Log in

I forgot my password

Latest topics
Anyone have pain with urination?

Tue Oct 16, 2018 2:35 pm by mertzwl

Hi everyone - I can't believe I've been dealing with this for almost 10 years and an appointment scheduler at a urogyn office is the one to suggest I look into vulvodynia. Honestly, I don't care, I just thankful I might have an answer.

I have pain in one specific spot right around the urethral opening so it always coincides with urinating (it's not a uti). Does anyone else deal with pain …

Comments: 6

Diagnosed recently, looking for advice

Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:51 am by Cloudberry

Hi everyone,

I'm so glad I found this forum! I was diagnosed with vulvodynia/vulvar vestibulitis (still not sure about the difference between all the different terms) a couple of months ago and I could do with some advice. This is probably going to be a lot of text because I just want to get everything off my chest, so please bear with me.

I’m a woman in my late 20s. Before getting diagnosed …

Comments: 4

From a concerned husband

Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:45 pm by ConcernedYorkieHubby

Hello everyone,

This is probably a little unconventional, but I’m a man who is here because his wife has been diagnosed with vulvodynia. The poor girl has been suffering with vulva pain for around 10 years now, and I’ve been by her side through the pain and tears and doctors misunderstandings the whole way, and we’re both exhausted and terrified by the whole experience.

I’m sure a lot …

Comments: 4

Had this for 5 years, looking for people who understand

Sat Oct 06, 2018 9:46 pm by blackberrie

Hey all. I'm really struggling to find anyone in real life who can really understand what I'm going through. I've had vestibulodynia for 5 years now and I'm single. Obviously it has completely affected how I approach dating and sex and the fact that I can't really talk to people irl about it has made me feel very lonely. I've found that a lot of the women who have this problem are married and …

Comments: 2

6 year sufferer but I’ve found some hope

Wed Oct 10, 2018 1:33 am by Npage14

Hey, ladies! I’m new to this support group, I’ve thought about doing something like this for a while so I wanted to try this out! I’ve had vulvodynia for 6 years now, I am self diagnosed. I’m 20 now and the pain started when I had my first encounter with sexual contact when I was 14(I still remained a virgin though it was fingering). For a couple years the pain was so bad I could hardly …

Comments: 0

Hurting, Burning, Itching, and Worn Out

Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:55 pm by donnambr

This vulvodynia that I'm currently suffering with is so cruel. I hurt, I burn, I itch. When I first got this several years ago, before the internet, I though I was the only one with this awful disorder. Doctors couldn't figure it out. I felt so alone and devastated. Somehow it disappeared for a few years and now I'm suffering again. This dreaded V misery is back and I feel like I will be with …

Comments: 5

Hi girls! New in this forum

Fri Jul 13, 2018 2:31 pm by Gaby

Hi everyone!

Also joining the V club, Here my story:

It all started last year in september with a very bad throat infection for which i had to take antibiotics for about a month. This cause several yeast infections (candidia albicans).... one after the other!. I had them every month from october 2017 till march 2018. During this period i use an incredible amount of anti-fungal creams and …

Comments: 1

Newbie and feeling helpless

Wed Jul 11, 2018 1:52 pm by Taylor1

Hi, I found out a few weeks ago that I have this condition, started off at the end of April as a uti took strong antibiotics then got a thrush infection and now this.. My doctor has tried me on amitriptyline and gabipentin and both made me so poorly I couldn't take it plus I have seen what long use of these drugs has done to my mom for pain and its not good. I am using coconut oil which does …

Comments: 3

I'm new to this forum and would love some advice! :)

Tue Jun 05, 2018 4:13 am by anikita

Hi lovely gals!

I'm honestly hoping to get any bit of advice anyone might have to offer. I go from bouts of sobbing hysterically in my boyfriend's arms to feeling confident that I can beat this.

I haven't been actually diagnosed with vulvodynia but EVERYTHING under the sun has come back negative. I started having sex 4 years ago after starting Lo Loestrin, with my first and current boyfriend …

Comments: 6


Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Go down

Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  OptimisticHusband on Tue Jul 31, 2018 5:38 am

Hello,

I am a 25-year husband to a woman who has vulvodynia. My wife is 17 years older than I am, we were married when I was 22 and she was 39. We had a VERY active sex life, and got married primarily BECAUSE (as she would say) "we couldn't keep our hands off each other." We got pregnant with our first (and only) child very quickly, and our sex life went downhill for a while during child-rearing and "getting to know you" years when we weren't all that close due to conflict that we eventually resolved.

Around year 7, things finally started getting better and closer, but intercourse began to more frequently involve her feeling "hot" down there, and/or some lingering soreness afterwards. Only later did we realize that she was beginning menopause. More dryness, more hotness, more struggles. This was a major struggle for me. I've only had one sexual partner before my wife and was very inexperienced. I went from being able to fairly easily manually stimulate her to orgasm (she never achieved orgasm via intercourse) to requiring vibrators while still being able to enter her, to eventually not be able to enter her at all. She was a sport, but there's something IMMEDIATELY turn-off-ish to a man who sees his wife grimace in pain during intercourse. #nope

Initially I was upset and not understanding, thinking that she was using it as an excuse. Until I started noticing that she wasn't wearing tight jeans anymore, or riding bicycles. This was a major problem for her! Her vulvodynia has gotten worse, and while we ALL wish we were reading some forum post with some magical cure and happy ending, this sadly is not one of those posts. We have not had true intercourse now for WELL over 10 years (easily) possibly even more than that, I've lost count.

(Warning: graphic depictions ahead, for the purpose of assisting fellow married couples. I believe my descriptions are respectful and appropriate.)

Fortunately, several years ago we found a really great substitute and that's what I'm here to share. Some of the male masturbators, especially the Fleshlight series are super effective in bringing back sexual function for couples like us who have lost it. "I KNEW IT! He's selling a product!!" Nope, not at all. I'm here because this is a tragic condition that -- if people are similar to us -- has to be RAVAGING couples across the globe, and I want to share a success story that I think is totally worth it. I'm going to get into intimate details below, so be warned =PP

First of all, I should disclaim that my wife is extremely fit. She is 5'1" at about 115 pounds and a Zumba instructor. I am NOT so fit, being pretty into Starbucks, I am 5'7" and 185 pounds. My wife (let's call her Carol) has pretty much zero sex drive. She is an extremely loving, caring woman who cares for me deeply, but -- unless she's super drunk -- doesn't really think about sex at all, so I "initiate" 99% of the time. This is tough on me emotionally, but I tend to think, "Thank God she's not cancer-ridden in a bed somewhere, and the only real problem we have is that her sex-drive 'died.'" so I push through it.

Minus the Fleshlight ("the toy" as we call it) we have a very sexual and close cuddling, petting, kissing, touching. I do not touch her vulva at all, but only because it is essentially pointless. At BEST she doesn't care, at WORST I can irritate her. She VERY frequently gets aroused during our petting/foreplay and will wish that I could enter her, and even try sometimes, but it's always futile, and ends up hurting her, so now I just straight up refuse. Instead, we use "the toy." The Fleshlights are good because you can remove the fleshy part from the solid case, and if she's laying on her back, I can slide it under her butt and "enter it" just a little bit below her vaginal opening.

The introduction of (ANOTHER!) foreign object like this was emotionally damaging for me at first, increasing the feeling of distance, and even generating some feelings of inadequacy within me. I intellectually and emotionally over-powered those feelings though, and with her tenderness and consideration we have moved past it. I mentioned our sizes because I don't know easy/difficult this might be for individuals or couples who are larger in size. I can tell you that this has completely saved our sex life. Neither of us are into anal sex, nor oral sex, and this has allowed us to have semi-regular sex again with all the emotional and (NEARLY ALL the) physical connection that we used to.

There is occasionally SOME awkwardness in preparing for the toy (it generally needs to be pre-lubed, and the best way I've found is to actually enter it FIRST, and THEN put it under her, while I'm still 'wearing' it) but we're getting over that.

Additionally, on some of our special nights (anniversary, birthday, etc.) it's extra fun for me if she lays on her stomach and has no panties on, and as kinky as this may sound, it can look a bit like she has TWO vaginas, and that can be arousing.

This is a topic that we are all alone in, and yet all together in, and so I hope my graphic depictions were not offensive, they were only meant to help. For a while now I've wanted to share this, and well tonight was just the night! I am happy to field any questions "for the cause" and I have my wife's permission to do so. Making the best of it, @OptimisticHusband

OptimisticHusband

Posts : 4
Join date : 2018-07-31

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  emalita on Tue Jul 31, 2018 2:16 pm

Thank you so much for sharing!!

I believe it is so important to find new and pleasurable ways to continue to have sex that may not include penetration if a woman cannot enjoy it.

Even I fall into thinking if there can't be penetration, then there must be oral, but you've shown an extremely creative way to maintain the intimacy in your relationship that I don't know I ever would've considered.

Good for you both, and I hope you continue to enjoy each other for many year!

emalita

Posts : 245
Join date : 2016-03-29
Location : USA

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Excellent post

Post  nanci322 on Mon Aug 06, 2018 11:27 pm

Thank you so much for your post.

This condition is very depressing to us women and we KNOW it's equally, if not more, difficult for you husbands who still have a sex drive and yearn for the intimacy sex creates.

Sex for me is akin to aversion therapy. I've tried to do things for my husband but my vulva starts to hurt when I get aroused so it's very hard to show up for him.

He has discovered a toy that's been very helpful to him called the Flip Hole. He said it's a realistic vagina replacement and that it feels very good. https://usstore.tenga-global.com/collections/tenga-flip-series

Just wanted to share that with you in case it's something that helps.

Kudos to you for being a patient, loving and understanding husband. It's very difficult for us on many levels and there's a lot of guilt involved but knowing that my husband loves me anyway helps very much.





nanci322

Posts : 2
Join date : 2014-03-17

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  OptimisticHusband on Mon Aug 06, 2018 11:37 pm

Thanks for your comments. We used to use a similar product, but after finding that the "fleshy" part of the Fleshlight can actually be removed (quite easily) from the case and cleaned really easily, eventually my wife was overjoyed that she didn't have that hard case underneath her making things uncomfortable.

OptimisticHusband

Posts : 4
Join date : 2018-07-31

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  nanci322 on Tue Aug 07, 2018 12:12 am

I understand. I had an issue with it too so he uses it separately.

nanci322

Posts : 2
Join date : 2014-03-17

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  Mark on Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:15 pm

Hi,

I've just seen your post so sorry I didn't reply sooner. We have something in common (wives with vulvodynia) and some things different (mine had it before we even met, we're younger, out sex life is very different).

There's a post that kind of explains our relationship from the start here. It's quite out of date, we now have two kids, I'm a stay at home dad.

My wife grew up in a religious household so is against masturbation and sex toys, so there's no way she'd be comfortable with the thing you mentioned. Plus I think it'd upset her if I had a thing that was basically a pretend vagina, it would make her think secretly I wished we could have vaginal sex. You're lucky your wife is OK with it.

I wasn't clear what you do for your wife. You said you're not into oral. It's a very personal question I know, but why not? Do you have a problem with your tongue or something? Do you use a vibrator or some other toy with her? If not, doesn't she get frustrated? We find if my wife gets a slight itch down below it goes away if she climaxes. I think it relaxes the muscles, something like that. If I didn't go down on her I think she'd probably get quite angry or tearful, partly out of frustration but also because she'd think I was going off her.

I guess women are all different, even without this horrible condition. From what I've learnt here there are different versions of it so I'm sure it affects them all in different ways. Seems to me it's our job to understand how they're feeling and what they like and dislike, and do whatever we can to make them feel happy, fulfilled and loved, both sexually and otherwise.

Mark

Posts : 53
Join date : 2011-03-28

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  OptimisticHusband on Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:02 pm

I think we had a misunderstanding.

The "not into oral" part meant that she is not into doing that on me. Nor I tbh, because she's pretty much horrible at it LOL. I've always preferred just straight, fun vaginal intercourse anyway; nothing really exotic.

She has never (in her whole life) been able to achieve orgasm through intercourse, so at the beginning of our marriage it was always through manual stimulation by myself. As she aged, we had to move to a vibrator for her pleasure, while I was still able to enter her and that was some of the best sex of my life. Following being unable to enter her, we still use a vibrator for her satisfaction but she "pays for it" (her words, not mine) for sometimes weeks afterwards, with extra pain, irritation, and all the other excitements of this condition. Accordingly, lacking a fully vibrating tongue (which would be awesome, bth ;-) ) oral sex simply just doesn't do it for her.

It's also important to understand that even though we use a male masturbator, we do NOT use it for masturbation. Rather it's placed underneath her, very comfortably so because we can remove the fleshy part from the hard case, and I enter it from whatever position we choose to be in. In a straight missionary sex scenario, it feels to ME like entering a vagina that is slightly lower down than normal. To her, well she primarily enjoys the closeness and proximity of being together, and she is very happy that we have a way to satisfy my sexual needs.

As an aside: we are both Bible-believing Christians, and see no problems with it whatsoever. It's been a marriage-SAVER frankly, which we believe is one of God's highest priorities.

OptimisticHusband

Posts : 4
Join date : 2018-07-31

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  emalita on Sun Aug 12, 2018 8:17 pm

The things I'm about to say are in no way a personal attack on anyone. Nor am I insinuating that I know someone's partner's needs more than the other partner. This is just what I've found to be my experience (and my boyfriend's - he is okay with me posting this).

For most of my life I HATED performing oral on partners because of the smell, taste, lack of feedback, and longevity to get them off.

None of my partners were gross or unclean, but if a man isn't aware of how much he sweats, his genitals can get a "testicle vinaigrette" smell, as my boyfriend puts it. The smell seems to be pretty universal among men, and it can make me gag involuntarily. I am aware that women can smell unclean too and also need to be aware of their hygiene, but this post is about men at the moment. I most prefer to go down on my boyfriend after he showers, but I luckily am in love with a man who isn't much of a sweater and is very conscious of his hygiene.

Onto the taste...I also think semen is gag worthy (sour, smelly, and coats the teeth), but I always thought I had to swallow, which I obviously don't. I just communicated with my boyfriend that he doesn't have to pull out, but I will need a tissue to spit it into right after. He now happily keeps tissues next to the bed for me.

Feedback...why are men so quiet during sex or oral? Women want to know what we're doing feels good to you just as you want the same communication from us. I'm not saying men need to scream or be "performative", but moaning or even saying how good it feels makes me WANT to perform oral.

Next, it is important to know that oral doesn't always need to lead to ejaculation, but if that is the intention, then the woman should find techniques to be able to keep her jaw from getting sore. I have a very small mouth and a constant up and down oral motion will have my jaw cramping in a minute. So I've figured out other things I can do to tease him while also giving my jaw a rest.

My main point here is that COMMUNICATION is key. I had thought I was horrible at oral, but even though I asked, my past partner was too uncomfortable to give me feedback to do what HE enjoyed. My boyfriend said the same thing, that he hardly performed oral on his past partners because he thought he was bad at it (he is NOT for me).

It is our jobs to help teach our partners what we like. We can't be good intimate partners for everyone, but we are responsible for communicating what we like instead of just saying someone is bad at a certain sexual act.

emalita

Posts : 245
Join date : 2016-03-29
Location : USA

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  OptimisticHusband on Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:09 pm

No offense taken. Like all women are different, I'm sure all men are different too, accordingly: reaching climax for me is very "mechanical" unless one of the following is true: 1) I haven't ejaculated for a LONG time (many weeks) OR 2) we've had like 3-4 hours of super sexy foreplay. Since birthdays and anniversaries only come once/year, neither of those two conditions occur all that often. Why am I even bringing this up?

Because most of the time my requirements for climax are very "mechanical." Very rhythmic, very "thud thud thud thud" and quite frankly I don't think a woman (especially my wife) should have to go through that. This is the very essence of my post. With a male sex toy wedge underneath my wife, I get to be in (nearly) the exact position I would be in if I was penetrating her, I can (and I'm really not trying to be crude) "pound away" on that thing until the cows come home, feeling *ZERO* compunctions about it injuring her, harming or. At the most (if I take too long) she might get bored but that's an extreme situation that really only ever happens if I've had too much to drink and it saps my "vigor."

Receiving oral sex as a form of foreplay would be fine, but I'm just simply not interested in her using it as a "finishing move" for the above-mentioned reasons. Especially when I have something that gets pretty damn close to "real sex."

OptimisticHusband

Posts : 4
Join date : 2018-07-31

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  Mark on Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:09 am

OptimisticHusband wrote:I think we had a misunderstanding.

The "not into oral" part meant that she is not into doing that on me.   Nor I tbh, because she's pretty much horrible at it LOL.  I've always preferred just straight, fun vaginal intercourse anyway; nothing really exotic.

She has never (in her whole life) been able to achieve orgasm through intercourse, so at the beginning of our marriage it was always through manual stimulation by myself.  As she aged, we had to move to a vibrator for her pleasure, while I was still able to enter her and that was some of the best sex of my life.  Following being unable to enter her, we still use a vibrator for her satisfaction but she "pays for it" (her words, not mine) for sometimes weeks afterwards, with extra pain, irritation, and all the other excitements of this condition.  Accordingly, lacking a fully vibrating tongue (which would be awesome, bth ;-) ) oral sex simply just doesn't do it for her.

It's also important to understand that even though we use a male masturbator, we do NOT use it for masturbation.  Rather it's placed underneath her, very comfortably so because we can remove the fleshy part from the hard case, and I enter it from whatever position we choose to be in.  In a straight missionary sex scenario, it feels to ME like entering a vagina that is slightly lower down than normal.  To her, well she primarily enjoys the closeness and proximity of being together, and she is very happy that we have a way to satisfy my sexual needs.

As an aside: we are both Bible-believing Christians, and see no problems with it whatsoever.  It's been a marriage-SAVER frankly, which we believe is one of God's highest priorities.

Sorry for the misunderstanding, I hadn't realised the vulvodynia sensitivity extended to her clitoris too. That must make it even worse, for both of you. I'm sorry to hear it, and glad you're still able to have some kind of enjoyable sex life.

Mark

Posts : 53
Join date : 2011-03-28

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  Mark on Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:15 am

emalita wrote:The things I'm about to say are in no way a personal attack on anyone. Nor am I insinuating that I know someone's partner's needs more than the other partner. This is just what I've found to be my experience (and my boyfriend's - he is okay with me posting this).

For most of my life I HATED performing oral on partners because of the smell, taste, lack of feedback, and longevity to get them off.

None of my partners were gross or unclean, but if a man isn't aware of how much he sweats, his genitals can get a "testicle vinaigrette" smell, as my boyfriend puts it. The smell seems to be pretty universal among men, and it can make me gag involuntarily. I am aware that women can smell unclean too and also need to be aware of their hygiene, but this post is about men at the moment. I most prefer to go down on my boyfriend after he showers, but I luckily am in love with a man who isn't much of a sweater and is very conscious of his hygiene.

Onto the taste...I also think semen is gag worthy (sour, smelly, and coats the teeth), but I always thought I had to swallow, which I obviously don't. I just communicated with my boyfriend that he doesn't have to pull out, but I will need a tissue to spit it into right after. He now happily keeps tissues next to the bed for me.

Feedback...why are men so quiet during sex or oral? Women want to know what we're doing feels good to you just as you want the same communication from us. I'm not saying men need to scream or be "performative", but moaning or even saying how good it feels makes me WANT to perform oral.

Next, it is important to know that oral doesn't always need to lead to ejaculation, but if that is the intention, then the woman should find techniques to be able to keep her jaw from getting sore. I have a very small mouth and a constant up and down oral motion will have my jaw cramping in a minute. So I've figured out other things I can do to tease him while also giving my jaw a rest.

My main point here is that COMMUNICATION is key. I had thought I was horrible at oral, but even though I asked, my past partner was too uncomfortable to give me feedback to do what HE enjoyed. My boyfriend said the same thing, that he hardly performed oral on his past partners because he thought he was bad at it (he is NOT for me).

It is our jobs to help teach our partners what we like. We can't be good intimate partners for everyone, but we are responsible for communicating what we like instead of just saying someone is bad at a certain sexual act.

Understood. My wife absolutely hates giving BJs, and it's not something I've ever wanted from her. Her abusive stepfather made her to it to him and that put her off for life. Although TBH reading your description I don't understand why any woman would want to do it. Unpleasant and demeaning.

Why are men quieter during sex than women? I think because we're less sensitive down there, our orgasms are shorter and less intense than women's.

I hate the fact that my wife suffers with vulvodynia and I'm not taking anything away from that, but I think every cloud has a silver lining and for us it's that our standard type of sex is me going down on her. We guys generally enjoy that activity very much indeed, but sometimes we're a bit nervous about asking for it because we think women feel selfconscious about how they look/smell/taste down there so don't actually want it when sometimes they actually do. As my wife once joked, there's a reason why God gave men tongues, and it's not talking, because mostly they talk a load of rubbish...

Mark

Posts : 53
Join date : 2011-03-28

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  emalita on Mon Aug 13, 2018 12:15 pm

"...there's a reason why God gave men tongues, and it's not talking..."

I LOVE that Very Happy

Although I do get self conscious about how my vulva looks or smells, my boyfriend just keeps telling me that I'm beautiful and so is my vulva. Plus, the pleasure from it certainly outweighs the insecurities!

emalita

Posts : 245
Join date : 2016-03-29
Location : USA

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Sex after vulvodynia (husband edition)

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum