Sick of People Going on at me

Everywhere I go now I'm constantly having people ask me why I'm not in a relationship, why I'm not settled down etc etc....they seem to feel sorry for anyone who is not coupled up and assume you're desparate to be. I constantly get "You want to get out there and meet someone" "Do your friends not know anyone they can set you up with" "Can you not join an online dating agency" it's so patronising....and why do they just assume. They always say "I don't understand why you're single because you're really pretty" and then they look puzzled. I feel like screaming at them "BECAUSE I DON'T WANT A MAN COMING WITHIN A MILLION MILES OF ME BECAUSE I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN AND I CAN'T HAVE SEX!!!" Nobody will want me with this....it's changed how I feel about my body and how I feel about sex, I cry every day about it, but can't talk about it, and just nod dumbly in every social situation where people give me "advice" on how to change my single status (without even asking if I want to change it). I used to have the romantic dream of falling in love, having an amazing sex life and I feel it's been taken from me and it won't be fair on the guy either....I can't even tell people why I'm so depressed and why I'm always single...I've avoided relationships for years....I used to date people, but I'd always end it before it became sexual because of this. I know that when I'm with someone I'll get so stressed out about sex, and that it will eat away at me emotionally. I don't want to end up feeling like I have to go through pain so the guy stays....it will completely destroy me emotionally....nor do I really want to be celibate forever.....which I feel I have no choice in. It's changed sex in my mind from being a really good thing about being in love, making each other feel good, having fun etc to seeing men as predators who only care about taking from you, painful or not....and if they don't get it cheating on you.....it's turned it into something horrible, bordering on abusive....I'm so screwed up right now....I'm crying my eyes out. I feel like screaming every time anyone asks "Found yourself a bloke yet?" It's as though they think I'm just some naive girl who wants to just find the right guy and then everything will be okay.....I wish I was. It's as though they think I'll breathe a sigh of relief when I'm settled down, but I know I'll be 50000x more stressed. I've also got other health problems that are really bad at the moment so I'm pretty much housebound will them at the moment and extremely depressed. I'm never going to have the normal life everyone else takes for granted....this, combined with my experiences and things I've read have turned my mind completely off something I once really wanted.

i am so sorry that you are going through this and i know though many of us would say we understand because we are facing the same horrible infirmity, it does not make it any easier. vulvodynia has come to steal, kill and destroy our lives, our bodies, our marriages, our relationships. and unfortunately it is succeeding despite how much we are trying to do because there is no cure. i have been facing health issues for the last 12 years. at the age of 30 i had to stop working because of a severe lower back issues. i cannot sit, stand, walk or lie for more than 10 minutes without being in excrutiating pain. i have no social life because all i am limited by this 24 hour a day pain in my back. so though i refuse to lie in bed and die, the little i get to do, i do in with so much pain. 2ndly, i have been unable to get pregnant. after years of emotional torment, i gave up on that as well. 3rdly, because of all the stress and medication to try and rectify things, i began losing my once lush and beautiful hair..so i thought that was it for me, i was bound to a life of misery though my husband always stood by me. but in december 2011, when i thought my life couldn't get anyworse, this stinking demonic sickness called vulvodynia hit my body. its now been 6 months and all i want to do is die each day so i don't live hell in my body. now my body is in so much pain all over, its hard to believe i survive. i am a christian and i believe strongly in God but i won't lie to you, having faith and trusting for a touch from God when all hell is breaking lose in my body is not easy. 3 days ago, for the first time a specialist diagnosed me with vulvodynia and told me there is no cure. now, what do i do. no peace in mind, in body and not to mention how it affects my marriage cuz sex is out of the question. i don't know that there is anything i could say to you to make you feel better, because its not possible.. all i can say is i hope like some of the women who have had some success in getting this infirmity under control, that you too would. don't give up though on trying because then you'd let vulvodynia win. i take this advice for myself today as well.. may God help you by giving you some direction and His grace for one day at a time.

Thanks Blessed for your support, and I'm sorry your going through the same thing. I think when I wrote that post I was feeling really negative, I feel embarrassed that I typed what I did looking back, but I do sometimes have this intense anger about the whole thing and what has happened to my body and how it has affected me in terms of relationships...when people ask why I'm not in a realtionship with anyone in a patronising way I feel like just blurting out the real reason why....and that would be a conversation killer!!! I wish they would mind their own business.

However I am still open to the idea of love....I'm sure there are ways around this problem...it's hard, wanting so badly to be close to someone and to have a close as well as physical relationship with them, and a medical condition stops you, it's heartbreaking.

I also think this is strongly linked with other health conditions. I've had health problems for years, around the same time as this particular problem started. I have recently after a particularly bad and prolonged period of ill health found out I have pernicious anaemia which is an autoimmune condition....this was bad enough, but over the last few months I've developed another condition called idiopathic angiodema (which is similar symptoms to when you have an allergic reaction and can be terrifying, even lifethreatening in a severe attack....I carry an epi pen, antihistamines etc for this, but it has severely limited my life......I developed this as a result of the fact that my immune system is so messed up, so it's odds on that vulvodynia is another symptom of everything else that is wrong with me. I even wonder if the vulvodynia could be allergy related as sometimes I get a feeling of swelling in the vagina (so it could be angiodema of the vagina). I've also heard that vulvodynia can be linked to things like repeated yeast infections or candida or that it can be due to a B6 or B12 deficiency in some cases.....

I'm hoping to get my pernicious anaemia under control with B12 injections (hopefully to feel completely well)....get my angiodema under control at least, or even better, to find a cure...with these conditions managed I'm hoping the vulvodynia will follow....but I'll try everything I can to get that cured or at least managed...and if I can't get it cured, I'm still open to the idea of love and when feeling well having some kind of a sexual relationship (even if it means without penetration) I know you can use things like lidocaine gel and physiotherapy using dilators etc...so I'll definately try that. As for having children, that's not something I can contemplate until all of my health issues are under control....this is a challenge....and some days I feel positive about it....but I'm human so some days I feel really negative.

I worry about how to explain this in a relationship though....I'm worried that they will be freaked out by it, or see it in the same way that people see STDs. It does get me down that the normal sexual experience has been taken from me and of course it has had an a huge emotional impact on me (and will do on anyone I have a relationship with in the future which is just terrible).

I can relate to losing hair as well this happened to me when my pernicious anaemia was severe. Could it be possible you have a similar problem....have you asked your GP for a B12 test?

I feel the same exact way you do, and Im 32 years old, and you know what. It has destroyed relationships for me. I have had opportunities with amazing guys and at an amazing sex life, but sex was so painful and agonizing for me, as much as I liked it on an emtotional level while it was happening, I couldnt wait for it to be over physically, and they ended leaving me, thinking I was frigid. I would also find excuses to avoid sex, my daughter father left me over this, and I spent the majority of my life, thinking I was the only women in the world with this problem. It also destroys your sex life, and makes your vagina not only tight and swollen, but very dry. Guys just thought I was bad in bed, but I have an extremely high sex drive, Im a very passionate person, and when I fall for someone , I love them whole heartedly, and its destroyed my life, this condition, as I lost mad eme people that I loved very frustrated, confused, and ultimately, they went away. i ahd the most painful experiences of being cheated on, and left, everything. I also became primiscous, even tho it hurt me, because this condition caused me to go crazy, and I have very bad psychologcal issues because it ruined me, ruined my life. I have one daughter. In the last five years the condition has gotten worse. In those five years I tried to have another baby, but it seems Im infertile now aswell. I dont feel fertile anyway. As my vag is as dry as a bone, and burning constantly. I dont have much sex, and I cannot maintain a stabble relationship either. I cant have sex more than a few times in a 2 week period, or even up to a month, as sex feels tolerable the first few times,and then I have to stop and let it "heal" yeah right.
Because I am determined to be normal, and I know I only have a few more years left at a shot, at an actual relationship, and amazing sex life, like other normal people that dont have a cursed vagina. I have gotten very into homeopathic medicine, and the anti candida diet, green smoothies, probiotics, superfoods like maca powder, etc, and essential oil therapy, locally on my vag. I put various essential oils in coconut oil suppositories that I freeze, in sport bottle ice cube trays and I use that, twice a day inserted into the vag, and at times, rarely, I feel 100% normal down there, like when I was young, and sex is actually pleasurable. The skin is sometimes soft supple, pink and healthy, and I actually have normal vaginal discharge. Its a battle everyday, to get these rare days, but it does happen. You have to switch up the oils, every month as your body will become used to them,a nd they wont work anymore, but I use ::: Rosemary, Lavender, Manuka, tea tree, Mrhrr, lemongrass, bergamont, geranium, tyme, clary sage, frankenscense, palamarosa, grapefruit seed extract. These oils will burn your skin, if your not used to them, or if your sensitive, so start with 3 drops of one per ice cube tray, then work your way up.
Getting tested for ureaplasma. I also have Interstitial cystitus, and I got diagnosed with Ureaplasma, which is a sort of sexually transmitted disease that can cause infertility, miscarriage, vulvodynia, and interstitial cystitus in some individuals. Please research it. The answer is a strong course of antibiotics, (homepathic will not do for this, Ive tried it) and then a low dose long term antibiotic, for months to years. Please research it. The test is expensive and many general practitioners havnt even heard of it. Fight, to find a doctor that will test you. Even many rulogists havnt heard of it, mine happened to be cutting edge at Cleveland Clinic, Ohio. Many fertility doctors will test for it, as there is a link to this and infertility in women. Shpo around, and get a test ordered and sent to a lb in your area if you have to. Its worth it. Im just starting to get better now. After years of pain and suffering.

Wow!! Im sorry for the misspellings, I should have edited this before I posted it whoops!!
Aw well, i get so passionate about this tho, and I get so busy, lol!! wanted to just write this post it and go!!

anyway, Love you guys. Please do your research. ive spent countless hours researching, its worth it. Love you guys

Thanks Lavrose....I can relate as I have been through the depths of depression with this in the past....first being in pain, then not being able to have sex, and then this impacts on your relationship and changes how you feel about men and how you feel about sex...to avoiding relationships because of it, to people quizzing you about why your not in a relationship and because of the nature of the illness not being able to talk openly about why and just nodding and smiling while they dish out their patronising advice on how to get out there and find someone (cos they always assume your desperate to be with someone and the only reason you're not is because you're finding it difficult to find someone...it would never enter their minds that their could be a reason why you feel you DON'T want to be with someone right now). To avoiding socialising cos you can't face yet another one of these conversations which feel to you like someone rubbing salt in the wound. This condition has left me feeling awful about myself....despite the fact that I am really open minded about sex, have (or did have before I got ill) a high sex drive and love being sexual and am able to have orgasms really easily the condition has made me feel half the time as though I have an STD (does it make other people feel like that) and the other half of the time it makes me feel like some kind of uptight frigid old fashioned person because it has made me so reticent about penetrative sex....which in turn has led to me avoiding getting in any situation likely to lead to that. I know that I'm not like that but it's how the condition makes me feel.

However even though right now I need to focus on getting my health better (I'm really ill with pernicious anaemia and angiodema at the moment...the two are linked....I also feel the vulvodynia may be related to this). When I'm feeling better and more up to meeting people again and I have a relationship....I think the main thing for me is if my vulvodynia is still an issue is to communicate communicate communicate....in order to be able to have a pain free sex life.....I am at present unable to have penetrative sex....but there are ways of working around it ie find ways of having a sex life that doesn't cause pain (imagination is the limit....there is still so much you can do).

I am not prepared to grit my teeth and go through pain of having penetrative sex while my vulvodynia is bad because to me that is completely nuts and when I hear about women doing that I cry, it seems completely soul destroying, to go through intense pain in such an intimate way to please a guy.....if someone dumps me because of that then they obviously didn't care about me. Surely they notice you're in pain? How can someone who your in love with and who claims to love you be enjoying inflicting pain. It defeats the object of the exercise!!! Sex is supposed to feel good???? (My last partner would always stop the second he thought I was in pain, and we'd switch to doing something else, we just had to work our sex life around it). I don't want this condition to ruin sex and relationships for me and turn it into a painful thing you have to do to keep a man hanging around.....I'd rather be single forever than be in a relationship like that. To me it just seems common sense that if you're in pain in that area you should avoid it until you're pain free (or at least have found a way of not being in pain during ie with lidocaine gel etc). This should go without saying or it's just ludicrous. It distresses me really badly that this condition not only affects me but would affect the person I have a relationship with.

I think the main thing with something like this is to focus more on non penetrative sex....but in the meantime I will try every treatment going to cure this condition so that I am able to have a normal sex life again....it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Also I want to be pain free in general....not just during sex....as it's pretty painful having this condition just in general day to day life.

Oh BTW, I will definately give the geranium oil etc a try....I've also heard of people having botox for vulvodynia.