How do men deal with it?

Hi there,

I've read a few stories on this forum and thought I would share mine. Now this is from a male perspective (my wife has had VVS for at least the last 10 years) and it's got to the point where it's nearly torn us apart. To give you some background, my wife started having pain during sex about 12 years ago. She blames it on a night when we sat in a hot tub or spa for about 4-5 hours and drank ourselves silly. Then we decided to have sex that night. She relates that night directly to when she started having pain. Now I'm not sure if that would cause the VVS to become part of our lives, but it seems like it did. Anyway, she went to different doctors like a lot of women on this forum and got diagnosed with a yeast infection first up, then a while later once the pain didn't subside, she went to a specialist who then diagnosed her with Vaginismus. It wasn't until around 18 months ago that she went to see another specialist who diagnosed her with Vulva Vestibulitis. We now think that has has been diagnosed correctly.

So all through this I have tried to comfort her, be very understanding and help her deal with this. I've even helped her with some exercises she was asked to do, and I've done the q-tip test a number of times. But I have read a lot of entries from members of this forum saying they fell out of love with their partner and didn't desire them or think they could love their husband or BF the way they feel they should. And that is where we are. We have been married for 10 years, and just separated about 9 months ago. I just thought that she needed time to think about our relationship, and figure out what she wanted. But the concerning part for me was that she keeps telling me she doesn't feel the way she should about me, and that's not fair on me (her words). But I love her and want to help her in anyway I can, but it seems I have absolutely no control here, and that her mind is made up. I'm completely devastated about this and we're close to a divorce, which I definitely don't want.

I'm not sure whether I should be blaming this condition on our failed relationship or not? I need some help here because I have no idea what to do, and what she really feels. If her condition was to go away tomorrow, would she feel differently? I guess what I'm asking is for someone to explain: 1. Why has my wife decided she isn't in love with me anymore, if in fact VVS has contributed to her feelings? 2. What can I do to try to hold onto our relationship?

Any insight would be greatly appreciated as I'm lost right now, and need some perspective on where we are at.

Hi Mick, I think you sound like a really caring guy who desperately wants his marriage to survive the hell that is VVS. From my point of view I think the condition affects us mentally and emotionally as much as physically. There may be a part of your wife who feels like she isn't a full woman and it isn't fair to hold onto you when you could be with someone else who can have sex, I'm sure alot of the ladies here in relationships feel that way. My partner went and found someone else after 6 months of my V problems and I know others here have had the same kind of treatment from their partners and husbands so your wife may also be thinking that's bound to happen anyway so why not just get it over with. The pain being in such a personal area of the body and such a key area to most relationships affects how we feel about any sort of closeness and we can easily switch off to any aspect of a relationship. I have a complete mental block regarding relationships and don't feel feminine or sexy anymore, a couple of guys have asked me out on dates and I turn them down without any further thought because I just think it's not going to work out so why bother and it would be easy to feel that way about an existing relationship too. I don't know if your wife still loves you, there may be other issues at work here too but I can see how closing off to any kind of closeness could translate to feeling like you don't love the other person anymore. Alot of us girls with V problems build a wall between us and men and stay firmly behind it.

I think counselling might be a good idea, a sex therapist could talk all this through with you both and perhaps find a way to move forwards together or even a marriage counsellor if your wife didn't fancy a sex therapist. As for your wife's problems I don't know what treatments she has tried already but perhaps there are some not yet tried that might help. Communication is vital and you do sound like you are not even putting the sexual difficulties at the top of the list which is fantastic, it's important your wife feels like there are other aspects that are more important than just the physical side of things. I think it's great that you're not even complaining on an anonymous forum about lack of sex, it shows you really do love your wife as a whole person and that's a huge thing when it comes to trying to work things out together. I hope it works out for you.