Loss of libido

My partner of three years suffers from vulvodynia and has since the first time we had sex. It was her first time, so she's never experienced pain free sex... ever. We've really struggled with this. At first, we thought to just keep trying but quickly realized that that wasn't working and was possibly damaging, so we went to go see someone.

When she was diagnosed with vulvodynia, she was scared and hurt - but I tried to be as supportive as possible and participate as much as possible in the treatments. I would help with dialating or at least be present with her during it. I think that I did a good job being patient and not pressuring her with sex - and when we did engage in sex, made sure to go at her pace, not mine. Sometimes, I would just stay motionless inside her so that we could feel that level of intimacy without it being painful (granted, I think it was painful but less painful than motion). I think she felt defeated often and that she was letting me down, so sometimes she would try and keep going through the pain - but I learned to recognize when she was doing this and then suggest that we stop (never in a mean way, trying to be as caring as possible). We use vaginal valium (mixed with lidocane) now, and although that's allowed her to experience sex without pain (to a point, but I would say there's still discomfort) it also prevents any type of sensation at all... which I think depresses her.

My point is that I really try to be as supportive as I can be and as patient as possible. I often would let her initiate so that she was in control.

But somewhere along the way, I think I repressed my libido and in the past 9 months, our frequency of any type of sexual intimacy (even non-penetrative) has dropped to almost never... And I feel awful about it. There's been so much tiptoeing around sex that I have such trouble trying to initiate it now. And now she feels that I don't want her anymore and I'm struggling with what to do. She's constantly angry at me, which I understand - but it also makes it that much harder for me to initiate. And its affecting the rest of our relationship now... I think there's a lot of frustration on both sides.

In the past, we've been really strong communicating about this. In these past months, I'm doing a worse and worse job. We keep having the same conversations saying that we need to do more and that I need to engage more, but all I do is apologize - but it's still just as challenging for me to take the initiative.

I love her to death and want to figure this out, but I am absolutely lost. Is there anyone out there who has experienced anything like this? How were you able to get through it?

Hi I understand what you guys have been dealing with. I have been dealing with vulvodynia for 2 1/2 years now and my husband and I have been together for almost 3 years. I can't say it has been an easy time and we are still dealing with these frustration issues as you and your girlfriend have been dealing with. I have to say how amazing you are to stand by your girl through all this, most guys out there wouldn't have the patience for it. Speaking for myself I know I carried a lot of guilt and pressure which put me in depression moods. Like most men, my husband has had a high sexual drive and then my condition started and we had to stop. I have had to come to terms to just let the guilt go, because I didn't ask for this and I'm doing everything I can to treat this condition. Even though you are there for her and support her, she will feel like she has let you down, she has let herself down and that there is no hope for this condition. I know when my husband has told me that he loves me no matter what and says he isn't going anywhere it has made the difference. He has also said well so we don't have sex no biggie, I'm happy with you and that is all that matters. Have you guys tried being intimate without sex??? Not to get personal, but you can still have that intimacy by exploring each others body, get creative and fun with it. I know little things make me know that my husband cares, such as he gives me a hug randomly, cuddles with me, takes me out for dinner or whatever. I don't know if you guys would want to go see a therapist, maybe finding the right techniques to use for discussions. My husband and I benefited from something like this and it has helped when we get into fights, lets face it the frustration is always going to be there while this condition is still present, but there are certain ways to have discussions that will lead to less fights. I know my husband and I would be more intimate if I wasn't going through this issue, but he also doesn't want to put me in pain. I guess just find out what you guys can do that you are both comfortable with go from there. I have to again compliment you on staying by her side and going through this with her. I'm sure you have done this already, but if not look at other treatments for her together and see what she is comfortable with. Has she tried a physical therapist, mine has work great for me. I wish you both the best of luck and hope you both can get through this. This issue is making you guys a stronger couple in the long run and if you can get through this, then you can get through anything.

Well done for being so supportive of your partner through this. We truly appreciate it when a partner/husband can be understanding of this condition.

I have been married for 2 and a half years and had vulvodynia for 2 and a half years. I was with my husband for two years before this, during which time we enjoyed pain free sex, so to some extent this is more difficult.

My husbands sex drive has dropped off compared to what it was prior to the onset of vulvodynia. and I initiate most times. It is just learning a differnt way of being intimate with eachother. You say the lidocane numbs her completely, is she able to enjoy clitoral stimulation without pain?

We focused on non penetrative methods of intamcy - oral sex and mutual masturbation - for a long time, until I felt more comfortable. This brought his sex drive up as he knew he wouldn't hurt me and we could both orgasm without penetration. Then we worked up to him using a vibrator internally on me that was smaller than him, and always gentle, use heaps of coconut oil as lubricant and forplay until she is really turned on. Let her tell you where to touch her, that feels good.

Pain free penetration is acheivable for me thanks to adequate forplay, a years worth of internal physio (I don't do it anymore) heaps of lubricant and intimate times without penetration. Penetration should never be the goal. Just pleasing eachother should be Always let her control the depth and speed of penetration, so you know what works.

We are now expecting our first baby in January. Sex still hurts a little sometimes, and it was hard while trying to conceive because we had to do it so often.. but if it does hurt now, we just pull back a bit and focus on external stimulation.

Hope this helps /

I was glad to see this post because I am looking for an answer for my partner, who is in your situation. I'm also surprised to see the responses because, for me, there is no form of sexual intimacy that is appealing and I don't understand how people who have the kind of pain I do could be interested in it either.

Mark098 - It seems like you have lost your libido and want it back, because your partner still has one? In my case, I have no libido - never have - and my partner lost his for a while but now his is coming back and I'm not sure how to deal with that. As the partner without pain, what advice would you give to me to try to reduce my fiance's libido again? Or even eliminate it? If he didn't want sex, our relationship would be damn near perfect. But as it stands, I let him have sex with me once a month and he is starting to want it more. I've told him he should just have sex with other women instead of me, but he says he doesn't want to do that. I'm confused at how he can enjoy sex with me when I am in so much pain the whole time. But, I guess I will never understand sex drives!

punkyb13 I understand how you feel, there was a time when I wished my husband didn't want anything to do with intimacy, but then I realized that upsets him and he's not happy nor am I. He wants to have sex with you to feel that intimacy and being close to you, because he loves you. If the pain is so bad why do you let him penetrate you? To me that is not helping you heal and get better, that is only agitating everything more. Not sure if you have or not, but try to explain to him the amount of pain you are in and the emotional stress it puts you through. Not sure if you have tried what the other posts have said, but like some of us said you can be intimate without penetration. If there are some things you want to try, maybe it will make you have a want for intimacy, not necessarily for sex, cause trust me I get that you want nothing to do with sex. For me sex is the devil cause it causes pain, but I also know that it hasn't always been like that nor will it always be like that. Just by my husband's touches and kisses he can get me turned on and like I said you can get around the no sex issue and still have fun while both parties being satisfied. Trust me when I'm in some pain I still want and would give anything to have sex. I guess if you have never had a libido then it would be hard to want anything sexual. Like I said before try new things with your fiance, if you think you might like something tell him and I'm sure he will love that, being able to excite his partner will make him happy. Also maybe you want to talk to you doctor about increasing your libido. I know there are some medicines out there, just not sure how effective.

Another question, are you depressed? Speaking from my experience I have gone through many bouts of depression....too many to count. I know when I'm in these moods the pain is worse. I have noticed a direct correlation between pain levels and my mood/behavior. Also I have notice if I start to experience pain a little more all I have to do is some deep breathing exercises and it relaxes my body, muscles and mind. I kid you not that pain goes away. For me my pain is caused by tight and tense pelvic muscles. Speaking of depression, I was on a anti-depression med for a few months to block the pain, it did the trick but I was so out of it 24/7, I had no energy. A common side effect to those pills are loss of libido, so wasn't sure if you were on those. I hope this has helped somewhat. Just know your fiance loves you and the last thing he would do is hurt you so stop telling him to sleep with other women (cause you know in your heart that will be the end of it, could you really accept that), be more open to him about the pain and look forward to other treatments (do this together, get him more involved) and experiment sexually with touches and even toys. Don't let this condition take over your life, get it back and get happy. If you ever need to talk I'm here as with so many other supporters! I wish you luck, stay strong.

Thanks Nova, your post was really nice & understanding. I get what you are saying and I've heard a lot of that before. I guess my problem is - why do I have to be the one to go get fixed? I have no libido, he has one. I've been to doctors and physical therapists and taken pills and used creams, spent money and time and energy on all of it, when I have no desire to at all, just as a favor to him. Well none of it worked so now, why isn't it HIS turn to see if he can get rid of his libido? Why can't HE go to doctors and take pills? If he had no libido everything would be great, and I could even stop taking birth control which would be great too. And why can't he have sex with other women? He spent a good 12 years having sex with women he didn't care about, and he does other things that I'm not interested in with other people - like watching football and fishing. And I go elsewhere and pay someone to give me back massages when I want them. I don't make him do it if he doesn't want to. I don't expect him to take pills or go to doctors so that it is easier to give me a back massage. Anyway, it just seems unfair and I am exhausted from all of it.

punkyb13,

You can not ask someone to GET RID of their sex drive, it is a perfectly natural normal behaviour for him to want to be intimate with you. He does not want to have sex with other women because he wants YOU, that alone should make you feel great!. I went through the "just have sex with other people" stage but my husband explained, he doesn’t want "sex" he wants to be intimate with ME. being open and discussing your feelings goes a long, long way. Look at how you can compromise together so you BOTH feel good and honestly if he did have sex with other people, how inadequate would that make you feel, realistically. It would make you feel like shit because you can't do that for him. Instead focus on what you can do for one another. You seem to be suggesting you have never felt "turned on" ever. Could you clarify this? Do you enjoy kissing? Holding hands? Get him to give you a massage? Cuddles, anything to bring intimacy is good.

For example last night my hubby said to me that sex is starting to feel weird because of my big pregnant belly and he said he didn't want me to get offended but he feels weird doing it with baby there... I said that's fine and we just be intimate in other ways. Being intimate doesn't necessarily mean being sexual either. Keep that in mind. You can have a perfectly satisfying intimate experience without being sexual at all experimentation like Nova suggested, is key. Once we opened our minds and realised this things became a lot easier.

Nova I love your post about relaxation helping. It totally does! Punkyb13 perhaps you could try some meditation or yoga, it really does help with the pain, anywhere in the body, and it soothes your mind!. When I was really suffering, a nice warm bath and then some yoga would relax me enough to enjoy penetrative sex with hubby :)Sometimes all it really is is tense muscles.

Good luck!!

Also birth control is not good for vulvodynia. Mine improved so much from coming off it!!

Aussie,

Thanks, I appreciate your advice but I don't know why I can't ask him to get rid of his libido, but he can ask me to take pills, go to shrinks, go to gynos, go to urologists, go for physical therapy, use lidocaine, and tolerate his sexual appetite??? Maybe he could take one pill to eliminate his sex drive - like an anti-depressent or progesterone or something. Instead, I have to take birth control, pain meds, anti-deppressants, and macrobid, in addition to using the lidocaine. It seems much more efficient to have 1 pill a day for him than 5 or more pills a day for me, plus cream and physical therapy.

You are right that I have NEVER been turned on. I have no idea what that means or feels like. And I can't really empathize with his sex drive because there is nothing that I want or like so much that I would hurt him, or even annoy him, to get it. I do like getting massages, and he gives those to me when he feels like it but otherwise I pay people at a spa to do it.

I don't feel inadequate for not being able to satisfy his sex drive, and I don't think I ever should or would. If I can go elsewhere for my massages I think he can go elsewhere for his orgasms. Why would I be upset that he was doing this awful thing with someone else?

I think intimacy and sex are completely different, totally unrelated things. I do not see any connection between the two. He says he does, but I don't believe that given the number of people he had sex with before being in love and the fact that he gets off on porn from the internet.

As for the birth control, I can't go off of that unless we stop having sex so that is kind of a catch 22! Not sure how others do it, but I don't want to risk the pregnancy.

So, all of these reasons are why I am looking for the easiest way to get rid of his libido. It seems like the simplest solution to the whole thing.

You go to Physical Therapy, take pills and creams etc to try and eliminate your pain, because pain with sex is NOT normal, neither is never being turned on. To say you have never been turned on is to say you have never been sexually attracted to your husband. It is saying you don't feel good when you kiss him....So has he always been more like a friend to you rather than a partner? Your husband having a sex drive and to want to be close to the women he loves IS normal and natural asking him to take a pill to fix something that isn’t broken is unethical. All medications carry risks and to be honest I doubt a doctor would even prescribe anything for him….. This is why he should not have to take a pill because there is nothing wrong with him. It is extremely unfair to ask him to do that. The goal of all these therapies for you is to ensure you have a normal happy relationship because sex is a part of that. Do you have pain 24/7 or just with sex?

I would consider finding out what turns you on for yourself. Without him first, this clearly is an issue, how can you be expected to enjoy any form of sexual contact if you have never been turned on at all. This really needs looking at. Have you considered couples sex therapy?

Also there are many more methods of contraception other than the pill. Surely you know of these?

We use non latex condoms or the pull out method. Pull out method works just fine - There are actually only a period of about 4 days a month where a women can physically get pregnant. Given the limited amout of sex you are actually having the chances of pregnancy are so minimal.....

You can also just watch your cervical fluid to see which times you are most fertile and avoid sex during those times. Or use the charting method for preganncy prevention rather than trying to conceive. I would never put hormones in my body again. My vulvodynia improved so much off the pill, it simply is not worth it.

I guess we just have to agree to disagree on the sex drive thing. I don't think it is normal to want sex so much that you are willing to hurt someone you love to get it. And I don't want a sex drive, because people who are "horny" repulse me, I don't want to be like that.

I know about condoms and the pull out method, but he doesn't want to use condoms and they are more expensive and less reliable than the pill. I wouldn't trust the pull out method. I'm glad it works for you, but that it way too risky because there are sperm way before there is orgasm.

I have pain with anything that touches that area - toilet paper, tight clothing, washcloth, anything.

I've never been "sexually" attracted to anyone, if that means wanting to have them put their penis inside me. I liked kissing in the past, but now it is just a gateway to sex and has lost the appeal. But still, I don't think liking kissing is the same as being turned on unless the kissing makes you want to have sexual contact with someone.

I agree with Aussie on this. You have to find what turns you on so your fiance can do that for you. It would mean so much for him if he could make you happy and get you to experience something so great. Trust me it doesn't have to be painful, you can beat this. You don't have to have penetration to make him happy, but you have to find the fun in intimacy. Intimacy is something that brings couples closer together. Even though my husband and I can't have sex (pain is getting better for me though so I am hopeful we can have sex soon) we find other ways to be intimate. It means so much to me and makes me happy that I can give my husband orgasms still and keep that closeness to him. Aussie is correct when she says you can't ask him to not have a sex drive. He's not having sex with you to hurt you, he loves you and wants that intimacy. Have you tried using a vibrator, have him use it on you, what about oral sex???? IT DOESN'T HAVE TO HURT.

I learned that I had to stop wearing jeans cause for my job I sit as much as 10 hours a day, sometimes 12 so I switch to different pants that are more comfortable and less painful. My physical therapist told me some people can't use the toilet paper with lotions in them, have you tried just using the cheap plain toilet paper? What about you diet....I have learned with my candida allergy if I have to much sugar and yeast then my skin will be irritated. For me it is strictly muscle and now found out my hips are out of align. This is what is causing my pain and the better the muscles and hips are, the less I'm in pain. Doing yoga and deep breathing exercises have helped me when I get stressed, when stress goes down so does the pain. We are here to help you and I feel for you. No women should ever feel like this and especially should experience how great sex and intimacy really is. You have to find what you want, what turns you on so you can tell your fiance, but at the same time be vocal how much pain you are in so he knows there are some things you won't be able to do. I agree that it might be helpful to see a therapist alone and with your fiance, what your feeling isn't good. To ask your fiance to cheat on you is not a solution, it will only tear you two apart. I would be devastated if my husband felt he needed to go elsewhere for intimacy. You have to take a deep breath and realize it doesn't have to be this way and you have something a lot of women would kill for, having a supportive partner, but you have to realize it's a 50/50 relationship. I hope you can find happiness with intimacy and sex, being horny should never be repulsive. Sex with your life partner is wonderful and really there are no words to describe how great it is.

Nova -

I truly do appreciate you trying to help, so I will answer some of your questions, and ask a few too! The biggest one being what does "turned on" mean to you and how on earth does one learn to be that??

You said - "He's not having sex with you to hurt you, he loves you and wants that intimacy." That makes no sense to me. He knows it hurts, so he's not doing it out of love, and it's no more intimate than a pap smear.

You also asked - "Have you tried using a vibrator, have him use it on you, what about oral sex????" - Yes. Disgusting and pointless.

All of that sexual stuff makes me nauseous. Putting the thing he pees out of in my mouth is more awful and demeaning than painful sex. I really don't understand how anyone is okay with that. I also don't understand the connection between something so gross and love or intimacy. And I still don't understand why all the burden is on me to learn how to get turned on. What does that even mean???? I have no idea how I would even BEGIN to do something like that.

You also said "You have to find what you want, what turns you on so you can tell your fiance, but at the same time be vocal how much pain you are in so he knows there are some things you won't be able to do." - What I want is NO MORE SEX! EVER!! I have been vocal, I scream, I cry I bleed. He knows what I want, he knows how much pain I am in. His libido is like a sickness that overrides his rational thought.

"I agree that it might be helpful to see a therapist alone and with your fiance, what your feeling isn't good." - Been there. Done that. He won't go with me.

"To ask your fiance to cheat on you is not a solution, it will only tear you two apart." - How is it cheating if he doesn't lie about it? And how is it any different than someone at the spa giving me a massage for money?

"I would be devastated if my husband felt he needed to go elsewhere for intimacy." - Not intimacy, sex. The thing he watches in porn videos on the internet. The thing he did with 40 or more women before me.

"You have to take a deep breath and realize it doesn't have to be this way and you have something a lot of women would kill for, having a supportive partner, but you have to realize it's a 50/50 relationship." - It's not 50/50 when I am the only one going to doctors, taking pills, bleeding, crying, joining support groups, hiring massage therapists, and now on top of that I'm supposed to LEARN HOW TO GET TURNED ON?? Again, I have NO idea what that means! Please explain that to me.

It sounds like the pain that you and Aussie have had isn't even 10% of the pain I have had. I'm glad for you that you have had a better life than I have. For me, sex is horrific, disgusting, and the opposite of loving and intimate.

I can't imagine anything that could ever happen that would make me want someone to stick the thing they pee with into my body. Especially not over and over again while they grunt and sweat and swear and I cry and hyperventilate and bleed.

I also don't think it's wrong to ask him to find another way to get rid of his need for sex than to do that to me. Lots of people take meds to fix things that are "normal" - we take birth control to stop ovulation, men take viagra to defeat the natural aging process of their penis, people get botox injections to stop the natural aging process of their skin, people have minor surgery to keep them from sweating too much - why not an anti-depressant to eliminate a sex drive? They do it to sex offenders. If a man is addicted to sex why wouldn't we be able to treat that with a pill? I think addiction is a perfect analogy here, if you want something so bad you are willing to hurt people to get it then that is an addiction.

I appreciate that you think it's possible for me to turn into a completely different person, but after 32 years of being this person, I'd need some real concrete direction to do that and "learning how to be turned on" is too amorphous for me to comprehend.

Hi Punky

I have read your comments here and I really feel for you. I am quite a new sufferer to v and my life has been turned upside down. It started the first time I had sex with my new partner. Life can be so cruel I found someone I truely love who adores me after a very turbulent 9 year relationship and this has happened.

The fact you say you have never been turned on and you have never enjoyed sex is really sad. I know exactly how you feel to not wanting sex because of the pain it causes. For the past 3 months my pain has been horrific ive been in & out of hospital and my life has stopped & the last thing I want is to have sex. However, I do miss the closeness of being with my partner but he is understanding & doesnt want to hurt me ever so at the moment its lots of kisses and cuddles. Sex should be wonderful and special with the person you love.

If your partner knows it hurts you so much its unfair of him to push you it will make you resent him. You dont deserve that and you deserve a partner who will understand. If you do not want sex dont do it its your body and you control what happens to it. Can I ask what treatments you have tried? I am currently taking ami which I hate because its making me crazy and I have started seeing a chiro which does seem to help with the pain. Sex for now isnt an option but I hope one day it will be again. I will maybe try some dilators to see if that will help. I will try anything to try and have a normal sex life again and to be out of constant pain.

I dont know anything about you or your relationship but if you have not ever been turned on and you feel so disgusted by oral sex etc maybe it could be a problem with your partner which is understandable if hes not supportive. If your partner would go to councelling with you and be happy with cuddles and kisses im sure you would feel a bit different. Intimacy doesnt have to be about penetration it can be anything from cuddling, kisses, massage to having a bath together. Anything which makes you feel close to each other.

Its horrible and no one understands whats its like until they have it. A man cant ever possibly understand as they dont even have a vagina. At the moment i feel so down some days suicidal but I have to believe there will be some hope and a cure will be found. Id be interested in the treatments etc you have tried. Im doing to many at once but I want it gone. Im in the UK if you are I would be happy to get in touch. Hugs x

Punky,

We are trying to help you, why you are on the defensive and have an answer/ reason why you can't do something to every suggestion Nova made in her very helpful and informative post, is beyond me.

"'All of that sexual stuff makes me nauseous. Putting the thing he pees out of in my mouth is more awful and demeaning than painful sex. I really don't understand how anyone is okay with that. " I enjoy giving oral sex because it makes my husband feel great, I enjoy receiving oral sex because it makes me feel great - simple. How can making your partner feel good make you nauseous! It seems to me as you would really benefit from some support from a councellor. Your views and opinions on sex remind me of someone who has been sexually abused and this is not healthy.

I think before you even TRY any more treatments you need to get your head space sorted out and stop shooting people down for trying to offer suggestions. You have made the point that besides sex your relationship is near perfect so I doubt that it is an issue within the relationship (as Kate suggested) which makes you not want to be sexual. You have said you have ALWAYS felt like this.

"Have you tried using a vibrator, have him use it on you, what about oral sex????" - Yes. Disgusting and pointless.
The fact that you even find using a vibrator on yourself to find out what you like disgusting and pointless suggests again, your not willing to work this out.

I'm done.

And how dare you even suggest that one persons pain must be 10% of what yours is because we want to have sex. I am so offended by this comment. We are all here for the same reason, for support and to connect with eachother and NOT to dispute who is in more or less pain.

Please, go and get some therapy. Hypnotherapy works wonders

Everybody needs to talk a breather............Punky we are here to help you that is it. You are not there yet, so I will drop the subject. When you are ready to stand up and refuse to accept this life in pain we are all here to support you and talk to you. We don't know exactly how your relationship or your life is, but know this we have all endured our own physical pain and emotional pain. We have had different experiences, but we have all suffered and still am suffering. We all have 1 thing in common, we know what it is like to suffer alone, to feel we are the only ones and to feel life is hopeless and it's never gonna get better. I was tired of feeling that, so I became active in fighting this pain and understanding what are my triggers that cause my pain. I wish you all the best in fighting this, good luck.