Feeling suicidal and at an all time low

Hi,

I reaching out for a bit of help really, i'm 27 soon to be 28 and have been aware that I have Vulvodynia since i was 15/16.

Currently im taking 30mg (about to go up to 40mg) of Nortripline which is making me feel like a zombie. I was previously taking Citalopram 40mg for Depression and Anxiety which I have weened off of and replaced slowly with the Nortripline to treat the V.

My syptoms are around the opening to my vagina and are an intense pain on touch. Cant use tampons, have intercourse etc.

I was given the dialators, but found them useless really. Can use the biggest no problem with the lidocaine, but the lidocaine only lasts about 5 mins and then I really suffer for having used the dialator. My Dr has recommended deep tissue massage every day to the area with lindocaine, again really hurts after and tackling the problem seems to bring all the emotional stuff to the fore.

I'm married. Got married last July. I havent had sex or any sexual intimacy at all for 3 yrs+. I have no one I can talk to about this except my husband, who is fantastic, but just not enough.

I'd love to be able to have someone to talk to, but admitting im in a complettly sexless marraige would be to hard i think. I wouldnt want anyone to judge, me, my husband or our relationship on this, because with the exception on the lack of any sort of sex, we have a fantastic realtionship.

I feel lonely, isolated, bitter and above all in pain today. I'm having a "Bad day for sitting down". I really dont think i can go on this way for much longer. Im regulary thinking about suicide.

Have others been low like this?

Hi and welcome. I doubt I'm the only one who will come forward and admit suicide has crossed my mind regularly since the V began. It's an all consuming pain that ruins lives and relationships and I already had a very restricting condition but this pain bothers me far more for some reason. Perhaps it's because it's in an area we can't openly discuss with anyone or maybe it's because it makes us feel less like women but it really is life changing and not in a good way. I don't think I'll have managed to cheer you up at all there but at least you know you have others who feel the same pain, physical and emotional, that you do.

I have to say though it might be an idea for you to try more physio at a slower rate, the dilators need to be worked on slowly to gradually and gently stretch the muscles and an internal massage for sore areas and tight muscles shouldn't be done so it makes matters alot worse it should be done gradually too. That's not to say it won't hurt a bit but you have to take it easy on such a sensitive area especially as it's painful already.

You could switch your meds to anti-convulsants instead if the anti-depressants aren't helping, I take 50mg of Amitryptiline and 450mg of Lyrica daily and have to say my system is now used to it and I rarely feel spaced out or dizzy. I don't get total relief at those dosages but it helps the diffuse burning I feel externally. I'm also doing the physio route but it's taking me a very long time because I have a very unstable pelvis to stabilise before I can have the pelvic floor released but I definitely have sore tight muscles and an incredibly high resting tone. It would probably be a good idea for you to see a Women's Health Physio so they can take a look, asess your posture and alignment and show you how to gently help yourself at home in between appointments, it's not easy to flounder around in the dark with dilators and tight muscles and does help to know what to do with them. If you don't want to or can't see anybody I'd recommend 3 books, Heal Pelvic Pain, Ending Female Pain and When Sex Hurts. The last one is brilliant for running through all causes of V and the treatment plans for all of them.

Try to be glad you have a wonderful supportive husband and keep communicating is the best advice I can give, I lost my 13 year relationship because of my health issues and V was the final nail in the coffin for us so be happy about your great husband. I found talking to a couple of friends actually found me someone who has suffered from V and recovered which I didn't know until I told her about my lady bits problem, there are women out there who recover but just don't post online about it because they're busy getting on with their lives and finding out the cause is a good place to start which is where that book will help. Don't give up, there's still lots of things you haven't tried as far as I can see and my motto is as long as I keep trying things I've got a shot at beating this but if I don't try anything I know I won't recover so brace yourself and get busy learning. We're all here to talk to, it's a lovely relaxed friendly forum and I hope you find some interesting threads to read.

Hi, i'm short of time today (got a 4 tier wedding cake to create) and will reply properly shortly. But just wanted to say thanks so much for reading and taking the time to reply. Really helped.
Becka x