Feeling more positive now that I'm in a new relationship

Hello everyone, nice to meet you.  I've had problems with vulvar pain on and off throughout my adult life, although I wasn't diagnosed with vulvodynia until a few years ago. I have a lovely gynae who has tried me on this and that, but has pretty much run out of ideas.  I'm 35, and I have severe ME/CFS, fibromyalgia, and possibly some sort of mast cell problem or Sjogren's, although I think I'm years away from a diagnosis there.  The pain gets worse before and during my period, which my gynae said vaguely could be due to hormones.  I've got a copper IUD and I'm not on any hormonal medication.  I'm in the UK.

My last partner was hopeless about the vulvodynia, and indeed about sex in general.  Well, it started off as "hopeless", and gradually moved to "sexually abusive" over the years, which seems to be sadly common.  It was absolutely horrible being pressured into sex when I was in pain, and it didn't leave me feeling great about myself, my sexuality or my body.  I'm not saying that it was always painful, though, sometimes I was OK with penetrative sex, but no one should be making you have sex when you're in pain, ever.  I got out of that relationship a year ago, and I'm never putting up with anything like that again.  Even without having sex, the pain would sometimes be so bad I'd be on every painkiller I could manage, which still didn't get rid of the pain entirely.  It's not been as bad over the last year, probably because I've not been having (stressful, abusive) sex, but it still flares up every cycle.  I haven't been able to return to using a menstrual cup, for instance.

On an everyday basis, the vulval and vaginal pain ranges from non-existent to severe, and I always have mild to moderate pain up the gluteal crack, which doesn't seem to respond to anything. Well, Trimovate helps the pain back there a bit if I use it twice a day, but it doesn't get rid of it, and it's smelly, and my gynae said it should have cured it by now. Dakracort helped surprisingly well for a week and then stopped working. I'm currently using a mix of calendula and St John's Wort oil on the vulval/vaginal area, and I've just gone back to the Dakracort for further back. When I need lube during sex, I either use Yes water-based or Pink silicone.

I started seeing a new chap six weeks ago.  He is a total sweetie, and would never dream of playing power games or making me do anything that hurts.  We are having lots of sex and it is absolutely bloody fantastic.  Apart from one occasion, it's been non-penetrative sex only.  (I told my gynae, and she was delighted for me.  She said that in her experience, one thing that often helps vulvodynia is a fabulous new man.  She also said that lots of good non-penetrative sex is the best way to build up to having penetrative sex.)  I really want to be able to have penetrative sex with him, though, and generally I would like never to be in pain of this type at any point.  The pain is mostly around the vaginal entrance, perineum side.  We tried penetrative sex last Thursday, and to start with it hurt a fair bit.  I decided to push on through as the pain often diminishes after a few minutes, and indeed it did.  So I'm guessing there may be some element of vaginismus or something going on there.  After that I don't remember it hurting, though the pain had been enough to mean that I wasn't going to get off from it, but it was still nice in terms of intimacy and such.  It was worth trying, but I'm not going to try that again until I'm reasonably sure that it won't hurt.  It doesn't help that he's rather large.  Right now I'm coping with one finger almost all of the time (well, I didn't even try anything just around before my period), two fingers most of the time, and can't manage three yet, so we'll work up to that first.

I bought Amy Stein's Heal Pelvic Pain a few weeks ago, and am trying to settle into a routine of doing the exercises and massages every day.  I'm not quite sure whether you're meant to do the internal massage every day or put it into the rotation along with the abdomen, thigh and backside massages, so I'm emailing her to discuss that.  I definitely can't manage the exercises more than once a day, and not even every day, as they take a while and I'm limited due to the ME.  

I'm guessing that what is going on with me is a mixture of pelvic floor muscular issues and nerve pain.  (I've tried gabapentin, by the way.  It didn't help, and the withdrawal was hellish.)  So working on the pelvic floor muscles seems a sensible approach.  In terms of the nerve pain, arousal seems to make a surprising difference.  Yesterday I was a bit on the sore side throughout the day, vulva and perineum as well as vagina, but then had the best sex of my life in the evening, for hours, and didn't notice any soreness apart from when there was too much pressure on certain areas of my vagina, which is more a sort of tender, bruised feeling than the prickling, raw sensation.  

Going back to Stein's method, has anyone used this sort of approach, and if so, what can you tell me about it?

(Goodness, that was a lot of highly personal information, but it's a vulvodynia forum, after all.)

Hi,

Sorry to hear your last partner was such an ass!  

Thank god you are now with someone who treats you nice.

How are you feeling at the moment

Things are going very well! We've actually managed to have penetrative sex a few times. Erm, three times last night, in fact. I can't believe what a difference it makes to have a partner who is focused on giving you pleasure and who hates the very thought of causing you pain, instead of one who is selfish and abusive. It is so completely and utterly different to how it was with my ex.

I'm still having some issues with pain, lower vaginal entrance mainly, and will feel a bit bruised/tender in that area for several days afterwards, and I do want to get that sorted, but it's livable. Putting silicone lube on before we begin anything at all seems to help, working up to three fingers first, and starting off with both lying on our sides, which seems to be a much gentler position.

We're both having health problems. He had a DVT nearly four weeks ago, despite being young, fit, a healthy weight, and definitely not pregnant. I'm having a lot of problems with muscle and joint pain in general, and I think the ME is flaring a bit from generally overdoing it. I've been on baclofen, a muscle relaxant, to see if that'll help with the ME/fibro pain. It doesn't help, and I suspect it's the reason why I'm having trouble with orgasms at the moment (despite really fabulous sex), so I'm starting to taper off it from today. I'm also having increased problems with breast pain. I suspect that's the ranitidine (Zantac). It's not listed as a side effect, but it is listed for cimetidine, a similar drug in the same group, which definitely caused me breast pain. Possibly all the sex I'm having is making the breast pain worse in some way? Once I'm off the baclofen, I think I'll try reducing the ranitidine and see if that makes a difference. I'm also wondering if it was the tramadol which has been causing problems with orgasms, although I've taken that plenty of times in the past. Oh well, I'll come off the baclofen and see where I am after that.

I've been talking to my home care agency about getting the increased support hours that I was promised a year ago and am still waiting for. It turns out that social services won't supply them with this agency unless I use them "creatively" (jargon, don't talk to me about jargon), which means 10% of the budget has to be put aside for something else. I'm thinking of putting some of that into having a regular massage at home, and already have the massage table. Is it worth looking into myofascial release/trigger point work? I've had really bad muscular pain recently, as I mentioned, and in particular around my hips and shoulders. My massage therapist (who is also my home care team leader) tried doing some trigger point work on it last time, but we're not sure if it's helping or making things worse. I did buy one of those four-pronged nobbly massage tool thingies, she's been having a try with that. I must confess that the stretches and self-massage, a la Amy Stein, have mostly fallen by the wayside, due to being too busy and crashing in exhaustion the rest of the time. I'm managing the stretches sometimes, at least. Acupuncture is also something I might be interested in trying. I've had very mixed results with it in the past, but I'm thinking about trying medical acupuncture this time.

it's great to read such a positive experience ! So lovely that you found an understanding partner!
Please let us know how the acupuncture goes

So far, I can tell you that it's expensive. I've not signed up for it yet. I asked a GP about getting referred for it, but she told me that they only refer when you have a single specific pain, rather than multiple sources of pain? Sounds like bollocks to me, but I think that if I have some acupuncture privately and that helps, that might convince them.

Period is due in a week, so we'll see how the vulvodynia flares up this cycle. I think I need to sit him down with a diagram and explain exactly what sort of pain I get, where, and when. Meh. Not looking forward to that, although that's probably just a hangover from all the shitty treatment I got from my ex in this respect. Has anyone had that sort of talk, and if so, any tips?

Sod. Yes, it is flaring up premenstrually. And I'm still finding it difficult to handle when sex becomes painful. I thought, "oh, this isn't too bad, I can cope," and went ahead anyway (not for that long, though, and I suggested a break in the middle), which was a big mistake. I started disconnecting, and since I can get quite bad PMS and the breast pain and anxiety have been bad this month (stress from other factors too), have been feeling rubbish ever since (flashbacks to my abusive ex etc.). I'll talk it over with him, we'll be OK, and next time I will have the sense not to try anything that's painful for more than a few minutes. We were chatting on IM just now, and I said, "I must confess that I am feeling decidedly unsexy at the moment, between the vulvodynia doing its premenstrual flare-up, the premenstrual breast pain, and the premenstrual anxiety combining with benefits stress. Fancy having a go at Indian head massage?" So that's sorted for this evening.

Aaand it's two steps forward, one step back. We're now managing PIV sex quite often, but sometimes I'm finding I'm really sore, in a different way to usual. I suspect I could be having a reaction to his semen, although the other night I could swear the soreness started before he came. Folks who've had this problem, could you describe it for me? He doesn't ejaculate often, I think he's got some sort of non-deliberate tantric multiple orgasm thing going, but he does ejaculate during PIV sex.

Probably chaffing which is normal I felt like I had a blister but it was just him rubbing against the same spot switch positions or take a day off and see what happens. I was having sex like 5 times a week sometimes you need a break haha

No, that feels different. He didn't ejaculate the last few times we've had PIV sex, and the problem didn't arise, so I am definitely suspecting the semen. Ah well, if it does turn out to be that, I'll just ask him not to ejaculate. I have no idea how his orgasms work, they're certainly not conventional, but I think he'd find a way around it without difficulty.

What sort of lube are you using? I'm on Pink silicone lube, and it's great stuff.

It may just be that your nerve endings have become over sensitive or a reaction to the lube?

Are you always sore in the same place just on the inside?

No, and I'm fine with the lube, I've been using it for ages with no problems. When I get this particular problem, suddenly everything is sore inside and out, in a stinging/burning sort of way, despite the fact that I'm aroused and thoroughly wet. We've had PIV sex, er, when did I start this topic, well, about eight or so times over the last ten days (told you things were going well - I'm really curious to see if this lasts through to my period, when things have always got bad again), and he's not ejaculated since I last posted either (him and his unsual orgasms, eh), and this problem hasn't recurred. So it's looking very strongly like that particular bout of burning was caused by his semen. It's a known problem, I hear.

My gynae was quite possibly incredibly right when she said that in her experience, the best cure for vulvodynia is a hot new man. I had no idea I could improve this much. It was an absolute nightmare with my last relationship, and in the eleven months that I was single it was still moderately bad. The semen thing is slightly annoying, but if it does turn out to be a problem, I'll mention it to him, and we'll work around it.