Sex and the hurting vulva

Hi there, I'm Yuffie623. I haven't been to the board in a while but I wrote an entry in New Members about my history:

http://www.vulvodyniasupportforum.com/t660-new-to-the-board

TL;DR - Vulvodynia or not, I'm still horny as hell, and I can't have sex.

This isn't a rant, but I'm new to the board and don't know where to put it.

Lots of talk of wanking.

(Apparently this is called "localized provoked vulvodynia.")

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Long version:

I actually also have bipolar disorder, (and I don't know what anyone here might know about that at all, basically it means I cycle between episodes of mania and depression, and only NOW have I admitted to myself that I have it), so I've got things going badly in the brain and in the bush. Both things are turn-offs for lovers.

I'm straight, and a guy once told me not to use the word "lover," it was weird to him, but I'm not sure what else to call them, so lover it is!

I'm also 27. I didn't always have vulvodynia. It didn't manifest itself until I was 21, which sucks, because at that point I was still only just discovering all the potential of sex.

I was lucky for a few months around the time it manifested, and it seems so very long ago now. It's probably inappropriate - certainly he would be discomforted if not horrified that I do this - but my boyfriend when I was 20 is still in my head, if you get my meaning, and I still call up our time together in my memory when I'm masturbating. It didn't seem dirty at first to do this, but now it's seven years later, and the boyfriend in my memories is still only 19 years old. He lives in another country (I lived there for those several months) and so I have no idea what he looks like now, at my age. Awkwaaarrrd.

It was the best sex I've had, mainly because it was exclusively oral sex between the two of us.

Until I was 20, there were no signs of vulvodynia. I first started taking birth control when I was 18, and I'm convinced that had something to do with it developing, although my latest doctor says she doesn't believe hormones influence it at all. I think it does, because I've been on and off birth control, and when I was off of it for a few months, I think I remember (it too seems so long ago, and I didn't write down what I was feeling; I was 23) there being no pain until I went back on the Pill. I think. I can't remember.

My latest experiment of quitting the pill, I started not least because it interferes with my medication for bipolar, the combination producing horrible headaches every month during my period (go figure that an anti-convulsant would interact that way). Also the pharmacist cautioned me, although the pdoc (psychiatrist) seemed to think I'd be fine, that taking my meds would reduce the effectiveness of HBC, if not cancel it out altogether. Oh great doc. Genius. (So far it's been a few months and there's still stinging pain, so the GYNO is probably right. But then I wonder why it subsided enough to have intercourse back in 2008?)

Not that I could have sex at the time anyway, because my vulvodynia was a pain. I stayed on birth control to keep the regular periods, but clearly it wasn't the best idea. Instead of quitting HBC I quit the meds. Bad idea. So I'm back on them and less headaches. Hmm.

I've always been a person with an active libido. You get me in a situation where I could get off, and I'm there. Obviously if I'm not into the guy, or if we have broken up, there's a lot of emotion, either powerful or just, in the case of not being attracted, just apathetic or turned off, I won't. But if I want him, I want to have him.

The trouble comes, now that I have this disorder, vulvodynia, that I can't have intercourse. And that's just a dealbreaker for most guys. The only people understanding of it are some of my exes who are also close friends, who were shocked at first, and then just sort of like, "There, there, Yuffie. You'll meet someone who will...possibly understand."

Some ask for blow jobs.

I need new friends.

ANYWAY, the thing I hate about vulvodynia is that I'm still super horny. Really really horny. I have the kind that only turns up when the opening of my vagina has pressure put on it. So it's when I'm trying to have intercourse, trying to masturbate internally (or someone else is), using tampons, getting a pelvic exam at the OBGYN, or sitting for a long time. I can remember (and long for) pain-free sex. I call up memories and fantasies when I'm masturbating, but I'm starting to forget what it's like to have pain-free intercourse. It's awful. I can't help but feel like less of a woman. Like part of what made me ME is missing, as well.

Not that sex has been good for me all these years. Relationships while bipolar, unmedicated, have been turmoil. THEN the vulvodynia kicked in, and if I was healthy, maybe I would have stayed with one man and we could've worked through it, but even when me and a partner are just doing "outercourse" or oral sex, the relationship problems still come up. I'm being very vague because this entry is long enough, so...yeah.

I've masturbated since puberty, and learned when I was having pain-free sex that I can't orgasm vaginally, which was an issue in itself trying to figure out how to combine clitoral stimulation with intercourse (all throughout my youth guys convinced me something was "wrong" with me that I couldn't come vaginally, but finally I found out few women can). But then when the pain showed up...Urk. So much more complicated to explain to men.

Anyway I'm gonna wrap this up. I don't know if anyone else still has an active libido and this condition (I should read other posts). I don't know if anyone else has mental illness either. But anyway, that's my story.

Yuffie