yet handle.

And when you move on past cuddling/kissing, every step of the way, make sure she knows that your only concern is what SHE feels. It may not sound fun for you, but your wife has endured a lifetime of intense vulvar pain, she needs to learn how to enjoy beeing intimate with you without worrying about what she's doing wrong, or what her limitations are, or how much pain she's going to feel. Things will become easier when she grows to trust you with her body again.

I hope that the wonderful advice of these ladies has helped you. I would just like to add that it sounds like it would be helpful for you to communicate more with your spouse- ask her about how she feels about sex and intimacy, and make it clear that you are interested because you care about her, not because you think it will help her be able to meet your sexual needs. you should also share your feelings with her.
In my personal experience, the most important thing for regaining interest and enjoyment of sex (even though I still feel too much pain to have penetration)was feeling empowered and in control because I got too used to sex being something my boyfriend wanted and would cause me pain, guilt at not being sexually functional, and dissapointment. one way I regained a feeling of control was to tell my partner to stop intitiating sex. It was amazing how much of a difference it made to my attitude towards sex when there was no pressure from him, and I could have sex only when I was the one to make a move.
Another way was, I started masturbating again. It sounds simple, but I live in a small one bedroom unit and my partner works from home so it was hard to get time when I was left alone and i had to do it with him in the next room- a bit weird at first, but it was important that i took ownership of my body sexually, so that i could stop feeling like a 'victim' of sex, and more like an acting and willing participant in shared pleasure.
I dont know if either of those things will be helpful for your wife as we are all different- I would recommend talking openly about sex and intimacy but more importantly about her feelings about herself and her pain, and try something that she suggests will make her feel better. I would strongly recommend a therapist to help you out with this communication- you have a long history of pain together that will be difficult to heal.

Thank you for all your comments and support. You are all correct in that the only way for her to be comfortable with me sexually is ... basically let her decide when and how we are intimate. Any pushing from me just makes it worse. My challenge is that I know what I need to do, but its so difficult. My wife is not terribly proactive and tends to keep her emotions hidden deep, even from herself. She tends not to recognize her emotions and why they cause her to do things. So discussing feelings and emotions with her is not too easy.

We did go to a therapist together for a couple sessions, but it was not easy to get her to come. I went by myself at first and she decided to go after a few sessions. The feeling I've always gotten from her was that talking about it... and letting anybody know besides a doctor was a terrible thing that she just couldn't let happen. Before she decided to have the vestibulectomy, I had basically put my foot down. Please, please, seek the final treatment: the surgery that the doctor says is 85% effective, or please please we must go to a therapist because our relationship cannot survive like this. I often wonder if she decided to do the surgery because she felt that would be easier than going to a therapist. Either way, she's still opposed to more therapy... and even though she's a nurse and advocates counseling during difficult life events and chronic pain conditions, she says "it will be a waste of our time to go to a therapist". She's an oddball, but I do love her.

The therapist had never heard of vestibulodynia, but she eventually understood that penis=pain. She suggested lots of techniques, which unfortunately my wife did not want to follow more than once or twice. Basically the things people have suggested before: cuddling with an understanding beforehand that it will not turn into sex, and slowly add more and more things (kissing, fondling, etc) again with the understanding beforehand that it will only go that far.
Also, my wife doesn't masturbate either, and I don't think has any intention of doing that. In fact, any clitoral stimulation causes her pain. She only achieves orgasm through humping. I think that adds to her dislike of anything sexual. For her its not just penetration that caused pain, but anything involving that area.

Sometimes I feel like men in vulvodynia relationships have only a few options: be annoying, be supportive, or leave. Only being supportive works in the long run, but its the hardest. There is no one to talk to about it. No friends, male or female, can fathom the condition and its effects. I apologize for bringing a male into this forum, but I think this group is the only one who can offer advice and understand what people go through with this condition, male or female.

I wonder if my wife just doesn't find me attractive any longer because she can only associate me with pain.

I think I can speak from everyone here and say you are most welcome on the forum- it is for all people affected by vulvodynia and that most certainly includes men like yourself.
It took a long time for me to regain my desire through losing my fear and resentment of sex- and it sounds like it might take longer for your wife, considering she has had the condition so long, still has clitoral pain and has also had children. But if it helps, I got to the point where I thought I could never be attracted to my partner again, I still feel pain, yet I managed to overcome the negative feelings that surrounded my sexuality and have a satisfying, if limited, sexual relationship with my man (and he no longer has to wait for me to initiate sex). It may be a long and difficult path to get to a point where she can enjoy sex again, but I am so grateful to my partner for facing rejection after rejection and for all his patience and support, I dont know what I would have done without him.
It sounds like she needs help to deal with all the emotional baggage from this condition, as it doesnt sound like shes doing too well with it on her own. She is lucky to have you to support her, and its great that you have seen a therapist. It would probably be good for her to speak to someone on her own, as well, if you can convince her. If you can find someone, a therapist who knows all about vulvodynia might seem like less of a waste of time to her, some people from this forum may be able to help you find one near you. And keep on persisting with opening up communication- it might not be easy but its important.
Masturbation may be something she would not do, but I found it was vital to find out what was pleasurable and what was painful, rather than through an emotionally traumatic 'trial and error' approach with my partner- I could show him what to do and tell him what not to do, and I also learned to associate that part of myself with pleasure again, rather than assuming all it could do was hurt. Perhaps if you are with her and conducting foreplay, but not pressuring her to satisfy your own needs (frustrating, yes) she will be more keen on self pleasure?

Lisa has hit the nail on the head!!! Good on you love!

Your wife has lost her sexuality. Most of us do, it's understandable. I didn't even know mine was missing and I'm bloody ancient. Mine was non existant for other reasons but I found mine the same way Lisa did. We're all big kids on here. And Lisa is right about your wife finding out what her boundaries are so she can communicate them to you.

My therapist is a sex therapist. She has a number of clients who have this bastard of a thing so her knowledge is quite specific and incredibly helpful.

Have a look at www.dodsonandross.com. Dr Betty gives great advice on an orgasm for one. It's a mainstream site so don't be shocked. She says she's liberating women one orgasm at a time I don't think she understands V that well but she does understand what makes women tick. If you haven't already check out the other site I posted. I have learned a lot from there.

You are incredibly welcome here! If you decide eventually it would be helpful for your wife to join us we can make this thread disappear. We also have a secret FB group, this doesn't post to your wall. She's more than welcome to join us there as well.

There are answers out there. Being open and honest and perhaps making a plan could be a good place to start.

In New Zealand we say Kia Kaha which means be strong or be of good heart. I suspect you are both of these.

Good luck

I agree with lisa and mouse -- a psychosexual therapist would likely know more about her condition, and be better able to help. Also, I highly suggest having your wife see a therapist on her own before you try couples therapy. It's important to have her face her own feelings before introducing yours. It's difficult to talk about personal things like this in front of only one person, let alone two, and she may worry about hurting your feelings during couples therapy with all of the brutal honesty that will be required of her. It's best to take things one step at a time, and have her go herself.

Also, why don't you direct her to this forum? It might help her to be able to talk to other women who know exactly what she is going through. Talking to doctors and therapists is one thing, but there is nothing quite like talking to someone who has actually experienced the same thing as you. And perhaps it may motivate her to begin taking steps to fix her problem if she saw the posts you have made. It would show her how much you care about your relationship.

Hi Gbook,

At last I'm not the only guy here . As you say, men have three options when it comes to being in relationships with women who have vulvodynia: be annoying, be supportive, or leave. I'm at a very different stage in a relationship with a girl who has this condition, as we have known each other just since the start of the year and have been dating less than a month. When I came onto this forum to ask for advice, to be honest I was checking out the 'leave' option, ie trying to establish whether it's possible to have a proper relationship with someone who has the condition or whether it was best to pass. Thank heavens the ladies here persuaded me to persevere. It's early days but I think she could be the one . So definitely I think it's better to be in the support camp than the annoy or leave ones.

The thing is, and it's not so nice to have to say this, but I think you may unintentionally have been in the 'annoy' category for much of this relationship, because tbh the idea of trying to get a woman who has vulvodynia to have sex with you several times a week, despite the pain it caused her, isn't great. Imagine if it was the other way round: a woman is riding you, she has a huge 'O', and all you can think as you watch her face in the throes of ecstacy is how your dick is in agony, burning like it's on fire. OK, maybe she offered, but then my GF offered to have sex with me once a week because she thought that she would have to 'put out' to keep a man, not because she wanted it. She told me this weekend that when I said I couldn't accept that offer and the condition I'd set on us dating is that she wouldn't ask me to do anything that could hurt her, it made her think I was a 'keeper', which kind of tells you that just because someone offers doesn't mean you should accept.

But the past is the past and you can't change it. So the question is how to turn this situation around in the way that's best for you, your wife and your two young children.

I'd say maybe the two of you should talk and I'd suggest saying to her that you regret wanting sex from her in the past when it was hurting her. Maybe ask her if she wants the relationship to be completely non-sexual going forward and that you'd be happy to go along with that if it's what she wants. See if she still loves you and would be happy to be with you and kiss and cuddle without anything sexual.

It may be that if she does want to stay together on that basis, after some while of there being no sexual pressure on her and lots of kisses and cuddles, she may feel differently about you and the relationship and her sexuality may creep back into her body. But whatever you do I think it would be best not to ask for anything sexually (even now it sounds like you want hand jobs from her) and don't try offering anything, it's for her to masturbate or ask you to bring her to orgasm one day in the future if she starts feeling horny again.

I completely agree that masturbation, getting to know her own sexual interests, and seeking therapy are best. But how to convince her to do those things? With two kids, there are even more opportunities to avoid working on it. Attempts at talking about it are seen as me pushing her to have sex, which doesn't turn out well. I think deep down she even understands what she needs to do.

A little anecdote about overcoming the fears of sex... I work in psychiatry research and we are associated with an anxiety research and treatment group. They tend to treat people who have fears of snakes, claustrophobia, social anxiety, panic attacks etc, and they are very effective. They use exposure and cognitive behavioral therapy to do this. Basically expose someone to something they are afraid of until they learn that the thing is not something to be afraid of. The group actually exposes people to their fearful stimuli on a regular basis, a few times a week, and does therapy with them around the times of exposure. For people with panic attacks, they encourage them to have a panic attack in a controlled setting and show them that the panic does pass, and as they learn that panic attacks are transient, they have fewer and fewer of them until they are gone. Again, its very effective treatment. My wife heard about the work they are doing on the radio, and decided that she would try on her own. Unfortunately her self guided treatment and exposure to sex lasted two times. Both times were pain free, which is good, but she didn't keep up with it.

I remember during our difficult times of trying sex a few years ago, which often ended with her falling asleep or crying, was that I suggested we hold off on penetrative sex and work on the other aspects of intimacy that she did enjoy. I didn't want her to continue to associate my penis, and me, with pain. However she wanted to be in control, and she wanted to determine when and not the penis would go in. Even though she was in pain she'd insist on having sex, because she could control when it happened, and was extremely upset when I was in control and would not have sex. Much like the condition itself, it was absurd, but it showed how afraid of losing control of the situation she was.

So, perhaps I'll refer her to this group at some point. She is active the vulvodynia support group on facebook. I know what she needs to do, clinically, to help herself and her relationship... I think its obvious to her and anyone she talks to about it what she needs to do. But I wonder if she's afraid to seek therapy because someone may tell her the only route to treatment is by doing the one thing she's afraid of... on a regular basis, until she's not afraid of it. Maybe that fear is too much for her to overcome. Unfortunately with the therapy, its ultimately her decision when and if she chooses treatment

Hi there,
I don't have a whole lot to add by way of suggestions because I think everyone has compassionately covered the best ways that your wife could begin to heal her relationship with her own sexuality which her experience with vulvodynia has damaged.

In a relationship, each person is responsible for doing their 50%. That means we have to take responsibility for ourselves, but it also means that we can't try to control or take over for someone else. I think the best question you can ask yourself is, regardless of what your wife has done or hasn't done, are you doing the best you can do at your 50%? I think your plan here would involve making sure that you are doing the best you can to meet her halfway, consistently, for a length of time and then re-evaluate how things stand.

I'll be honest and say that, while I think you do appreciate the challenges that your wife has gone through, that you're angry about some of the difficulties you've been put through and you think your wife should do/have done more. It sounds like a bit of a struggle between wanting to be supportive of her healing and fulfilling your own sexuality. You obviously have a very proactive, direct approach and you've suggested a lot of good things, like therapy, and outercourse instead of intercourse, but it seems like you guys keep reaching the same frustrated impasse. I think it would good for you to see your own therapist (apart from a sexual therapist the two of you would probably benefit from seeing) to address the frustrated feelings in an independent space: in your posts you question whether you two should even have stayed together, you obviously feel like she should attend more to your sexual needs (not having to 'beg' for a handjob), and that now that the pain is gone she has fewer legitimate reasons to avoid sex. I think if you were able to work through some of those feelings, and see your own role in the sexual avoidance cycle (such as in the past giving in and having painful sex) and begin to approach her in a low-key, loving, intimate way (knowing that there may be setbacks before she gets used to this new pattern), then you may be able to initiate the emotional healing.
One quick note is that I strongly doubt that a therapist would "encourage her to do the thing she's afraid of doing until she's not afraid anymore", by which I'm assuming you mean sex. Sex therapy firstly addresses the unhelpful relationship patterns, then re-establishes intimacy, and finally moves into sexual activity on your own terms. Knowing that might make her less afraid to go.

zazu, you are correct. I am angry about the condition. I'm not upset at my wife for how I perceive she dealt with it, I'm just pissed at vulvodynia. I know my wife is too. It's a ridiculous condition that affects something so personal. It's not like other life altering medical conditions which you can talk about openly with friends and family and tell them how you're feeling. It's a private, closed, terrible condition.

However, I am happy that she doesn't have any pain any longer. Which truly is the first step to returning to a satisfying sex life for us both.

Chronic pain conditions are hard enough but other peoples perception of them can be heartbreaking. They can't see it therefore it doesn't exist. All of us put a brave face on it which only reinforces that we must be ok!

It's a bit of a reality check really, in that you don't know what people deal with every day. My neighbour broke her foot yesterday, she has a cast, limited mobility and a considerable amount of pain. What's not obvious to anyone that doesn't know her well is that her husband died suddenly a few weeks ago.

This is my be kind to people message

Wow! I have missed out on a lot of good conversation. You ladies have done a wonderful job of responding to gbook's concerns. Gbook, it is very admirable that you have joined this site to try to help you approach your sexual relationship w/ your wife and your relationship in general. I have been married for over 21 years and I have had Vulvodynia for 2 years. I hate to admit it, but I am not interested in sex at all. I have had periods of time where i have had less pain. But, recently my pain has been pretty bad. As a result of the medication I am on, i have no interest in sex. I am not interested in masturbating and I am not interested in having my husband touch my lady parts. I also associate sex w/ pain. My husband is constantly complimenting me. Every time he tells me how good i look, i cringe because "maybe he wants sex." He wants to cuddle or kiss and i think, "oh no, it will lead to sex." So, "why would I want to lead my husband on or put myself in a possible sexual situation?" My husband and i hate this disorder. He has to listen to me complain about it EVERY DAY. I do try to "please" him once a week. Honestly, I do this to "keep him happy or to keep him away from me." Although i understand that a husband/man should have some sex in a relationship, i feel resentful that i can't get anything in return. My husband is willing to do ANYTHING for me sexually or otherwise, but sex=pain to me. Your wife may feel some resentment that she did have sex that hurt for all that time and now that resentment feeling has not gone away. I'm sure she is quite occupied w/ the children as well. I wish she would consider talking w/ someone individually. She certainly is not alone,

I do see a therapist and i am working on these issues. My husband refuses to go to therapy, which is unfortunate. I can't have surgery, because i have a different type of Vulvodynia. For me the pain is all over the area. Hence, i don't want any touching. My hope is that someday, i will find something to minimize the pain. Your wife may have found that, but now she needs to deal w/ the emotional pain.

I know you love your wife for who she is... I get that you have sexual feelings. But, maybe you can just be her best friend right now and help her through this hard time. I am angry like you. I want to have sex. I want to have sexual feelings. I want to be like a normal person. But, I can't right now. Is your need for sex more important than your friendship w/ your wife?

The conclusion I've come to is that the position of men who are in relationships with women who have vulvodynia depends on what their condition is like, and it seems to vary a lot, for instance :

1. Does the condition affect all of her ladybits or just the area at the entrance to her hole (sorry I don't know the proper term, I mean where a penis goes in and periods or babies come out) and inside it?

2. Does she get pain or an itching feeling, and how bad is it?

3. Is the sensation permanent or does it come and go or vary between itching and pain, and what makes it get better or worse (in particular does touching or full-on sex make it worse)?

4. Does she still have sexual desires, either all the time or always?

In my GF's case, the problem is confined to her hole, it can be a mild to strong itching or a very powerful burning pain, so bad she can hardly stay upright, contact with her hole (not just from sex but also from sanitary protection or the wrong clothing) makes it worse as does a lack of airflow to that area, and she has very strong sexual desires, almost excessive, when she has the itching and none at all with the burning.

Thankfully she isn't at the stage where me kissing or cuddling her turns her away because she thinks it will lead to a demand for sex - she understands that I won't ask for that. If she has her pain I just have to go without, but if she doesn't she is usually up for it, usually meaning me going down on her or sometimes giving her an erotic massage or hand job. She hasn't yet started doing anything for me in return, which can make things a bit frustrating or even painful for me, but it's nothing compared to what she goes through when she has the burning feeling, and I'm hoping one day that will change.

I know nothing about psychology etc but I think if a woman has such pain down there that she has lost her sexual desire, there will be nothing but unhappiness had from asking her to please her man because she will eventually start to resent it. So in that situation I think it's about reassuring her that you don't want anything physical from her so she can relax and at least enjoy being close and cuddling etc without being afraid that it will open a can of worms. Then supporting her as much as possible to try to get medical help to reduce or get rid of the pain. And if the pain has gone and the fear and lack of sex drive is still there, I guess it probably means therapy is needed to see if she can get her horniness back. If she can't than it's either going to be an asexual relationship or if the man can't or won't live with that, one that won't last.

jules, thanks for your insights. I think that is exactly what my wife is going through. She admits it sometimes, but not other times: that any kind of comments or cuddling might lead to sex and based on her experience that is a very bad thing. Jules, your husband should also go to therapy with you, the condition will eviscerate him otherwise.

From my perspective, what I'm missing is not just sex, getting off, fulfilling my sexual needs or some other euphemism. It's the passion of a sexual encounter with the woman I love that I miss. That passion is what disarms the couple and makes them relax and completely surrender to and trust each other. I miss those things.

What makes it difficult in a vestibulodynia relationship is three things: 1) The intense attraction on the part of the guy which makes the woman uncomfortable 2) The rejection the guy feels when the woman he loves isn't comfortable with him. 3) The rejection they both feel when they can't understand each other's feelings.

I think it becomes even harder when the couple can't figure out how to express their feelings to their partner or accept their partners feelings. It's not a case of the husband not being supportive enough or the wife not putting out enough.