boyfriend problems

I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years and I was diagnosed with vulvodynia in July this past summer but have been experiencing symptoms for a year and a half. At first I could tolerate the pain during sex and I some what enjoyed and looked forward to it. Over time the pain got worse and I would cry during sex because it was so unbearable. Now I can barely kiss my boyfriend. I have no desire to get intimate with him and now all we do is cuddle. My boyfriend believes it's his fault but it's not. I don't know how to bring back the chemistry I once had with him. I kinda feel like it's a lost cause. I still love him and care about him deeply but I feel that this disorder has torn us a part. Can anyone relate to this? Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

I think every one of us in a relationship can relate to the problems you're having. I started the same way and only had mild pain during initial penetration then it snowballed into constant severe pain so I wish I'd dealt with it earlier and not assumed it would stay at that level. I can only say there are other ways of having sex while you investigate what you need to do to control or eliminate symptoms. Oral sex is usually a hit with males. Are you on any pain medication? If you are it doesn't sound like you are on enough to control the pain. That's a first step and a decrease in pain may well help your relationship problems and also for some women just breaking the pain loop for a few months can actually be all they need to be rid of the problem so it's well worth getting that sorted out.

Next step is to get your pelvic floor checked for a high resting tone, if you have one you can start working with a therapist to get that down which should also help the pain and will give you control over your situation. Once your pelvic floor is improved dilators are usually the next step to gently stretch the tissue and get it used to penetration again. While you sort these things out though plenty of communication, cuddles and oral sex should help keep your relationship intact. If it hurts to have "normal" sex don't do it or you create a tensing response of the muscles as they anticipate pain so give that a break while you sort your problem out.

I've unfortunately gotten very good at blow jobs. on days the pain is light or not too bad, i may give in to sex. but, i have completely lost interest in it. my focus has been on me and trying to feel better. i did go to a physical therapist and had a full exam. i will be going for the next 12 weeks..biofeedback will be used, resting, my walls were pretty good. it appeared that my hips were not aligned. i have to work on strengthening my outer and inner leg muscles.

k, back to sex. men just want attention. if you give him a back rub, body rub and give him a happy ending, he will be fine. or...you may want to see a therapist who specializes in sexual problems in couples.

pain medication may help. my doc gave me muscle relaxants for sex. i did not try them. they make me very sleepy. don't give up on the relationship. i'm sure your symptoms will be more manageable in the future.

That's alot of painkillers to be having little effect onelove, I think you need to try other things alongside them.

Julie hope you get on ok with the biofeedback, let us know what your resting tone is once you've been!

What? I'm not on pain killers. I've asked my gynocologist to perscribe me some lidocaine, to numb the area that is painful during sex but she wanted to try estrogen and steriod creams first. What I was trying to say is that this disorder has ruined my relationship for me psychologically. I don't want to give me boyfriend a blowjow, it's foreplay for us since he can't get off on it... so we end up having sex. I associate even minor things such as kissing with sex so I'm afraid to do it. I turn my head away from my boyfriend when he tries to kiss me. I'm full of guilt, I don't want to be like this. I want to be able to have our wonderful love life back but I just don't see it happening. He's supported me through this, we've even tried being more romantic but it just feels forced.

I somehow seem to have replied to a different thread in this one, apologies the Ami makes me a bit of a scatter brain!

Hey there,

I would really, really recommend seeing a sex therapist. I see one and she is fab, we're dealing with my issues at the moment and there are many! It made sense to me to sort myself out before we dealt with any couple issues. My husbands not that keen on going and I'm fine with that. I have constant pain but we can still have sex.

There are so many levels a therapist can help and hell lets face it, just having someone to talk to in a safe environment couldn't hurt.

I had surgery in February (after which I got the gift of vulvodynia!) we couldn't have sex for 6 weeks afterwards and did all sorts of other things instead. It was actually really nice to just cuddle and kiss, there was no way with the stitches I had there would have been penetrative sex. This is a really nice way to explore other erogenous zones and get to know each other. My therapist said it's a tool they use as well so we discovered that by mistake. Sex is so much more than penetration.

Your boyfriend sounds like a keeper, you may not get back the sex life you had before but you might get something equally as good.

Oh and if you are a bit scared of the "sex" part of the therapist I say mine is my pain therapist. I have difficulty saying the "s" word or even the "therapy" word in the real world. Pain therapist(she teaches me ways to manage that)seems way more acceptable. I have to take a day off work each time I see her as it's a 6 hour round trip so ppl know I'm going somewhere.

I really resisted therapy but think now that if she was a bit closer I'd see her more often. I'm having a tough week and my husband has had a wet patch on his shoulder a few times already... he's really great and only tried to grope my ass once. It's funny because the therapist thinks I have no emotions WELL there are plenty going on right now.

Hi I can relate to this..I am not currently in a relationship but when I was penetration was difficult but not impossible on good days. We didnt split up due to the vulvodynia we split up cos he was generally an asshole lol

I would say that sex is so much more than penetration and that what we label as 'foreplay' is as much as part of sex as intercourse..to be honest I prefer it lol

Did you say that your boyfriend cannot get off on blow jobs? do you mean he cannot cum?

What bout hand jobs?..sorry Im being basic cant really talk about this without it lol

I can understand what you say about not even wanting to kiss and cuddle as you think that this will lead to sex which leads to pain which is scarey etc.

I would suggest for the next month or so saying to your boyfriend that penetration is off limits so you can explore other forms of sexual pleasure..dont just see it as foreplay it is so much more and can be so enjoyable

Also the sex therapy sounds like a great idea! Its so good to hear from other women who despite having vulvodynia can still have a sex life in all its varietys..this gives us hope so dont lose hope

Sebby
xxx

I've considered a sex therapist but I'm just wondering if it's worth it. I just don't know if I'll ever feel the same with him. I'm not even entirely sure it's the vulvodynia. He never really was supported in the beginning of the relationship and now he's just trying after two and a half years. Some days I just wanna deal with this on my own and I don't know if that's normal. I'm just so confused right now.

He really can't seem to ejaculate with a blow job, I'll be trying for 20-30 minutes then I give up because it hurts my jaw (I have TMJ problems). The only he gets off on is masturbation and sex. So I don't want to try anything, I feel defeated in every way. Sex is definitely out of the question, he's a little too rough. We could never just have slow and easy sex that just doesn't work for him. When we do have sex I tear and have post-sex bleeding. We've been not having sex for three months now and even though he says he understands he still makes gestures and hints towards sex. It just pisses me right off.

Well I've had a two wine lunch which for me is one too many... so brace yourself. My husband has always been a bit selfish, in fact our sex life has been a bit dismal (with the exception of when I was very drunk - my therapist is having a field day with my issues) and definitely all about him. So now that I have this constant pain it's all about me. He's had it his way for far too long.

My vulvodynia started post surgery with persistent arousal. My specialist says pain no matter how it presents is pain. It's not a road I'd like to go down again. Trying to act normally while your genitals are doing a happy dance is completely unbearable. My journey to this support group was via one where women are stuck in constant orgasm (I didn't have that) and deal with specialists and GPs treating them like crazy folk (imagine that) and saying well I wish my wife had that! Besides trying to work, be a wife and mother I did things like sit through the funeral of 6 year old with my girl bits doing their own thing. I "just" have pain now.

So this is what I know now: a therapist will help you move from the place you are now to a place of better understanding. That has to be a positive. I have a girl one because I couldn't deal with this talking to a man. She has helped me identify why I'm like I am and she has helped me to get what I want from my relationship. On Wednesday we will celebrate 20 years of marriage. Until I got sick last year I could have happily put him out with the rubbish for most of that time. He has been amazing at looking after me and I have been completely crazy with this.

As I mentioned before we couldn't have penetrative sex post surgery. That somehow took the pressure off me and stopped the "quickie" mentality. We've gone from a couple who kept to our own sides of a king size bed to one that now has a cuddle when we go to sleep and the same when we wake up. We've spent hours just kissing. It's a whole new world.

The first time I went to therapy I was an absolute mess, it's unnatural to me (and I should imagine most people) to share my most intimate things with someone who doesn't have GF status. I spent most of that first session looking at anything that wasn't her. Now I take a list of questions. Sex is complex and so are we. Therapy is definitely worth it. I've been crazy at times. I spent weeks where I contemplated if I really wanted to live like this... I still don't want too but I can mostly function with my stage face for work and my dressing gown and half lotus position on the sofa at home.

Having someone who understands is essential. You really need to unload. Ok the wine is wearing off I'm blushing now.

Thank you for sharing that with me that was great. I think I'm going to go the sex therapy but I'm going to do it alone (partly because my boyfriend lives 3 hours away). I'm open about sex, so I'm sure I won't have a problem talking about it. You're right I do need to let go and I think my roomate/friend is a little overwhelmed by me unleashing my sorrows on her.

Congratulations on your 20th anniversary! That's quite spectacular.

I'm now going to be completely honest with you guys, this is the most embarrassing part. My boyfriend gave me genital warts and this is when all the pain began. I began seeking treatment for the STI which included liquid nitrogen and podofilin. These treatments were aggravating because they were pretty much burning of the skin in the vestibule area. My gyno thinks this is what has caused my chronic pain along with frequent urinary tract infections. So because my boyfriend gave me the STI I have some resentment towards him and no matter how hard I try I don't think it will go away.

How bloody awful for you, I can see why you have some resentment. It would be a really good idea to purge all that. I started this shitfest with two massive bartholins abscesses, google those babies. It was the fiddling around down there that triggered my nerve pain.

I think therapy for one is a great idea also. My husband never shuts up so if he joined in I'd become a spectator. My therapist isn't covered by my insurance and it's a bit expensive. If I'd gone to a psychiatrist it would have been - go figure. I didn't investigate doing it through my GP.

Good luck with whatever you do. I would see mine more if I could, it's really hard to find anyone else who understands.

Take care.

Onelove,
I wrote a very long response the other evening and somehow lost it. I have a therapist who really helps me work through this. I'm so sorry you had to go through that w/ your boyfriend. I can understand the resentment. I would feel the same way. Talking through that w/ a therapist will be helpful. I am so not interested in sex anymore. I don't have the feeling of wanting to have sex very often and then i think about how i will feel after the fact. Oh..and i was trying to lighten the mood w/ my blow job comment. I actually would prefer not to give blow jobs..sex would be my preference. i have been married for 21 years. my husband is VERY understanding and supportive. But, if he give me an STI that contributed to my pain, i would be mad as hell and not want to have sex.

work it out w/ a therapist. we all need someone to talk to. we need someone who can be nonjudgement and objective.

Onelove I feel like a lot of what you say compares somewhat to my situation. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and sex had come to the point where I'm usually in tears afterwards. I try giving my boyfriend blowjobs, but I also have TMJ and my jaw gets sore. So I understand.

Anywho I was actually going to ask you all about the idea of a therapist. I would really love to go see one, but I assume they cost LOADS of money to go see. I am a college student and thankfully have a low-income health insurance to keep me (somewhat) healthy. So would insurance cover something like that or is it out of the question? I feel I really need someone to talk to and having that opportunity was be amazing. Thanks for any help

Hi Ellie,

I'm not sure how things work where you are but maybe your Dr could help. I pay for my therapist and she's not covered under my health insurance either. If I'd gone through my GP I think it would have been partially if not fully funded that way. It's worth asking.

I think therapy is a really, really good idea. Do some research because not all therapists know about the effects of vulvodynia. Someone I know has just been told her inability to have sex is caused by anxiety. No shit sherlock! Next thing he'll be trotting out the hysteria monologues.

Good luck and welcome!

Vicki

I dont blame you at all for being resentful for towards your boyfriend..to be honest I would have slapped him silly! I know I sound like a right bitch and im sure he feels guilty enough!

I do hope he is being supportive and as loving as can be. It would be a great idea for you to see a therapist to get all this off your chest.

Hi everyone!

I can relate to all of this. Since this diagnosis, I just wish that any kind of sexual activity or discussion would just go away. It has become a source of great angst for me. I'm sure you can all relate. I can totally understand not even wanting to kiss or do anything because you don't want your boyfriend to get excited.

Sometimes, it seems like it's all about pleasing them. And no wonder we have no interest.

Anyway, I was trying to start a new forum where people discuss how they handle the physical part of a relationship.

If I didn't mind being alone, I'd forget this whole man nonsense, and take all the pressure off myself.

Hope to inspire a discussion of how other are handling the physical part of their relationships.

I think the more we can share, the more we can understand what works and what doesn't. What are the different expectations of our significant others? What do they do that shows compassion and/or relieves the guilt pressure? What do they do that makes us feel badly? When and if you should leave? Are some men okay with non sexual activities? And any other questions, comments...


Thank you!

I have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years. about a year into the relationship she started having all the common beginnings with a slow progression. We now find ourselves like others here have described, not much hugging, no kissing, some cuddling, but nothing that would hint at anything sexual. I know I wont ever truly understand what she is going through, and i don't know how to even talk to her about it. So I am here looking for guidance. We will begin couples counseling in the next couple of weeks. I just want her to understand that i dont need sex, I need passion, a spark, those fun kisses, that little touch.

wvecpj, you sound like a really caring person. It's great that you're willing to go to counselling & want to reassure your girlfriend. I hope things work out well for you both.

Chances are your girlfriend feels as alienated as you do. There's so little info out there about vulvodynia, let alone about how to remain a sexual being once you have it. I have to say, from experience, that vulval pain is the least sexy thing on the planet. However, there are still ways to be close, like you say hugs, kisses etc and maybe more, whatever works for you both. Communication is so important. You need to know what she feels comfortable with, she needs to know you won't pressure her into anything uncomfortable (even if she knows that you wouldn't, sometimes we just need to hear that as we also put pressure on ourselves).

Just ask if there's anything you wanna know. Good luck to you.

Yes I really identify with this. Really bad luck and massively confusing for your BF and confusion often leads to communication issues.

1. Make sure you have a routine where you can make love but not have penetrative sex. Explain to him that this is not so that you can avoid sex, but so that you have the option to avoid sex which will allow you to relax and make you happier. Go for dinner and talk it through.
2. Guys DO get off on BJs I promise; he may be holding back or not sure whether to let it out - where it's all going to go etc. Try with condom on first so this is not a worry. Also try with him kneeling up on the bed and you kneeling on the floor; this is much more effective than him lying down and less of a strain.
3. Or try BJ warm-up followed by frottage - this can be very intense.

It is step beyond in terms of intimacy because outercourse is much more 'self-revealing' than intercourse and it was years before I had the confidence to do it. If you both try to keep a sense of humour this will really help!!

Hope it works out. I've posted sex tips on this forum click here if interested.