SEX!!! (well, sorta)

I am on such a high right now I had to post.

I tried doing some massages these past few days to try to open up the vestibule a bit (it was really tight, could barely get a pinky in.. not sure if it's swelling or muscle resistance). First day, HURT TERRIBLY!!! Worst my pain had been in weeks. But I did it again anyway the second night, and again this morning and just kept telling myself, "I'M GOING TO GET BETTER! SEX IS NOT PAINFUL!" lol I also used my vibrator just on the clit to get some sense of relief (also been reading Dr. Glazer's stuff). Today, I wasn't feeling quite so badly. Oh, and i've been using TONS of vaseline during the day so it doesn't feel so dry and raw.

First of all, my boyfriend is also starting to equate sex with pain (either pain of rejection or knowing it might cause me pain afterwards) and so he has been afraid to initiate ANY intimacy, including kissing, touching other areas, ect. He calls us born again virgins He has been so supportive but I have been feeling really nonsexual, it's been killing my self esteem, plus the other health issues... been a bad month mentally. So today, I put on a cute dress, loaded up on vaseline and told myself nothing hurt and I was sexy (lol, I know cheesy but it did boost my self esteem a bit to wear the dress). Everytime i felt a sting, I just repeated "nothing hurts and I am sexy". I wasn't planning on anything happening, but I wanted to feel sexy.

So, we were cuddling on the couch and I kissed him and BOOM!! Our first passionate kiss in WEEKS, perhaps months (I can't even tell anymore). He relaxed a bit and started exploring, staying FAR from down there. I wanted it though, and so I went for it. We got just the tip (barely even that) in, and he just left it there (thank God he knew not to go farther) for TWO MINUTES!! and I was fine physically. We both cried to even have that little bit of sexual feeling back.

The mental part of this disorder is so much harder for me sometimes then the physical pain. I haven't felt like a woman in so long, and today just completely boosted me up again.

I'm really pleased for you and I think you might benefit from a set of dilators too, buy a cheap set and oil them up then starting with the smallest one just insert as far as you can and leave in place for a few minutes working up to about 20 minutes then gradually move up a size until you reach the largest one. That gets the body ready for penetration and helps to soften and relax the tissue after massage.

Thank you Sarah001. I've been considering the dilators... Some of it for me is constantly thinking it's going to hurt, even on days it doesn't and being afraid of penetration now in general. I'm really thinking mine was caused by hormonal changes, and i'm going to force the doctors to check them out, which I know is going to be difficult considering my age and the lack of knowledge they seem to have. I'm bringing a bunch of printouts on hormone imbalances and their effects on the body because they match every one of my symptoms. The one doctor had been treating the V with estrogen cream, and then the other symptoms started so I'm thinking my hormones got really messed up.

The pain, from my logic lol, has caused me to tense up down there to protect everything, and i need to get over that fear. I keep trying to relax it everytime I realize I'm tensing... I've been relaxing it like pretending I'm about to pee, is this the correct way?

The exercise you're doing that feels like you're pretedning to pee will be helpful. My physiotherapist told me that a good way to relax the muscles there is to tense them as hard as you can, and then release. When you release, really pay attention to what you are feeling, and try to identify which muscles you can feel relaxing. Try to get used to the feeling of having them relax. Over time you should be able to mimic this relaxation without the tensing beforehand. In the beginning when you first start, tense and relax repeatedly for a few minutes, holding them closed tight for about ten seconds, then releasing for ten seconds, etc. It helps to do this with the insertion of a finger. Tense around the finger, and then relase, really focusing as hard as you can on the feeling of release, and trying to release further each time. When I first started physio, this is what she would have me do, and it helped an emormous amount. I used to have pretty much zero control of the tensing of my muscles down there. I was afraid of any penetration and would tense unconsciously, and I had no idea how to release. Now I have almost full control over it.

I also second Sarah's suggestion about buying dilators. I have a set and they have been the biggest help for me. In the beginning I was so afraid of penetration and even the smallest ones hurt. But I persisted in using them often and now I can manage all of them. I have to use a numbing lidocaine gel to get up to the biggest ones, because obviously not all of my pain results from muslce tension -- my vulvodynia just will not allow me pain free penetration with larger objects. But still, without the lidocaine I can get a lot farther than I used to be able to. It's scary at first, and yes it will be a little painful to begin with, but your body will adjust and get used to the feeling of insertion, and you will definitely benefit in the long run.

I'm so pleased to hear of this sexual achievement by the way. To the ordinary women it may not sound like much, but we vulvodynia sufferers recognize how big of a step this is, I'm so happy for you and your partner. He sounds amazing by the way, you have been really lucky to find someone so understanding.

Thank you lola! Definately going to check out some dilators.

My partner is amazing and so supportive. My symptoms started shortly after we first started being physical with one another, and it definately took a toll on us since we were in the beginning of a relationship and the sex had been incredibly emotional for both of us. But, he's stuck by me and I appreciate him so much for it. It's hard seeing how big of an impact its had on his emotional wellbeing though.

Yes pretending you're relaxing to pee is a great way to do it, I then expand on that by really paying attention to what I'm doing with the rest of the pelvic floor and imagine the relaxation kind of spreading out towards my hips and sit bones. But dilators are really helpful, I leave on in place for a while most days and the days I do I'm alot better the next day and if I skip a day I really notice. Dilators take a few months to make a difference though so don't get discouraged in the beginning.

Really happy for you to get back some of your relationship with your fella. Know exactly how awful it can make you feel (both of you).

I've very recently discovered this website (although I'm sure other sufferers will have come across this before) -
http://www.yesyesyes.org/index.htm

They sell natural lubricants which can work really well for V sufferers. I've not been able to have sex with my husband for about six years but I decided it was time to start trying again, because we would like to start a family. Last month, using lidocaine to numb first AND some of the YES baby lubricant (from the site above) we were able to have sex - couldn't believe it!!! Am now hoping to get pregnant soon!