Started a new relationship

Hey girls,

Im wondering if you girls can help me out. I have started a new relationship with a man who for the longest time was a best friend for me...and still is. He's a kind and caring man. Nevertheless, I still haven't gotten around to telling him about my condition. I'm scared and I dont know... I feel terrible for not telling him sooner and when I do tell him I'm worried he might go the other way.

Honesty is a big part in any relationship...and I have a track record of being in horrible relationships, so I dont really know the first thing about having a healthy relationship with a man. And vulvodynia just makes things more difficult for me.

Sorry i'm rambling and i'm scrambling my brain wondering how I can break this ''news'' to him.

Thanks for reading

Noni

Hi Noni,

I am so pleased for you. You got me thinking about when I first met my Husband, you know all loved up couldnt wait to see each other, and I wondered what I would do in your situation. I am looking on the positive side, what if your love hormones stop the pain or discomfort and you are ok with him? Why not wait and see how things go. You never know until you try,when your love juices ooz you never know, it may be the best cure so far. Let all your new feelings come to the surface and see what happens.


So thrilled for you Noni, you go girl


Ria

I totally understand your fear about this, since becoming single I've been thinking I probably should consign myself to being on my own forever now even though I'm only 38 and have wondered if I met someone I really liked how would I tell them. I don't really know the answer but if this guy was and is your best friend then it should be ok to be honest, I don't think all men would do a runner if they knew so I say be honest. It's going to come out at some point when you're getting ready to be intimate so just explain it as best you can. Good luck and I do hope he turns out to be a keeper.

Hi Noni

Im in a new relationship and took advice from a couple of the girls on here that I had a meet up with.

I first said that I had a Pelvic Pain condition and that ment that sometimes I couldnt have sex or 'go all the way'. He was ok with this and then I just started telling him more and more. About the forum, the biofeedback, the name of the condition etc. I had to tell him to be gentle with me in all aspects of anything sexual etc as sometimes even touching would be painful. Once I got the initial 'I get pain and cant always have sex' thing out the way then the rest just followed for me.

He has been great and very supportive and I do hope your boyfriend is the same. It is such a difficult thing to say but once you get the first sentence out the way and see his reaction (hopefully ok!) then you will feel that the rest will follow

I know its scary but take a risk and if he legs it then he wasnt the one for you hun.

Good Luck

Thank u girls for you support and advice.

Sebby-- i think ur right...i should just initially say i have pelvic pain and go from there...

Wish me luck!

This whole V situation has made my life for the past 9 months a living hell and I really would love to focus my energy on other things in life and maybe find a partner who could support me through this ordeal.

Girls we deserve to be happy.

xo -- noni

Good luck hun,

We do deserve happiness and partners who support us and we can find them

Wishing you blessings xx

Hi Noni.
That other lady may have been right with the love juices, ha ha. My partner I was with about 10 years ago I could not have sex with once ( we were together 4 years) when we broke up it wasn't long before I was meeting other guys. I told them as soon as I met them on the night or whatever. Then the first guy after the long term one was reasonibly ok, he actually said ot wasn't as bad as he had thought it would be. Then my next partner who I have been with for 8 years slowly got better. at first no sex, then slowly we got to know each other better and things slowly happened. I have to still to this day use Xylocaine cream before sex as it hurts on the outside. We will just cuddle naked as we call it. Then rest there for a while whilst i take deep breaths and relax my muscles which automatically go into spasm. However still try to keep him interested in the mean time or things will go down pretty quickly. Hopefully things will start to happen for you.
Melanie

Melanie wrote:Hi Noni.
That other lady may have been right with the love juices, ha ha. My partner I was with about 10 years ago I could not have sex with once ( we were together 4 years) when we broke up it wasn't long before I was meeting other guys. I told them as soon as I met them on the night or whatever. Then the first guy after the long term one was reasonibly ok, he actually said ot wasn't as bad as he had thought it would be. Then my next partner who I have been with for 8 years slowly got better. at first no sex, then slowly we got to know each other better and things slowly happened. I have to still to this day use Xylocaine cream before sex as it hurts on the outside. We will just cuddle naked as we call it. Then rest there for a while whilst i take deep breaths and relax my muscles which automatically go into spasm. However still try to keep him interested in the mean time or things will go down pretty quickly. Hopefully things will start to happen for you.
Melanie

PS: Men really care less than you think as long as they're getting a load off if you know what I mean.

Lol Melainie that is very true

I wanted to ask about the anesthetic creams. I have a tube for practise lol I have only tried it once (on my own) and found it does sting at first, although the dr did say that will wear off. I didnt find it numbed me (I was having a flare up) but I dont think I put much on.

I was wondering if it would numb the man also! (would be a very long night if it did lol)

Also how would you apply it before sex? and how long does it take to work?

Thanks

Hey Girls!

I appreciate your advice and feedback. The man i'm seeing doesnt put any pressure on me to put out, so to speak. He is in no rush and he's very gentle. I hope this lasts.

I told him not too long ago that I have ''pelvic pain'' ...he then asked if its short term or chronic...and he wanted to know the name of the condition. I said I would explain at a later time as i'm not very comfortable talking about my condition. I only said that i'm on medication for it for an undetermined period of time.

Anyways... maybe not all men are dogs. Intimacy is ofcourse an important part of a relationship, but there are so many other ways to express that.

@Sebby and Melanie: What am I to do with the Xylocaine/Lidocaine my doctor prescribed me? Is it just for flare-ups or is it to be applied before sex? I'm so confused... does sex cause you ladies pain on the outside or inside...or both???

Grrr.... i'm so confused...

Anyways..take care girls

Luv, noni

When I was given lidocaine (I couldn't get on with it) I was told to apply it to the vestibule 10 minutes before sex. You can also apply some during the day or overnight if you get on with it.

I was actually surprised by how good some men are. The media often stereotypes them into being sex-mad penis driven creatures.

When I told my partner about it I was just bluntly honest. I said I had a chronic pain disorder there and that sometimes I wouldn't be able to have intercourse - although that 'sometimes' is actually 'most times' so I suppose I wasn't too honest! But we find it fine, intercourse isn't the only intimate thing you can do. In fact he's often said sometimes he prefers just hugging than doing anything.

Plus, to be honest, if they do react badly to it then they probably aren't the relationship type character that you want around.

Sebby (Admin) wrote:
Lol Melainie that is very true

I wanted to ask about the anesthetic creams. I have a tube for practise lol I have only tried it once (on my own) and found it does sting at first, although the dr did say that will wear off. I didnt find it numbed me (I was having a flare up) but I dont think I put much on.

I was wondering if it would numb the man also! (would be a very long night if it did lol)

Also how would you apply it before sex? and how long does it take to work?

Thanks

What I have found is that you have to be prepared to hurt yourself a little whilst applying it. The first time I used it, I just squeezed it in there and though that would be enough, but that's not the case. You have to use your fingers to really push it around and make sure it's covering all of the places that hurt you. My pain is right at the entrace, all around there, so I have to insert my fingers and really rub these places. It's painful, but not unbearable. After about five minutes you should be numbed. If you've never used it before, or if it's been a while, it will burn you a little before it numbs you, but that's nomal and it will fade. Also, you do have to use quite a lot of the stuff.

I've only used lidocaine once to try (not before sex) it stings at first and I didnt like that but I am told the stinging gets better the more you use it

I have pain on the outside and inside during sex (mainly just within the entrance). But once I relax and am not so tight intercourse starts to feel much better. I cant always go 'all the way' so often do 'outercourse' as its called. I find that if you start out on top then you can control how fast or slow and by how much he enters you until you relax.

It also helps to be really really turned on like crazy before trying intercourse lol

Penetration from behind also helps me, it seems to avoid him bumping on the most sore bits (around my ureathra and clitoris) and as Sebby said turned on like crazy helps so much. I'd give 40 mins of forplay prior to trying sex.

Also yes lidocane can numb your partner, we have tried. Use condoms.

Lidocane did not work for me at all, but numbed him!