My mental health...

How exciting I get to post the second thread here!

Just a few weeks ago I was as close to suicidal as I ever have been. I don't think I wouldve actually hurt myself. I have 3 kids 5 yo and under and the thought of leaving them without a mother was enough to keep me from doing anything, but my goodness I just wasn't sure how much longer I could go on. I was in so much pain and I was so scared my dh would leave me. He has been so supportive and sympathetic, truly flawless when it came to dealing with my pain, but how long was he going to be willing to be supportive like that? And the thought of living with this pain for the rest of my life all combined with post partum hormones just about did me in. My kids didn't deserve a mother who cried all the time, my dh didn't deserve a women he couldn't have a normal relationship with. It was bad. I knew it was bad so I called and asked for an anti anxiety medicine. Within a week the Paxil too full effect and now I'm happy!!! I'm actually happy!! I haven't been happy since this pain started July '10. I am so happy to be happy that it's just snow balling lol. Even with the pain I feel like my normal self.

And now it seems like we can have painless intercourse as long as he doesn't touch. Where it hurts and we use enough lubrication (I say seems like because I was too emotional to try sex during pregnancy and we've only done it 3 times since delivery and I was also dealing with post partum pain from a tear that's gotten better). The fact that we can have sex just sends me over the moon.

I hate this pain and I can't stand to hear people complain about colds or allergies or whatnot because it all seems so petty to me and I want to shake them and scream "You don't know how lucky you are!!" but the fact thy my mental health is back where it should be and dh and I can have sex just makes me so thankful and feel so blessed!! The only thing that could make me happier is to have this pain completely go away.

Oh my goodness Amy. I can't remember who posted about staring at the "bridge at the back of the house" but figuratively that's where most of us have been in recent times. Was that you Claire? My darkest times were in the middle of last year. I have three children also and couldn't imagine leaving them that legacy. I guess that's the key. When you can think about someone elses wellbeing there is hope. I'm so glad you are making progress. Your husband is there because he wants to be. Life isn't always simple. Your kids love you and you don't have to be little miss sunshine to deserve that. In fact that could be pretty bloody annoying.

Be kind to yourself and take care.

That's so lovely Amy, made me smile
It's funny, yesterday we had an appointment with our sex therapist and the same thing came up for me- where, even though my partner has been a godsend through all of this, I still feel insecure about how much he can put up with. I feel like I'm not the same person he fell in love with. And, first of all he came back saying how committed he was, which was really reassuring. But what I thought was especially moving was that my therapist pointed out that we all change- He isn't the same person any more, either. That doesn't mean we're not still in love. Of course, the effect that this has in our lives may make us feel like we change for the worse, but that discounts the inner strength, patience and perspective/wisdom that we also get. I'm definitely not trying to say that it's all for the best, or it happened for a reason, because I don't believe that, but I'm just trying to say that this experience changes us in good and bad ways, but we're all still lovable