Me ranting.

I really need to blow off some steam about this.
So, I haven't had sex in more than a year because it's so unpleasant, and I wasn't seeing anyone. I had only had sex with my long term boyfriend (now ex), and he was very patient with me, and I could like it a little bit, but, you know. Pain. (Actually I got all my unprovoked vulvodynia from losing my virginity to him at age 22, 4 years ago.)
Anyway, so my friends seem to like sex, and this always makes me jealous. So I started going on a few dates with this guy who is very attractive. And usually attractive guys just aren't into me, so I was very excited. Anyway, so me and this new guy (i'll call him Michael) were making out at his apartment, and Michael was insisting, as he'd done other times we'd made out, that we have sex. So finally, after a lot of me saying that I was afraid of STDs, I let him put his condomed penis in. It didn't feel sexual to me at all. It just felt like me trying to put in my vaginal dilators. Anyway, it was not a good idea to have sex with Michael, because he wasn't sensitive, like at all. Like I told him to stop moving because it hurt, and he still would a bit, which hurt a ton. What a jerk!!!!! So mad. and later, when he was thrusting more, he did not ask how i felt.
and THEN, with me so distracted by the pain, and thinking about how I'll never be able to have normal sex with anyone, he put in his UNCONDOMED penis in. This guy has slept with other girls, including while not wearing condoms, and now I'm afraid I'll have gotten STDs from him, such as HPV. I'm not going to hang out with him again. I texted him afterwards saying, why did you do that without a condom? and he of course never replied.

I think it was a combination of my wanting an attractive guy to like me, of my wanting to be a sexual person, of my wanting to please other people, etc. I feel taken advantage of. And afraid of HPV, and herpes too. and I'm afraid that I'll never be able to fulfill my husband sexually. My gyno said something like, if you can't have a healthy sex life with your partner, then that's very bad for the relationship, or something. Great. ugh!!! Any advice/words of comfort? I am feeling so crummy.

I am in the same position as you, so I don't really have any helpful advice, but I just wanted to let you know that your gyn is full of shit. That is a horrible thing to say to someone, especially when you are in a position of authority and people look to you for help.

I have had horrible medical professionals say things like that to me too, and it is simply nonsense. Men are not all sex maniacs. We paint this picture of them as emotionless sex fiends, which is unfair and untrue. There are plenty of men out there who will grow to love you for who you are, and to whom sex is not a vital part of the relationship. Rather, it is something you can share together when you feel you are ready. He will be patient with you and will not pressure you. This is not idealistic, it is fact. There are numerous women who have vulvodynia and for whom sex is difficult and rarely possible, yet they are able to sustain relationships.

I feel like a hypocrite writing that, because I admit that I worry about this constantly too. But I think it's just one of those things that is such a sensitive, emotional subject, that sometimes thinking about it rationally doesn't help, you still feel hopeless.

Seriously though, this one guy is a total assface. I know that it can be frustrating feeling like you're never going to be able to be sexual, and it can escalate to the point of you feeling like you'll just go out and sleep with anyone, but if you don't give yourself time in a relationship and you just force yourself to do it with smoeone who is insensitive and pressures you, you will lose faith in humanity. There are a huge amount of totally unbelieveable jerks out there, but they do not represent all of mankind. Don't let this disgusting man shape your views of all men. There are genuinely nice guys out there and to them, what your vagina can and cannot do will be unimportant.

*hugs*

P.S. God I could rant about medical professionals all day, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? Why do they think it's okay to tell someone who is in an emotional place and is dealing with something difficult that they will have problems because sex is like the most important thing in the world. UGGH I hate doctors sometimes.

Thank you so so much. I feel a lot better after reading that. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I would just like to second the notion that penetration is not the be all and end all in a relationship. I’ve had v for 10 years and have been with a fab guy for the last 4, we have a strong relationship and are committed to each other despite having had penetrative sex maybe a total of 10 times, with varying degrees of success. Sexually there are plenty of other things we can do and if I’m having a horrible time with the v I don’t feel pressured for sex. A relationship is many things; love, empathy, companionship, sex is just one part and one that can be worked around with some imagination. I’m sorry about your horrible experience and hope you meet someone wonderful soon x

Thank you. It's so nice to hear of an example of a healthy relationship with a guy who is sensitive about your condition. And how, for a guy, there's way more to a relationship than penetrative sex.